I’m fed up of my mother.

So, it’s been almost a year since my dad died and I became a part-time carer for my mum.

Since then I’ve had a mix of good and bad things in my life, my main good thing is my job. Which has gone from strength to strength.

The only negatives are my mothers behaviours really, and the toxic people around us.

So, the main issue regarding my mums needs right now is her issue with being on her own after a certain time in the evening. I come home and stay there all night I cannot go out because of this. I can’t see friends or anything. I’m allowed to go to work, but that’s about it. At work I am now the only one who is based in the office of my department, the rest work freelance. So I’m pretty lonely at work too. There are plans to get someone else in the office, but these plans aren’t immediate.

Anyway, so I lead a pretty lonely life. I barley talk to anyone anymore except for online. I’ve seen someone on three occasions in the last 8 months. More if you include the pandemic in that. The last time I brought someone to the house, my mum wasn’t so happy about it. One of those occasions was my graduation. The other well I left work early to spend a couple of hours with them (my hours aren’t set in my job).

I got asked out by one of these people about a couple of weeks ago, and he told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too, but I couldn’t be with him. I didn’t want my mum to hurt him and crush his spirit, he deserves a partner who can make him happy and someone he can go out and have dates with. I just can’t have any of that. He told me he wasn’t giving up, but I kind of wish he would give up. It hurts knowing I can do nothing about the situation.

My mum knows nothing about him asking me out, and we’ll I don’t think I will tell her. My mum is looking for another partner, and I know it sounds harsh to my dads memory but the sooner the better. My mum needs stability, that I cannot provide.

She’s been supposed to have support from the mental health community team, but that help has been limited. I cannot begin to say how many times I have asked them for help. They just keep saying that i should get a carers assessment. I keep telling them she doesn’t need a carer. We can’t afford a carer, and I don’t mean it’s because money is low. The money we have goes on bills, and necessities. We still have debts to pay and funeral costs to cover. They say it’s free but it’s not. If that money goes the debts will cost me.

It’s pretty known what causes my mums difficulties, and a carer would only cause a stale mate in her ability to deal with it. Based on traumatic events, she cannot deal with being alone on en evening. A carer would only be there, but at what expense. I’ve told the mental health team, that proper intense talking therapy to talk through these issues would be most beneficial but they never listen. It’s not loneliness that is the issue because she can cope in the day time.

Another thing that is getting to me is my mums childish behaviour. I don’t understand where this is coming from, could this be a sign of something worse? So if we go shopping, she keeps having strops if I don’t buy a specific item like sweets and crisps. She refuses to take things seriously, and everything is a game to her. Even when talking on the phone to her mates, I’m usually the butt of a joke. She always says, I act like her mother. I don’t, I just have to decide what meals we have as she will just buy crisps and sweets. She will also fill a trolley without any regard for space or sell by dates.I feel like I can’t say no to her, because I get stupid faces too.

I feel trapped and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Hi Coolcar,

welcome back. If your look at your previous thread Our Forum | Carers UK

you will see Bowlingbun asked you some questions - the answers to these would help us to help you.