I just want things to progress

All about caring Young adult carers
1

Hi again. I haven’t been on for a few days. I guess I have been trying to work on myself abit more. After my diagnosis a week ago I realised the NHS is barely going to help me so I must take matters into my own hands. I just need to focus on myself too.

I also continued to have a lot of issues with my car as I may of mentioned. My previous car didn’t take too well to the repair work that was done to it and it failed. I had to buy a new one. I have now got that car, but it too was in the garage for a few days waiting for a minor part proving to be rather stressful. None the less I have a new car, one slightly larger than I am used to, but I will get used to it.

Other than that I am just feeling rather defeated really almost burnt out in a half sort of way. It’s like I can carry on as normal by myself, but I just cannot deal with extra stresses anymore. I just do not have the energy. I am also upset because I feel like the support I receive is going to be ripped from me. I will make a call to the carers service tomorrow and explain that I am still caring. My role hasn’t changed.

If I am not caring why am I still the one making sure there is gas and electric. Why am I dealing with things for her. Why am I doing all her forms and money management including paying bills. Why does she always turn to me instead of anyone else. Because I am a carer and one that needs support that is why. I am 26 years old but only by age I am still a kid really, one without a support network so many people are used to. I don’t have grandparents, aunt, uncles to help me. I am the eldest sibling too. I have no one to turn to meaning I need that support.

The carer support worker wasn’t my usual one. She was a stand in whilst the other is on annual leave. My normal one was assigned to me because she works with carers who work. However this person seemed to suggest I don’t need support because I don’t attend the carer support groups.

I feel discriminated against, these groups are not for me and I don’t want to go. Nor can I go to them because of my job. They always take place in the middle of the day. I also don’t work in the same county (technically). If I don’t have a job, how do I pay rent, how do I eat and so on. It is just not fair. I am not being paid a pittance on carers allowance just to tick a box for support. Isn’t that what the service is for to encourage people to work or go into education and help them have a life of their own.
I work. I care. I never stop and it is stressful simple as. I will be contacting the carers service tomorrow as I feel it is going to be ripped from me.

No, I don’t attend these groups, but I don’t believe they will stop me feeling so scared all the time. I used my support worker to discuss how to do things such as fill in applications, discuss issues and so on because these people know more than I do. They also know the workings of social services and how to get support. They have also helped me with personal things too such as carers cards, funds and advice about accessing other support. I do not want this to stop.

Mum also continues to be annoying and I simply cannot wait for her to be offered a place on assisted living. So far there has been no word from the team whatsoever suggesting nothing has come available. Mum hasn’t heard anything either so all we can assume is she is still on the list. I just want it to happen a lot faster.

2

Why are you doing these things? Mum has brainwashed you into thinking you must, that it’s your job. It isn’t! Have you arranged counselling yet? Stop making yourself so available. Mum will never do anything for herself if she can get away with you doing it. If she can have boyfriends, get drunk she has to start taking responsibility for her own life with the help of a support worker if needed.

3

Hugs.

Try leaving the house as far as possible. Take some nature walks. That sort of thing. Turn off your mobile phone too. That way then she cannot contact you. Good luck. You are in my prayers in addition. You can consider also taking up a fun new hobby or improve on a skill etc as well. The entire world is your own oyster. Explore and have fun. See if you can find out about evening classes.

4

Hi, thanks I have just screamed at my mum. She has a court hearing on Tuesday over the non molestation order submitted by her domestic abuser. We have been in talks with a solicitor who has been trying to get her legal aid, she was struggling to get an answer from the agency even though it was weeks ago despite the 10 day waiting period.

Earlier today we recieved a message from the solicitor that legal aid hadn’t come through so the solicitor is trying to get the courts to ajurn the hearing. However, if they cant we may have to consider paying. Mum was refusing to pay and wants me to foot the bill out of my inheritance from my dad and then pay out of my wages from work. I got word that legal aid finally come through not so long ago.

I told mum off because I seem to be the one that ends up with the bill or dealing with more finances. If she only stayed away from idiots in the pub none of this would have happened. That money is mine and my siblings. I was next of kin and it is legally mine to control. I vowed that money would get used in his memory, if one of me and my siblings ever has children that money would buy them a keepsake or if we got married it will go to the wedding. It wont get used otherwise. No one has touched it in two and a half years. Me and my siblings have a pact attached to it. It cant be spend without all round consent. I know it cant be kept forever, but I will be damned if the last bit of protection I have from my late dad goes on legal fees to pay for a court case. What an insult to him and his memory. He would be turning in his grave.

Now because I wont she keeps telling me that she is going to take pills and harm herself and I don’t care about her. We had an argument over text. This is how it went.

Me: "Now I have to pay, do you even care. No you only care about yourself.

