Just feeling so lost

Hi, sorry it is me again.

I’m now just feeling so overwhelmed about my caring situation. I am sick of worrying about things.

I have sent an email to social services about mums care about the fact they are failing to meet basic care needs as part of the care act. I also had an appointment with my councillor earlier.

Also an update on the car. It’s a bigger job than expected; basically the head gasket, cylinder head and the piston rings went. An engine recon was advised. I went to sort something with the garage, and the mechanic showed me the car, and it’s issues-so I know he is telling the truth. I should get it back by the end of next week, it’s also going to cost around £1200. The cam belt will also be done within that price. However, I am willing to pay it for that car. Hopefully with a little tlc, it will be like driving a new car. I have been given a courtesy car, but only till Monday due to bookings, so I will have to get a bus to work for a few days. I will just have to get up earlier for a few days. Luckily there is a good deal on busses at the moment, £2 a journey anywhere within the coverage of the busses.

However, I just can’t help but feel lost. I don’t really know what is wrong with me. It’s like I’m waiting for something good to happen, something to look forward to. It’s just not happening. I have things booked in, i am going to see comedian Jack Whitehall next month, and I have tickets booked for my favourite band Muse in June (I bought them before I knew I would have to move out). It’s not so much that I’m not looking forward to it, I am. It is just everything else. I feel like something is missing in my life.

We were discussing holidays earlier at work and my boss said to me about taking mine. I just kind of said I don’t really take them because I don’t really have anything else to do. I don’t exactly have money to go on holiday or any days out. I’d just end up working anyway, just from home. I like my job and it gives me purpose. It’s like what they say “get a job you enjoy and you’ll never work a day in your life.” That is me. I never get up in a morning and say “I can’t be bothered.” I’ve never had a day off due to illness either. Ive taken holidays for other reasons.

I was discussing it with a colleague really, like I’m not depressed, just kind of without any excitement in life. I don’t have a partner anymore and that is more of a choice right now. I’m open to another relationship, but it has to be right. I’m not looking, nor am I someone who needs to be with someone. If the time is right it will happen. I have lots of hobbies, and a million video games to play, but it’s not enough. I watched a programme a few days ago about people travelling and I was in awe about it, I guess I want to do that again.

I drove home tonight, the Friday drive home always seems to have an affect on me. When I left work I went for a walk through the high street which was nice and then got in the car. By 4:30-5pm, there is this glow in the area which makes driving through rural areas and villages quite pretty really. I’m always very contempt driving it. Yet, still I couldn’t help but feeling underwhelmed really. It was nice driving it but once I get to a certain point then it’s back to the same old.

I just want something good to happen. I just want to be happy. I feel like I am on auto pilot.


Perhaps also consider learning a new skill. There are tons of free or cheap ways in order to develop your skills these days. This is a mini list of free course providers as follows, please see below-
Open University
Duo lingo
National Career Service

Alternatively contact a few different local colleges in addition. They may be able to offer advice and tips. Best wishes. There are so many tutors who are happy to work with adults of all ages and abilities too. Take a very close and careful look online to get started.
Make a mini list of recommendations and take it from there. Pick up a course brochure with a lot more details. It will ultimately all work out. You have to make the first move though. Believe in yourself. See if the staff at the local library can help you to access free courses. There are evening classes which are taking place all over the country on top of that.

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Thanks, I am trying to do things, but it is so hard. My batteries seem to be getting worn out quicker. I have absolutely lots of video games to play, but I find I can’t do it. I have tv shows to watch but I can’t.

It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s more that I physically can’t. Even at work, my brain will decide that for that evening “I will make a tuna pasta bake, watch the latest episode of a tv series and then watch a film after.” It’s either that or play a certain video game. I come home, my anxiety kicks in. My brain just keeps telling me I need to get to a safe space. My safe space is tucked in bed with a million plushies for comfort. If I am really hungry I will make a peanut butter wrap or something. It makes things quicker. I try to battle through the anxiety but I just can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to and I don’t try. My brain has an habit of going “why don’t you worry about this next.” Even then I second guess myself. It’s never ending and some days are better than others.

I keep having ideas for things to draw, but I haven’t even touched my graphics tablets in weeks. I try but I can’t concentrate. I wanted to start a little sticker making business and I discussed selling them in the office at work. I designed them during a spare hour at work when I find my concentration is at its highest. But I come home and can’t make them. It’s the same as trying to play video games.

