I’ve posted on here before about the struggles I’ve been having about caring for my mother. Her mobility is restricted and suffers from depression. I care for my mum whilst doing a postgrad degree part time. I used to be so close to my mother before she got seriously ill - fast forward 3 years and it feels like we are strangers. She gets so angry so quickly (I suspect she has a personality disorder). Nothing I do is right. Even something so simple as knocking on her bedroom door turns into an argument, or the type of food I give to her or how I stand, how I speak, every single thing I do she criticises. This has been going on for years but ever since we moved to our new flat it’s gotten from bad to worse. I too suffer from depression, I take medication and I have had enough. Every day is the same and I am so tired. She barely gets out the house (unless it’s her hospital appointments) and I understand how that makes her feel down. She’s always complaining that she feels like a prisoner in her own home so with the advice of a friend, I had arranged a cinema trip for us, to escape the home environment and have some bonding time. Instead she got angry because she felt like I was only doing it because she said so or that I didn’t ask her. I just wanted it to be a nice gesture kind of surprise. I just want to scream because I literally don’t know what to do anymore. I am really trying here but everything gets thrown in my face. She wants me to assume what she wants but she doesn’t talk to me, all she does is scream and I can’t take it. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t like confrontation and when I walk away to settle the situation, she makes it out as if i’m being disrespectful. I just don’t want to do all this anymore. All the blame is always put one me, she never realises her part in the destruction of our relationship and she doesn’t want to realise the contradictions in the things she says and when you try to address them, she just shouts louder. ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Just under a year ago i attempted to take my own life because of it all. The insults, the shouting, the criticism, everything just got to me. I have accumulated a lot of strength to overcome those feelings but these last few days i have felt so weak. I’m religious and i have turned to my faith more than ever but no matter how much i try to heal in myself, my mother’s bitter words hit harder and stronger and all i seem to do is hold back the tears until i can’t anymore. I just don’t want to live anymore. I almost had the chance to escape when my mother swung for me a few weeks back and i was offered a place to stay in a temp accommodation but she begged me to stay; she said that she’d communicate with me more but it was a big fat lie and things have only gotten worse. I just don’t want to be in this space anymore. What hurts is i have no income of my own and if i try to find a job, she accuses me of abandoning her. I feel trapped and alone. Everytime i look at my pills i have to force myself to resist another suicide attempt. I just want to end it all and i have no other avenue to express my emotions but here. It just feels like everytime i try to take a chance, it gets thrown back in my face.