“Even then you cant even be bothered to get Sally to help you, you’d rather be in the damn pub.”

MUM: “I know you dont care, bye! You wont be bothered if I was dead.”

Me: “Do you even care about me? You seem to care more about him than you do dad, and your kids.”

MUM: Bye, don’t talk to me ever again!

Me: You cant even answer if you care about your kids

MUM: “You don’t care one thing about me.”

Me: “you still cant answer.”

MUM: Bye that’s what you want I won’t bother you anymore. I will take pill now then out your life’s for good.

Me: You’d probably be in the pub tonight getting drunk anyway.

Mum: No I will be dead.

This is the problem, she is just too self centered and makes everything harder. If she cant get away with things, she plays the ‘I will take tablets’ card to win.

5

Coolcar
It’s extremely doubtful your Mother would take her own life after all of the threats. Attention seeking to the max.
I wouldn’t even engage in the sort of conversations you are having with her.

1 Like
6

No advice but you are in my prayers

7

If mum has a bill it is hers to pay, not yours!!
Your inheritance is yours, not hers.

This is really toddler behaviour, trying to get you to do what she wants all the time, so she avoid her responsibilities. I think I said to expect this?

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8

Yeah you did. I agree.

Lately I’ve just felt so casual and unbothered by everything well in such a way that I know I am completely burnt out. I feel like I can’t be what she wants me to be. I can’t be this amazing carer more so than ever, I simply do not have it in me anymore.

I also got asked out by someone the other day. I told them no. But it is for a whole heap of personal and practical reasons. Ultimately, that I just don’t have the energy to commit to someone else other than myself at the moment. I don’t say it in a selfish way though. I am not ready for anything like that yet, and my focus is on a million other places at the moment. In time I will be able to commit but it has only been 4 months since the break up. I also just feel like I need to find myself again.

I sold a few items and I have spent the money on getting train tickets for a day out next month. I will be going to a comic con in Leeds. I could have driven since it’s only an hour away, however the train tickets were cheaper. I also feel like I need to do it. Before everything lockdown included I used to go Leeds all the time to see converts and shows. I was there literally days before the lockdown was announced on a work experience placement. I have never been back since. I will be going alone as my sister is away that weekend, however it will be like old times. I need that feeling of adventure in my life again because I am stagnating.

I am also waiting for tickets to be announced for a certain weekend event sometime in the near future. It has been confirmed it will happen but dates haven’t been announced yet. I went a couple of years ago and that was the first time I went away after two years. I cried at the end of it, I didn’t want to go home.

9

That’s great, Coolcar. Something to look forward too. No need to mention it to your Mum.

11

Oh cool. Is it the one on June 11.

I worry about going to these places because my mum has an habit of calling me and wanting things or pestering me all the time. At times I feel like I can’t do anything with her.

12

Just switch your phone to voicemail or put it in silent. This trip is for you - remind yourself your well-being is important, you work hard and you deserve to have an uninterrupted time.

13

I just got a call from mum.

I know it sounds harsh, but even seeing her name pop up on my phone is enough to make my stomach drop. It happens all the time, even if she just wants to say Hi. Second I see it, I just go.

I was quite happy sat in my room watching the 6th Harry Potter film as part of my marathon over the past few days. It was quite cold, so I put my snoodie and fluffy slippers on. I like being cosy in them and just lay on my comfy bed watching the TV. I haven’t done much tonight, but I have been feeling very lethargic all day. Then again I am on a medication tor PCOS that I slowly have to increase the dosage of once a week, so it may be having an impact still. Other medication has also recently been topped up to a higher dose.

I was playing a card game on my phone too as I was watching the film and then I got the call of her. My stomach dropped, I became sweaty and agitated. Mum just wanted to talk, but I didn’t want to. I could no longer wear the snoodie or slippers despite being very cosy in them seconds before. This is what it is like. Anxiety rips through me and I have to be comfortable to calm down. I have to make my world as tiny as possible in order to not get overwhelmed. Luckily for me I was in my room near a pile of blankets, and my millions of plushies including a giant purple stormtrooper. Just latching onto them is a great tool for grounding, however that it is not always possible. If I am out I find it hard and I constantly worry I am not going to be able to. This is why it is so hard for me to ground myself and go out. If I am in an environment I can’t control it makes it worse. It’s why I can’t handle busses. I know I am getting on a train soon which will be a real test of character. I haven’t been on one in over a year.

It’s all the more poignant that I am like this tonight. The hearing for the non molestation order is tomorrow and I am very worried. I just don’t think there can be a good outcome really. Well I suppose there would be one, however I don’t know if that is possible. It should be but not sure it is. It would be nice to have it overturned and given to mum against him as opposed to the other way around.