I will admit, in recent weeks there has been one game I have been able to play but only for an hour at a time. It’s a game called spyro, it’s a simple little game one that requires very little thought. I just like collecting the gems across each level, with very easy enemies and getting 100% on each one. Even then each level can take about half an hour to complete fully. However, other games I find I can’t play at the moment. I find other games have too many things going on at once and I can’t concentrate.

This weekend went in two halves, the first half was okay. On Saturday evening, my charger broke so I had to pop out and get one. The shop is only a five minute drive. Just as I went out it started to pour down, it was kind of nice. I was only in my comfort hoodie, and it was fairly warm but coming down fast. I did not care. I went to the shop and bought a few other items. I then decided I would drive to Asda and buy a new bedding set since I needed a new one. It was the rain which inspired that since I thought it would be nice to be in new bedding whilst the evening rain pours down outside my window. I also needed one since I moved in with just a grey stripey thing which was more practical than it was nice. It was okay, but this set is more for me.

Cut to this evening and my anxiety kicks in hard. I had a late lunch so I wasn’t hungry, but when I was I made a peanut butter wrap. I just couldn’t cope with standing at a stove. The lunch was a box of chicken and rice, so it was kind of like tea and dinner and tea in reverse. This evening I tried to start to watch a certain series, I couldn’t concentrate on that and eat my wrap so I turned it off. I then tried to play a game, a series I love, but couldn’t. In the end I just opted to climb into bed and shove Toy Story on in the background. At least it doesn’t give me anxiety. I’m not particularly watching it, it just fills a space with sound.

It’s so hard, it’s a reflection of why I just can’t take any responsibility anymore. I just want someone else to take the realm and do it properly. I want my mum to be my mum. I want to remember my dad as my dad and not the loss of care. I know I can be so much better and I just need more predictability and stability in my life.

You will always be disappointed by your mum, she isn’t happy, but she cannot change either. Attempts to help will be fairly futile. My mum was a hoarder, I gave up trying to help her, accepting that I couldn’t help because she was too set in her ways was hard, and sad.
Reading your posts, maybe it’s time to consider doing things other than games or TV for a while. Not all at once, but maybe wean yourself off. Was this your means of escape when living with mum? Can you substitute it with something that makes you happier?

Yeah I Woke up this morning to another panic attack. I wish they would stop. I have submitted a request to the doctor for a higher dosage of medication. I was supposed to pick up some other medication but I forgot.

I had to take the courtesy car back this morning. They said they are just waiting for my engine to come back in the next few days then the car will be put back together. Hopefully I get it back by the end of the week.

After I ate my wraps for lunch, I was sick. Maybe the peanut butter was too thick for me to eat or it was my nerves. I know I’m not allergic to peanuts. A couple hours later I ate a packet of snack a jacks and I was fine after those. I have been fine since.

During the day mum also messaged me again. I tried to brush her off and then she told me something. She told me that the guy had r d her, and he told her not to say anything otherwise he would hurt her. I told her to contact the police and her domestic abuse support worker. I am annoyed but not surprised. It makes sense the way she has been acting. However I just can’t deal with it.

I am annoyed because she is just too vulnerable for the world and I can’t tell her anymore. I keep telling her about the dangers of pubs, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Unfortunately she is always going to be bait for abusive people. I just think with the pressures in support right now, she is

Tonight I left work early to get the hourly bus. At first the bus was fine, it went through one of my usual routes but getting back near my town it took a turn through an area which I get stressed about going. I didn’t think the bus went that way, it seemed odd to be going this way. That put me on edge. I then made it to the station and got the second bus, once I got on I was really panicky. A woman on the bus was talking so loud. It did give me abit more of an overload.

As for your question. When I was with mum I didn’t have much to do I couldn’t really go anywhere. Only to work and the shop really.

At the moment I am a little stuck without my car. I’m finding some nights I can do things and others I can’t. It’s a lottery. Tonight it’s more out of tiredness, but I’m laid in bed with an audiobook.

Maybe make some plans to go on some trips, when you get the car back? The clocks are changing next week, there will be lighter evenings to look forward to. Maybe think of some circular routes home? Going to a different library, or park, or recreation centre? Not huge trips as you are going to have to be careful with a large garage bill looming, just something different.


I spoke to the mechanic and they are just waiting for the engine to come back from the recon place. The mechanic said everything else has been done, so once it is back it’s just a case of putting it back together. hopefully it will be back by the end of the week.

