It’s been a while but nothing improves

All about caring Young adult carers
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Hi all, since I last came on mum made a new friend whom I can only worry about. Yet again she has let another abusive person in her life, he has been very arrogant towards me.

Late into the week before last the carers called me, luckily they caught me on a good time as I was just sat waiting in the car for my next job that day. They told me they were concerned about this man, I just told them I was too.
They said that they were concerned after what happened with the last man, and the one before. I just expressed the same concerns and just said there is nothing I can do. They agreed and said they would ring safeguarding.

My boss, the editor of the newspaper also went on holiday and we got a replacement in last week. The replacement was a very experienced journalist/editor of another local online news site, but he didn’t know the ins and outs of planning our paper. I had to guide him along and plan the paper myself - well the news bits at least (not the whole thing). I was also responsible for taking on more stories that week and picking up the design of some pages. This was the first time I was allowed to do pages. (I was trained in design at college/uni, it’s just not part of my job now but hopefully I will be given something extra after my boss sees I can do it). I really enjoyed the extra tasks and thought it was hard, it was super fun. I was proud of myself afterwards in a non tooting of own trumpet kind of way.

Whilst I was proud there was a period of time where I was just caught off guard by the safeguarding team who called me about the above.

I should also mention at this point is everything is abit everywhere in the office. It’s a three floor building, with 1 or 2 small rooms on each floor baring the ground floor which is just one space. Operations now only take place on the ground floor with the other rooms disused. Our building has just been sold too so things have been moved with rooms full of items waiting to be used meanwhile work has started on the top floor. When safeguarding called I was stuck. I had the experienced journalist and editor of another local paper on one side metres away, I was unable to use the middle room due to stuff and work was taking place on the top floor. I had to go into the toilet but I’m pretty sure people heard me. My work colleagues aren’t strangers to my mums problems, but I try to keep some things under wraps. When I came back down they asked me if I was okay. I just said “ohh it’s mums carers again, you know what she’s like.” They seemed okay with that but I was stressed.

I was trying to think about what to do with the information meanwhile the guy was asking me questions and I was trying to keep my cool level head. I’m annoyed they did that. Meanwhile all they had to say to me was it was up to me to do something.

I’m yet to know the outcome of the feedback from last week, I say feedback loosely but as I joked the other day “this could be the start of a new way of working, or I will never be allowed near it again.” The paper has already gone out and looks great so I don’t see any issues.

Anyway, so to carry things on the fair was also in town this week, this too is the most stress inducing thing to happen. The fair is absolutely massive and I only live two streets away from it. Parking is supposed to be controlled by permits which I have, but they aren’t enforced so once the car was home, it would not move. However with mum it was a different story. She wanted to go to the fair and I was fine with that to an extent, I wanted to go but she would be the last person I would choose. She is a very see it, want it sort of person, and there is a full street of vendors selling all sorts of foods. It’s just arghh. She also wanted picking up in the car, and I was just saying a straight up no which she didn’t like.

Whilst at the fair she did my head in repeatedly, she would not stop talking about the same thing to everyone she saw. “My partner died three years ago.” She was like this to everyone, luckily inflatable hammers are no longer a thing at fair because I would have bought one to hit her with every time she repeated the same thing.

She also conned me out of money, I took cash to the fair and decided to leave my main wallet at home. After we had been round I had £5 left on me with no bank card, she urged me into a nearby shop. She picked up a few items but I just let her get on with it, and she got to the till and looked in her purse. She must have had money because she said she brought some but did not spend anything, and she turned to me and asked me for mine. She was laughing and the guy on the toll whom she clearly knew was laughing with her and I felt like I was forced in a situation where I had to pay.

Tonight she has also behaved like a massive child again. I told her off because she upset my little sister (the one with severe mental health caused by the things she did when my sister was a child). Mum acted like she was the victim again, and was complaining that I treat her badly and always try to control her. I have to be the mother figure to my sibling because my mother isn’t one. She is 21 but only by age, she comes off much younger despite been very intelligent. All three of us are very intelligent, think we got it from dad.

Anyways all I know is mum is still on the waiting list for extra care housing with no idea when she’s likely to be offered a place, it could be another year yet

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Hi coolcar98, sorry to that things have not improved as much as you want. I know things are awkward and sometimes it hard to keep things away from people is hard but may want to help? We as carers always go through bad guilt trips and you are not the only one. At least the carers made the right call this time, you did right to stand up to your mum about bullying your sister, it not fair when she not well her self. Stay safe, if you need something to get the frustration out buy a punchbag or use a pillow.

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Dear Coolcar
You are an amazing person.
It is so so hard trying to care for someone who’s own mental health is poor and they have a huge impact on those around them.
Your work sounds busy but good, I am very glad you have your independence.
Sometimes my husband and I have to call mental health team and police to do welfare check on daughter who lives in a similar way to your mother.
I use Pema Chodron to guide me through to peace of mind, as it is a v stressful way to have to live.
I am so impressed by your values and heart :heart:
Warm wishes in those impossible moments
Stay patient with yourself and hopeful
Ula

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Hi Coolcar,
I’m dismayed that Safeguarding’s call to you didn’t start with an enquiry about whether it was convenient to talk to you at the time of their call, out of the blue. I’m also dismayed that you didn’t tell them it wasn’t!
You need to give them your email address, so they can email you if they need to speak to you, and then you tell them when you are free. Work is for work, not for calls about mum in work time which can be overheard by anyone, and then perhaps used against you.
It’s so important that you set boundaries around yourself, for the sake of your own mental health.
Mum may never change, but you can.