Mum wanted to talk about it tonight and I was trying to just get through tomorrow and ignore it until such time. I told mum it doesn’t matter what the outcome is because the reality is she will just run to the next man that shows her an ounce of attention. This is the second one since dad died. She never learns. I would love to take her off social media but I can’t. She is a bloody idiot and dangerous with it. These men aren’t her friends, I have seen the messages, and though I am a modern person and understand all that stuff, it’s disgusting the way these people talk. There is no consent whatsoever? These people are perverts. However mum is unfazed. The fact that she thinks these people are her friends is beyond me.

I know her IDVA is going tomorrow, the police have submitted a shed load of evidence and there are three pending investigations against him none against mum. The police also had to submit all the PNC records of both parties, mum has never had anything, he has been wanted by the police before, being arrested and jailed multiple times, multiple harassment orders. She has a solicitor. His statement seems to be constantly shifting and changing too.

The word on the street is also now saying that I did mums windows. Yet he claimed in the statement that he didn’t know about the windows, he is changing his story. I have never met the man either. Multiple Witnesses to the police also said they saw a tall, slender built man in his late 40s. I’m ashamed to say it but I am none of those things. I am a short, stumpy looking larger built 26 year old woman who can’t buy anything in a shop without getting asked for ID. I have unmanageable hair and have the strength of a wet paper straw. I couldn’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag. I never did it. I lived down that street since I was 11, I couldn’t walk down it without half the neighbours saying hi to me because they saw me grow from child to adult. I’m pretty sure people would have known it was me.

All I will say to that one is good luck proving it because they would need pretty strong evidence. I phoned the police and my mums landlord for gods sake. I submitted a complaint only days later because they didn’t respond in a timely manner. The male has never met me because I wouldn’t allow him too. The investigation has closed anyway, it would take more than rumour and hearsay to open that one again.

This just shows how far things are getting with her and this council estate level path of destruction continues.

14

I can see you are slowly making headway, nothing can change overnight. It’s a shame you turned down an invitation out, please don’t do that again unless you really cannot stand the person inviting you. You need to try a lot of new experiences, I know you were badly let down a few months ago, but that may have been for the best, as it was someone else with a domineering mum. Next time you get home, try putting your phone in a box with pillows or something round it so you cannot hear it at all. It’s not wrong that you’ve realised that you “cannot be this amazing carer any more”, it’s absolutely right. Your mum should never ever have expected you to be that in the first place. A good mum would want you to fulfil all your dreams without a care in the world. Maybe practice using the same phrase to mum every time she makes you feel like this. Something like “Mum, I’m working full time with my own billls to pay and life to lead now, I can’t run your life for you too”. As a journalist I’m sure you can find something along these lines to use? After all, she has support workers now.

15

Thank you. It may have got abit lost in translation there what I meant was a guy asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship. I said no for a fair few reasons really.

He’s nice and is a good friend, but other than that I have no need for another relationship or anything like that at the moment. I just want to be me for now. There will be time in the future when I may decide it has been long enough and I would like someone, but for now I am contempt without one. I just have no desire for any of that and I need to find myself first. I am often quite happy doing my own thing and choosing to be alone and loneliness are different things.

Although the guy is nice, his name doesn’t help. His name is the same as my dads and I feel like I would offend a few people with that one. I also worried he is abit niave really, nice enough, but he’s very under a lot rock on lots of things. Being a carer for so long means i don’t want to be the one that understands and deals with everything. That’s kind of transferring the problem. I’ve always thought good relationships should be as practical as they are loving. They should be on equal ground. I don’t always want Ito be the one equipped with a screwdriver and sticky tape both metaphorically and physically.

Today is the day of the hearing too, and I am absolutely dreading it even though I am not going. I have been throwing up since waking up at 6 this morning and my stomach feels like it’s on a trampoline. I also didn’t get to sleep until about 2.

The IDVA recons they will both be told to leave each other alone and leave it as that. The IDVA was right before on a different thing. I know she will be speaking to the court about mum being high risk on the MARAC safeguarding scale as per his actions. None the less it doesn’t stop me worrying completely.

Other than that really I’m not sure this would be the last of this. I think she’d end up finding someone else like it. I logged into her Facebook the other night to sort a setting out and I saw some of these messages from men who are absolutely disgusting and she’s just not phased by it. She just seems to be agreeing with people but not really acting upon it, but it is disgusting. I remember being at home once, I was in the living room playing on my games console and mum was speaking to this man on the phone. He was literally demanding that I left the room, so could get his satisfaction through pictures. These men are just perverts but it seems mum likes the attention.

Aside from that there was other messages from a man she claims is her best friend in the pub. The messages were talking about disgusting sex acts, once again mum didn’t really say anything but didnt dissuade it. These people are not her friends. I once had to go into this pub and bloody hell it was rough. I have been in a fair few pubs but this one was just vile. Paint ripping off the wall, dirty floors, dust everywhere. Above all a million men who look like they have just got out of prison. I am not against mum going to pubs, but she needs to find nicer ones.