MI am going to see comedian Jack Whitehall two weeks from now. I am going with my sister. I also have a concert booked in June. I am hoping to go to a couple of comic cons between now and June too. I don’t have too much money right now I am afraid. I did plan to go a theme park this month as it is still in the winter season. Only the zoo is open, so it is cheaper. However, with the car being in repair we haven’t been able to go. It will open as normal next week and then tickets are far too expensive. I won’t go on any rides, so I will just have to find an alternative.

This morning’s journey to work was hard too. It was the first time I have ever travelled to my job on the bus. I was so on edge, I ended up having a nosebleed at home. I got my first bus, and it was packed as expected which made me nervous. My second bus is also every 45 minutes, so I was stressing over the first bus taking the long route through the one-way system in the city centre. When I got to the station I found the space for the second bus, and I got there with about 10 minutes to spare. I walked into Greggs and got a hot chocolate to try and calm me.

The second bus wasn’t so bad, however I struggled at first since it went down a street which causes me issues. But I was soon back on the route I take into work via the car. I got into work earlier than expected which was nice.

I don’t know why I have a problem with busses lately. It isn’t like I have never been on the bus before. I don’t think it is so much about the journey as such, more just having a level of control. When I drive, I can stop if I need to. I am also alone and have very little noise around me. It’s also so much quicker in car which means I can get home into comfort quicker. On the bus I find it too unpredictable with too much unwanted noise and stimulation.

Mum must return to the police station on Sunday to answer bail. I just hope it turns out okay. She has a domestic abuse support worker, and the narrative seems to have shifted. There is so much evidence which the police have seen. I suspect that the police cant charge without strong evidence that she did commit the crimes, and well there is strong evidence to suggest she didn’t. I just worry how she will conduct herself.

As for the news which she told me yesterday, I believe he did that. He has had convictions for it in the past and has been in prison. At the time It happened I was making calls to safeguarding telling them I was worried about this man. They said there was nothing to go off. However, how right I was. They failed to act.

However, what happens on Sunday, I am worried about the future beyond that really. I keep warning mum against pubs; especially the ones she goes in. I just think those sorts of places are full of seedy people waiting to pronounce on vulnerable people all under the influence of alcohol which suddenly makes it okay to behave in these ways. I am sure there are good pubs out there and I don’t speak for all of them. Where we live it is a place obsessed by its heritage. It has never moved on from its lost fishing industry. It creates an odd environment full of people that have been long out of work, or trapped in traditional values of their families. The pubs aren’t nice places, there always seems to be a story in the paper about something happening at one of them.

Mum once asked me to take her inhaler there once after she had forgotten it. I walked in and the number of men who suddenly were excited about a 25-year-old walking in was scary. I am no model and I aren’t ashamed to admit that, more mind over beauty. These men would not leave me alone, I hated every second of it. My mum was amendment on introducing me to some of them, some of them were nice, but others would not stop touching me. I practically ran out of that place. I never returned.

I understand why she goes for the social impact, but I think there are far too many people waiting to strike vulnerable people at the moment. I know I would not enter these places.

I just know I can’t continue with this anymore. Mum is just far too vulnerable for me to cope with, and I am not a human sweeping brush. I can’t make the hurt go away, I can’t bring my dad back. But I also know I can’t live everyday of my life living under the shadow of what she has been through.

I managed through most of the day fine, I got the bus again. The first half of the journey was fine. However once it got to that place again I really started to panic. traffic was bad too. The bus kept stopping and starting making me all the more panicky. Eventually we reached the station, and I got my next bus immediately. The next bus journey is short but it’s still so hard. I got off the bus and practically ran home. By the time I got in my room I was exhausted and so out of breath. I cooked a pizza and ate that (it was one of those make in store ones so moderately healthy). I am now in bed shaken up trying to breathe. I’m cuddled up tightly to a big teddy for comfort.

Before I got to the place I was quite happy on the bus, it was following one of the routes I would normally go. The bus also had one of those posh sounding announcements things, they are still new to me.They were making me laugh because I know the route like the back of my hand, and every village in the area, but I never knew the name of the bus stops and some of them had silly names that make no sense. They were said in the posh announcement voice. But it just goes to show how things can change for me when I go to these specific places. It is so hard.

I can’t wait to get my car back and I will be chasing it up tomorrow.

I don’t even want to sound like I am being defeatist. My mental health issue just defies all logic and even though I tell myself it’s okay, the other half of me likes to tell me I am in danger. It’s a constant internal battle. It’s this what makes it more exhausting and why it escalates. I just want to go home to familiar surroundings and comfort.

Other than that my phobias demonstrate how hard it is for me to provide care.

Maybe see if you can have a break.