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Yeah, I will agree with you mostly. My workplace is fairly relaxed, the general rule is as long as the job gets done to a high standard no one batters an eyelid. Together our main team of 4 alongside the rest of the part timers/freelancers is very relaxed and we trust one another enough. We are practically best friends or a second family because we are always together. Generally they are okay with personal calls such as appointments and stuff, everyone does it from time to time. My coworker also supports her parents. However I agree they should have been more accommodating to me.

The reason I get scared is because I feel like I have to put up a barrier sometimes. Its like I live two real lives here. There is my life and then there is mums life, it is hard to explain. Believe me when I say I am well aware of the stigma assosiated with mums behaviour and the impact it has. Even when I was at school and mum was in hospital teachers would try too hard to help me which in turn became unhelpful rather than productive. In year 8, I was placed into a special education class filled with other kids with special educational needs because of mum. It was clear from the start that I should not have been in that class but they persisted because of mums needs. The same also happened in college when I was nearly forced me off the course because of mums health. I will not let that happen again, because now I only have me to support. That is my boundary.

Once you become a carer, you are perceived as having superhuman powers. People cannot always understand the difference between work and family, and caring becomes a work role. If you cannot help someone you are ‘incompetent’ and a ‘failure.’ There is power in a family name, and I choose to stray away from her family name especially. Good job I have my dads.

Since last night mum has also messaged me saying that she wants to harm herself and its all my fault, however she also used the same messages to my sister. My sister only wanted to talk to her and that man wouldn’t let her. She called me a backstabber which is the same words she used in a Facebook post about someone in the pub. Once again I take the wrap because someone in the pub has hurt her, but she doesn’t want to blame the pub because she respects the pub.

I told her its not okay to behave like that and blame me for something that is the pubs fault which is why she counters that with messages of self harm. I know it is a method of one upping which very narcisistic, but the power in those words hurts, and I have heard them enough to feel less compassionate about them which scares me. She has now resorted to telling people on Facebook statuses that her children don’t care if she dies, because we haven’t gone groveling to her shouting “No mummy, we will be good I promise.” I will quit my job, buy you everything you want and then I will open my legs for everyman you invite over.’ We haven’t done a single thing. However because she doesn’t get the satisfaction from us anymore she resorts to social media.

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You have the power to stop these texts, and emails, and messages. Turn off your devices.

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@Coolcar98 I would hate to upset your feelings but if your mum is doing this, I would go and see someone like a social worker or police as it emotional blackmail and is not a nice thing to happen to anyone. Explain what is going on and say how both you and sister feels. I would stop answering her just to get abuse off her. Don’t worry about what could or will happen from the out come, it is time to stick up to her.
Take care

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Social services safeguarding say it’s up to me to do something to stop him. So a 26 year old female has to go up against an alcoholic dirty old man. It’s disgusting and it just doesn’t protect me as a vulnerable female

I’m just not fighting my sisters battles either. My youngest sibling just seems to have learned the exact same behaviours from my mum only she doesn’t understand their use.

The words “I want to kill my self, and I want to harm myself” are just becoming daily words of minor inconvenience.

There is going to be a meeting on Friday to review my mums care package, so they have responded to claims of abuse by questioning mums care package? How is this right? I even told them that. This is what abusers do. How do I know he’s not going to the control of it all. The male pawned his own phone for gods sake to pay for alcohol how is my mums finances safe near him. It’s like they want to pass the buck because they know I won’t.

The best response would be to get her in assisted accommodation now, is a YEAR not long enough for a woman who was classed as HIGH PRIORITY. If we can house everyone from everywhere else we should be able to house those in need thanks to disabilities. It’s just totally messed up.

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Just to add to it all this evening I came home to a letter from social services with a feedback form enclosed asking for my experience of the help I get as a carer. None.

It’s also annoying that mum puts these things on Facebook. One person contacted me asking if mum was okay. I told her if she was genuinely concerned to contact the relevant people. Funny isn’t it they are all concerned when there is drama, but when there is a relevant answer they don’t want to know. Yet again they aren’t bothered.

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Why did you comment at all?? It only causes you more grief.

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I did because I’m sick of these messages coming through, usually when you say something it shuts them down so they leave you alone. I keep my account on private but they come through if it’s a mutual friend.

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Tonight I also just feel emotionally exhausted. Everything was ‘okay’ for a while, however the past couple of days something just seems to have broke.

The other day mum told me that her favourite pub was closing down for refurbishment. She likes the pub to see her friends and gets very erratic at anyone who tries to stop her. I think it has something to do with this.

Mums behaviour was also very hostile towards and after work I received a call to say that the carer things I just need to show some “love and affection.” I told the carer that this was not the answer and me going there tonight would have resulted in far worse outcomes. I told them the best thing they could do was support her as it was their jobs to get the right help. If a carer is concerned they have more channels.

Mum continued to message me and my siblings citing that we killed our dad, how we don’t care about her and how she was going to harm herself. She said she was going to contact all our bosses and get us sacked from our jobs for being “evil little b’s”. But this could have all been stopped if I showed some “love and affection right.

I chose to opt to ring the safeguarding team and they called me back saying that support was in place, however I am concerned where this support came from. They said they could not get in touch with the crisis team, so this support is another person. Who exactly, I believe they have left her in the support of someone who’s just as bad.

I also feel like the carers have caused this, they are the ones that showed concern over a situation and then proceeded to ask me about it. I told them genuine concerns should be put to safeguarding. I feel like the buck has been passed here.