The thing that bothers me most about my role is I am performing in a role that is highly unrecognisable. Caring may be a lot of things, but I am not sure this is it. Like my sister is partially sighted and she asks me to help her occasionally with reading tax letters and stuff, quite important things. I am happy to do it. I wouldn’t need to tell anyone on this site twice, but caring should be helping someone maintain a good lifestyle .ie nutrition, cleanliness, happiness, social inclusion- I don’t need to go on. I am not saying that role is easy we all wouldn’t be here if it was, but it doesn’t seem it with mum.

16

Well perhaps say ‘no’ to a “relationship” but ‘yes’ to Good Friendship…

17

A date is one thing, a “relationship” something else entirely!! I’m not an expert on dating. I met my husband when I was 16, he was 20. I was at school doing my A levels, he was about to drive a Land Rover to Australia. We corresponded for 18 months, until he came back to the UK, 6 weeks later we were engaged, 3 months after that we bought a house together, when I was just 19, and then 2 months later we were married!! He was my other half, and I was his. The last thing you need is any more complications in your life right now, but you do need some more company and friends to go out with as part of building a new life for yourself. One of my beauticians was involved with someone who was really horrible to her, they split up, and then when she was 34 she met Mr. Right and she has two children and a lovely life now, glowing with happiness. Don’t accept second best.

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18

I wont accept second best whatsoever. I have never been the sort of person who feels they need to be in a relationship to be happy. K was a long time friend before the relationship, but now we are nothing. Yes his mother was an absolute maniac. I still have a good relationship with his Nana not that he know, we don’t exactly talk about him anyways.

This guy that asked me is nice enough, he is quite sweet, but very naïve. He’s a good friend; nothing more. He also has the same first name as my dad, and I won’t ever get around that.

I used to go on many adventures during my uni days, I had money and little responsibilty though I was still quite sensible. I always saved and bought my car with my scholarship money. I was always travelling around the country performing stand up gigs, going to see shows, and TV recordings. I was writing for various platforms. For those couple of years things were brilliant and then covid hit, dad died and I became a carer.

I am much more settled now, Its just natural. But I have always wanted that adventure back. Being mums carer has been more than just helping her with difficult stuff. I help my sister with taxes and forms and stuff because of her condition. Though she is still a capable working adult she just struggles to read these big important forms and gets confuddled at big words because of the condition. At least she is grateful. With mum it is so much more emotional. Its not about wanting to help her or not. She is just lazy, expects you to do everything, doesn’t take responsibility, gives me a hard time. But that isn’t it with her, she always has to go through a harder time like its a competition. There was a time where I couldn’t even go to the corner shop without her kicking off because she didn’t want to be alone. I got a lot of abuse of people for ‘being a disgrace’ and ‘not looking after her properly.’

The first time I got away was to a convention in Nottingham and I loved it, the trouble was mum demanded money for me leaving her on her own. I am not talking like normal money, but like compensation. It progressively happened.

I just longed for that adventure back and have done so ever since.

19

I escape to Crete every year now, and try to leave all my troubles behind. One of my fellow travellers from Lincolnshire, also a carer, is painting her hall, I’m turning out my shed, but between all that we’ve worked out what we are going to do on our first day together - a planning meeting at our favourite taverna by our favourite beach. Then we are going on an afternoon cruise, now hosted by a former receptionist from our hotel, who we get on really well with. We don’t actually go until September, but it’s wonderful to look forward to something and smile. I know that if they could see me they would know how happy I was.

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20

BB I am envious. We have been to Crete a couple of times - loved the hotel so much we HAD to go back. It was wonderful. First time was in May and second in October. Both times weather was ideal but water in the sea was much warmer by October!! Lovely people, lovely scenery, lovely Tavernas… We quickly cottoned on to the fact that the barman at the pool bar got to know his good customers and several times a day shot glasses would appear in front of those at the bar then a bottle of Ouzo would miraculously appear from the freezer… A shot for everyone before he toasted us all ‘Yiamas’ and we knocked it back… At home I cannot bear to drink Ouzo, but get the right level of sunshine and it is great! Our second visit was 18 months after the first and he remembered us (must be good tippers!)

I cant see us getting abroad this year - or perhaps ever again. Ah well.

21

Chris, it’s my happy place now. I grew up in Highcliffe, just east of Bournemouth, dad worked on the cliff top and whenever the weather was good, we kids were in the water. When I’m swimming in Crete, I still get that gloriously happy feeling, at 71, it’s worth going just for that!! Sad thing is though that I can only afford it because mum and husband have died and left me some money.