Thanks. I would really like to take a break but it feels like I can’t. For me it’s just not that easy to get someone to take over. There is no family anc the carers can only do so much. She needs so much emotional support it’s unreal.

I’m also getting fed up of the care coordinator calling me when he can’t get in touch with mum. I’m always left feeling like ‘what do you want me to do?.’

Throughout the night I have woken up being sick. I think the travelling to work is taking its toll. I don’t have another counselling session for another month either since she is on annual leave and fully booked for two weeks after.

I hate to put some blame on social services, but if I hear the word ‘capacity’ one more time. The way I see it if an adult is known to them, then they have limited or no capacity. Therefore mum has limited capacity. Social services knew that the man was dangerous and her previous social worker did raise concerns, however her case was soon passed over to the long term care team who haven’t done anything for six weeks. What has happened is partly on them. I think the term capacity is used as an excuse

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Mum is doing everything she can to manipulate you to go back home to her. This is to be expected! When I had counselling, aimed at managing my own mum’s expectations, he suggested that I should put the answerphone on permanently. I could hear any message, but I answered them when I had time, not when I was writing my magazine. If I spoke to her in the middle of an article, by the end I’d forgotten where I was, completely lost my train of thought. I suspect you can identify with this?!

Tell mum you cannot answer the phone during the day. If she wants to talk, and you feel able, then say “I’ll ring between 7pm and 8pm”. Taking control in this way will make you feel a lot better, and enable you to get on with your life, in peace.

Keep a diary/notebook, when she rings you, what about, and the length of the call. If they go on and on, set a timer and say you only have 15 minutes, then have to go. Stick to it.

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Not always. I’m known to social services and I have full capacity.

I see what you mean. I get that. I just mean like social services seem to see people as having all or no capacity with no inbetween. Mum has communication issues, and really needs help to understand things which by definition means she can’t fully consent without help to make an uninformed choice.

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My mind works at a million miles an hour naturally. My workplace is quite small and I’m one of only two full time staff, and the only full time journalist. Even the editor isn’t full time, although she is available for advice. I don’t particularly get assigned stories either, it’s just a case of using my own intuition. Because of that I’m always working on something, I get a million emails a day and always get side tracked. I have methods of dealing with this though. So yeah I do get distracted but it’s not so bad. The paper is also weekly giving me plenty of time.

Yeah I’m in abit of a fluffed situation at the moment. It is hard. Like I say I’m happy on my own, but I realise I just don’t have a family like other people. I mean one day I may be able to start my own family, but that isn’t happening soon both by choice and circumstance. I don’t know if I can have kids since I have pcos but that is something to think about at a later date.

Mum is very difficult and it’s so hard. It’s not about not wanting to help her. The trouble is she is developmentally challenged as a result of a tough and abusive childhood. Generally she can be a nice person and always wants to help people and has a good heart. She’s brilliant with disabled people. However, her social responses are warped because of her issues. I think the trouble is with social services they always want to tick a box and know just what is wrong, yet mum is just challenging.

She can understand disabled people so well, but able bodied people she can’t. It’s okay if someone is a kind gentle person, however she struggles with nuances in communication and she gets hurt and swayed easily.

I haven’t told her about my breakup with K. She doesn’t know I live alone yet. I’m not sure I can tell her yet really. She asked me the other night where everyone else was meaning my ex’s family.

As for an update on the car. I contacted them earlier just to see what the progress was. The engine is back at the garage and they were working to put it back together this afternoon. It should be ready by Friday if not earlier. I can’t wait till I don’t have to get anymore damn busses.

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My mind also whizzes round, people often used to say to me “I don’t know how you do it”. Often I had no choice. On the rare occasions I had time to spare, I would spend time in the garden if the weather was nice; sew if it was cold, wet, or raining. I also enjoy making cakes, but now try to ration cake making as I have put on weight
Then I had major surgery, lost my husband, and then I was disabled in a car accident, all in the space of under 2 years. In the 5 years that followed I could only just walk, usually with one stick, or two when it was bad. I needed to make an entirely new life for myself.
Your old life has now gone, you are living alone in a new place. Somehow, you need to find something calming to do that you can lose yourself in.
I think I recommended a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff a while ago? It’s written with divorcees in mind, but so much is relevant to anyone starting a new phase of life. The writing style if very good, so easy to read. It suggests making lists of things you’ve always wanted to do, and giving them a try, to find a new hobby or interest. Then thinking afterwards if it was great, or awful.
This led me to a new interest, making necklaces to match the dresses I make for holidays in Greece. I like my necklaces slightly longer that usual, so if I want something different, I have asked someone to make specially for me. Nearly everything I wear has teal green, apple green, or turquoise in it. Wherever I am shopping, I pop into the charity shops to look at their necklaces and bracelets and buy those I like, around £2. It’s a very calming hobby that doesn’t cost much, doesn’t take up much space, and I end up with something original and pretty. While I’m “playing with my beads” time stands still, I’ll have a TV programme on, and the end credits seem to come up without me watching any of it!!
I’m not suggesting you take up bead making, but trying something completely new. The clocks are about to change, so think about a new activity to do in the evenings.

