I just want things to progress

I was hoping to go somewhere this weekend with my sister to get away, but now I can’t go because my idiot boss is refusing to pay his staff. Were supposed to get paid on the 29th but since that is a bank holiday we are supposed to get paid on the Friday, however after many years of that being in place the big boss is now disputing that and wont pay us until then. He told other staff members but told them he would tell everybody, but he hasnt. Many of us were of the assumption that we were getting paid today without knowledge otherwise. I have direct debits coming out of my account and need to pay some of my car, and medical expenses and stuff. I have no spare money until Tuesday either. Brilliant

Your boss sounds like he is getting worse.

I just can’t help but feel so stuck really. I mentioned not wanting to be in another relationship partly it is me, but it’s also the issue I have with mum. I just don’t want to let anyone down and I don’t want anyone to think they are getting more than I can give. I know I am not ready for another relationship yet, and that is completely fine. I enjoy just been independent for now. However, I just don’t think I can put anyone else through my struggles. I also feel ashamed and I would rather be on my own than put someone through that. Bear in mind the guy is nice enough, not like many men online (I needless say more). He’s sweet, nice, educated with a lot of similar interests. However he is completely Naive. If I mention something he’s eager to learn, but I don’t want to explain everything all the time. He told me he has never had a long term relationship before and that worried me. I guess I just feel like I don’t want to be the driving force of a relationship and be the stronger one. I just want to be equal. I have spent too long being the strong one.

Lately I have also had abit of a battle with my health and facing realities which need to be sorted. It’s only a minor condition, or conditions, but lack of treatment can cause some damage in the future, then it’s irreversible. I don’t know the true extent of the damage on my body, only that I know treatment now will help.

For the first time in such a long time, balance has been restored to my diet and although I skip some meals, I am able to make better choices and think about the food I consume. Before mum would stress me out so much that a trip to McDonald’s seemed like the most effective thing to quickly get food into my body. I don’t do that now. I am cooking and trying new recipies for the first time ever. Whilst that sounds positive, I can’t help look at my meds with disgust really, I feel ashamed of them. I hope to get to a stage one day where my body is in a better shape therefore I don’t need the meds to help, but that could be years away. At the moment they are important. I feel ashamed because I associate meds and health care with the many things I have seen with mum for many years. Whilst part of me, the logical part knows I need them, the emotional side can’t help but just identify how weak I must be to need them and I must be no better than mum. It’s an odd mix.

I spoke to the carers service in the week and they say that it sounds more like a boundary issue more than anything. Yes it is, but I am still a carer. I also spoke to them about the carers not doing certain things.

I just can’t help but think that I do not like mum anymore, and I don’t have a good relationship with her. As I spend time away I just realise she is not the good person people think she is. I have been through so much, and I am just done.

Me and my sister go on long drives quite abit and we just talk. Many talks have been about mum and our relationship with her. Even when dad was around she was difficult, everything had to be about her.

On another note, this month should be good. I mentioned previously selling some things and I have some money to go to a comic con in a week or so. I also have tickets (bought last year) for some concerts. Two of the three events are not in my home town so I can get away for the day. I have booked train tickets for one of them, and it will be the first time going back to that place since literally days before Covid. As much as I love driving, I am happy to be travelling on a train again like the old days.

Coolcar, good you are eating better (don’t blame yourself for occasional blips.)

You have what BB calls ‘clapped out carers syndrome’ or compassion fatigue.

Lovely to have things to look forward too. Just check the train strike dates.

I agree you don’t have the emotional capacity for a relationship just now, this won’t always be the case though.