New to the forum, struggling caring for mum

Hello All,
I am new to this service, and, left my lovely but stressful full time job to care for mum, 83yrs after she had a bad fall,and, a year of hell/stress at home/financially leading to bad health for myself, having to go on sick at same time, so, left job.
I’ve been caring full time since Jan 2019 and its been head but I’ve done well to her recovery and health, she’s doing great!
I’m not though, she had Mild Vascular Impairment diagnosed after the fall and lots of illness, totally like a baby after leaving 3/months of rehab to come home where I care for her.
I slept there on big chair for 3 weeks before could go home and to and fro.
She has heart condition, diabetes type 2 as well as bad mobility, incontinence amongst other things.
Its getting harder and harder, her behaviour with me, nobody else is hard work, Otherwise I can and have managed well for her.
I’ve recently been re-ubited withy father after 30years, only to be REJECTED me, AGAIN, after a very very emotional beautiful reunion!
I have 4 grown children and 6/grandchildren and were all close, I help look after them on the daily too, which I am happy to do now not in full tile work like have been all my life.
Dont even know what else to say apart from after years of my own depression and alcohol abuse, I’ve been clear over a year for that and came out of depression last year from 30years off it.
Thank you, anyone for your time in advance, just not sure how to go about things now, as I actually DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
I’ll be going to clean and shop soon bit will obviously be hanfomg onto to this forum as a lifeline, I am awaiting a carer assessment, but corona has delayed this. :-???

Hi Yasmin

Your Mum also requires a needs assessment with Social Services. n assessment can also be do over the phone and/or Skpe etc. Where does Mum live?

You needs to make contact and tell them. It is very urgent you must as least speak to someone over the phone/mail etc.

Has the been a recent O/T assessment carried out. If not make a call.

There should be a local carers group in your area. Help and advice | Carers UK

Thank you very much for your reply!
Mum had an assessment after she was released from hospital and rehab last year with me included as her carer.
We live in Ashton u lyne Tameside, and think the carers centre is closed, not actually rang them, I visited them as corona was starting, so I got a call to ask how we were and my assessment for carer was delayed for now.

Why are you doing this?
Why are you caring for your grandkids?

What are YOU doing for YOU?

I recognise in you something of myself, always conditioned to look after others, never ever put myself first. Don’t do it. At 68, I’m not well, my health is gone, after caring for 10 carees in the last 40 years. Find a good counsellor and get yourself out of this rut.

Mum NEEDS 24/7 care in a nursing home, she is never going to get well enough to live independently again.

I Dont feel I could do any of that, just want to.

You have been conditioned all your life.

You’re right, is that why you said I need a counsellor?
I obviously cannot help be like this after trouble being a single parent going through domestic violence etc so I’ve had counsellors, CBT, etc, I am more well in my mind than I have been, but do struggle time to time.

I was on the verge of a breakdown a few years ago, newly widowed, newly disabled with a housebound demanding mum and brain damaged so, plus a business to run and 30 tons of lorry spares to sort out. My counsellor helped me realise that I’d always been taught it was selfish to ever put my needs first. Looking back, I probably became a carer when I was just 8, and my younger brother was born. Mum probably had post natal depression or similar, she was never the same again. My brother called me his “No.2 Mummy”, I as the one that tucked him up in bed, sang to him, said his prayers with him, read him a bedtime story.
My counsellor made me realise that I was doing far too much, and taught me how to manage mum’s expectations, that it was OK not to do it all, that I had a right to be just “me” sometimes. It was life changing to be told it was OK to say “No” to mum sometimes, that I was an adult and should not behave as an obedient child all the time. Sound familiar???

Dear bowlingbun. You are absolutely correct in all you say re being conditioned. I know from another thread as well as this one that your life sounds just like mine. Only need to find husband dead in bed and we’re twins. It really is true that it’s all about guilt isn’t, conditioning, unable to say no, putting everyone else first or being forced into giving up your own existence. Being married has done that to me, again. Thanks for what you say and really hope you are or gave recovered.

Dear bowlingbun. Please excuse typos. Hope you are well. Got interrupted just at crucial point. I hate being a carer now, I feel I died and no one told me.

My counselling was life changing.
It wasn’t about me as much as how to manage everyone’s else expectations of what I would do for them, because I was like “Jim 'll fix it”. In a way, I’m my own worst enemy because I have always been a very strong, independent, competent person.

I was made to realise that at 60, I was still behaving like an obedient little girl who always did what mum wanted.
The counsellor taught me how to manage mum’s expectations, and her never ending list of jobs, the faster I did them, the faster they came at me. My new policy was to do strictly one at a time, at whatever speed I wanted. So when mum gave me the next job, I would say “You asked me to do this, and I’d like to get this done before I start something else”.
When she was frustrated that I didn’t do things immediately, she realised there were others she could ask (Yippee!), so the husband of the girl who did her ironing (!) would do odd jobs too.
She had carers to do all the basic stuff like washing, dressing etc. and I did the other things, as she had a large garden. Carers wouldn’t even pick her flowers for her, they would go shopping for raspberries but not pick hers!!
Learning to stand back was difficult, but ultimately, it improved our relationship knowing I didn’t HAVE TO do things. I did what I wanted out of love, not duty.

Thank you, I’ve been reading this over and over, to get in touch with the gateway team again I think.