I’m going out on a limb here however you might want to consider a weekly quiz night. You can have some white wine and fish and chips plus a full question sheet to use for it. Or try to do some type of cooking. Art and craft is a wonderful means of relaxation. So is reading.

Yeah, I mean I manage a buzzing mind so well people have always said I am very versatile. I’ve always been a chaotically organised person. My brain constantly works overtime but that isn’t always a bad thing.

However at the moment, I am having some difficulty doing activities after work because I have had to adapt to a new schedule whilst my car is in the garage. I’m waking up at 6:30 in a morning to get my first bus at 7:20 which takes about 20 minutes. I am then getting my next bus at 8 which takes another hour and 10 minutes. Normally the same route takes me about 50 minutes by car in a morning. It slightly worse on the way back due to the different bus route which adds about 20 minutes. I’m travelling over 4 hours a day at the moment to get to and from work and it’s normally only an hour and half. It is really taking its toll, and I really felt it tonight.

The first bus got into the station and I still hadn’t decided what I wanted for tea; my head was saying I can’t be bothered to cook. Instead I just went to the bakery and got a toasted panini meal deal. I wouldn’t normally, but I just needed to today. My sleep schedule is pretty normal. It’s just the traveling.

The only saving grace and I mean only is the bus company has a great deal on at the moment. It’s £2 for a single either way. I just have to buy an xtra return on top of that into the city centre at £3.50

I have been constantly yawning at work for the past two days. I know I was tired this evening because instead of my anxiety levels hitting the roof I was falling asleep watching the sunset and the world go by. I’m not sure it has cured it, I was just too tired to care.

I think my issue of busses is probably a post covid thing. I was discussing it with colleagues the other day; how people do have issues with things that never existed before the pandemic. Like alot more people are more warier of spaces assosiated with crowds and disease. I contracted covid myself just the once but I was completely fine, however, I always said the fear of covid was worse than those that became ill. I don’t mean that in a horrible way obviously covid was bad and killed so many people. I lost my dad and a work colleague ended up in hospital for a couple of months (She is completely fine now). I just think covid became a deep rooted fear that we have probably not got over yet. I am sure were all guilty of it, but even seeing someone cough or sneeze in public gives us the ick.

I just keep thinking that something is missing out of my life though. I’m trying to save abit of extra money to hopefully go back to london sometime soon. I would like to the Harry Potter studios. A nearby coach company does trips there.

I am reading that book slowly.

Yeah I agree with the arts and crafts thing. I have a little side business idea which I am trying to do. I like to use my graphics tablet and I hope to create some stickers in the near future and sell them at work. A few local people sell their books and things in our office and some of them have done brilliantly.

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Hi again. I’m still just worried really, tiredness isn’t helping. I am so physically exhausted and I’m not feeling well at all. I’m just so out of it, it’s scary. If it carries on I’m going to speak to a doctor, but at the moment I’m just putting it down to exhaustion from a change of routine. However I am not so sure.

I got my car back today after just under two weeks, so at least that is something. My poor bank account didn’t know what hit it, but the car should last a while now. Its engine has been refurbed which should help fuel costs anyway. They weren’t a problem in the first place, but it should be a good side effect.

I’m lost for what to do about mum, she is just beyond my handling and I can’t cope with her behaviour. I can help her, but I feel like she needs to listen, she needs to recognise signs of danger. She also needs to stop using my dads death as an excuse.

I noticed today that my jeans were feeling abit looser, not much but looser. I had to fasten by belt tighter, there is only one notch left on that belt. I think I have lost weight which is not a bad thing. But it demonstrates the stress I am under.

Tonight I’m in bed already. After I got my car I went to the shop for a top up. I cooked my tea and tried to play some video games, but after an hour the exhaustion was really kicking in. I keep waking up really early too.

I am trying to stay awake, because I have done it in the past where if I fall asleep I will wake up at about 11, and then struggle to go back to sleep. So I will be up all night which then messes with my body clock and causes me to panic abit.