I was hoping to go somewhere this weekend with my sister to get away, but now I can’t go because my idiot boss is refusing to pay his staff. Were supposed to get paid on the 29th but since that is a bank holiday we are supposed to get paid on the Friday, however after many years of that being in place the big boss is now disputing that and wont pay us until then. He told other staff members but told them he would tell everybody, but he hasnt. Many of us were of the assumption that we were getting paid today without knowledge otherwise. I have direct debits coming out of my account and need to pay some of my car, and medical expenses and stuff. I have no spare money until Tuesday either. Brilliant
Your boss sounds like he is getting worse.
I just can’t help but feel so stuck really. I mentioned not wanting to be in another relationship partly it is me, but it’s also the issue I have with mum. I just don’t want to let anyone down and I don’t want anyone to think they are getting more than I can give. I know I am not ready for another relationship yet, and that is completely fine. I enjoy just been independent for now. However, I just don’t think I can put anyone else through my struggles. I also feel ashamed and I would rather be on my own than put someone through that. Bear in mind the guy is nice enough, not like many men online (I needless say more). He’s sweet, nice, educated with a lot of similar interests. However he is completely Naive. If I mention something he’s eager to learn, but I don’t want to explain everything all the time. He told me he has never had a long term relationship before and that worried me. I guess I just feel like I don’t want to be the driving force of a relationship and be the stronger one. I just want to be equal. I have spent too long being the strong one.
Lately I have also had abit of a battle with my health and facing realities which need to be sorted. It’s only a minor condition, or conditions, but lack of treatment can cause some damage in the future, then it’s irreversible. I don’t know the true extent of the damage on my body, only that I know treatment now will help.
For the first time in such a long time, balance has been restored to my diet and although I skip some meals, I am able to make better choices and think about the food I consume. Before mum would stress me out so much that a trip to McDonald’s seemed like the most effective thing to quickly get food into my body. I don’t do that now. I am cooking and trying new recipies for the first time ever. Whilst that sounds positive, I can’t help look at my meds with disgust really, I feel ashamed of them. I hope to get to a stage one day where my body is in a better shape therefore I don’t need the meds to help, but that could be years away. At the moment they are important. I feel ashamed because I associate meds and health care with the many things I have seen with mum for many years. Whilst part of me, the logical part knows I need them, the emotional side can’t help but just identify how weak I must be to need them and I must be no better than mum. It’s an odd mix.
I spoke to the carers service in the week and they say that it sounds more like a boundary issue more than anything. Yes it is, but I am still a carer. I also spoke to them about the carers not doing certain things.
I just can’t help but think that I do not like mum anymore, and I don’t have a good relationship with her. As I spend time away I just realise she is not the good person people think she is. I have been through so much, and I am just done.
Me and my sister go on long drives quite abit and we just talk. Many talks have been about mum and our relationship with her. Even when dad was around she was difficult, everything had to be about her.
On another note, this month should be good. I mentioned previously selling some things and I have some money to go to a comic con in a week or so. I also have tickets (bought last year) for some concerts. Two of the three events are not in my home town so I can get away for the day. I have booked train tickets for one of them, and it will be the first time going back to that place since literally days before Covid. As much as I love driving, I am happy to be travelling on a train again like the old days.
Coolcar, good you are eating better (don’t blame yourself for occasional blips.)
You have what BB calls ‘clapped out carers syndrome’ or compassion fatigue.
Lovely to have things to look forward too. Just check the train strike dates.
I agree you don’t have the emotional capacity for a relationship just now, this won’t always be the case though.
Yeah. I know I have become obsessed with my health recently, but I feel lost about the whole thing. I have an official diagnosis but it seemed like more happened before it. Now I am just fighting services for the right treatment. Once service is even refusing to treat me because I paid privately for some medication from my savings. I bought it because I wanted desperately for something to work, and it is.
It was all above board by the way. The GP knows I am taking it and I had to submit medical records to get it. It was from boots too and very legal, and not cheap. The medication can be prescribed on the NHS but it is a postcode lottery. Some places offer it when you have a really high BMI and a weight related condition which is what I have.
Since taking it I have lost 4kg and I am only half way through the first lot of meds. 4kg is not much but I was advised by a doctor that if you loose 5 percent of body fat over 12 weeks then that is good. I have just entered week 4 and I have lost maybe 3.5 percent of my body fat.
The weight loss service said the referral has not gone through yet but if I continue to take it then they will refuse me. According to them it goes against all their advice, it suggests to me that their advice may just be a load of crap for someone with my condition. I suppose they are thinking I need to make ‘lifestyle changes over a miracle cure.’ They even said that those that take it as advised by a Diabetic consultant or GP for stuff like diabetes will also be refused. I am waiting for tests to see if I am prediabetic as PCOS causes something/is caused by something called Insulin resistance which can go on to cause diabetes if not treated, if not present already. I already take a medication for insulin resistance, but have never been told that I am pre-diabetic or anything.
The referral won’t be put through until I have more blood tests. They are booked for the end of the month, and the meds would easily have run out by then.
I am contacting my MP because I feel like I have been refused treatment on the NHS for taking a perfectly legal drug. All the drug does is slow your gut down making you feel fuller for longer. It doesn’t even bind fat in anyway. So imagine the effect it has when you are in a calorie deficit and you have a bowl of wheatabix for lunch which is already a slow digestion food. It literally means my body doesn’t get hungry at all for hours. I also love a bowl of wheatabix, cheap, tasty and very filling.
There is not much I can do until the council run gyms in the area reopen too. I don’t want to go private, even my sister said it’s just too much and the people in there are like body builders and so on. I hardly want flashbacks of my P.E days. Other than that the gyms are all undergoing major renovations and refurbishment and are not expected to open for a while. It’s like this in multiple places across the city, even the Museums are too.
Anyway, mum continues on her path of destruction and I just can’t be bothered. I was driving to my sisters the other day and I saw her walking down the street. I desperately hoped she would not see me. I don’t think she did. I do know that she got drunk last night in the pub and got into abit of a scrape with someone other that abusive ex. It is a joke really, I have told her stop going to that pub if his mates are there. She is literally showing off for attention.
I also keep getting messages of mum. She keeps asking if my dad would be proud of her for dealing with things the way she has. How do I even answer that? I know dad would ashamed really. She allowed family to force her children out of the home, got into an abusive relationship, keeps getting into some sort of incident. He would be ashamed? She is expecting a dead man to enable her behaviour. She is tarnishing his memory and using his death as an excuse to do what she likes and not take responsibility.
Other than that some good things have happened. A couple of days ago I had a lovely surprise when I got home. I opened a letter to see that I had got a refund for car tax since my old one has now been transferred on. I got a cheque for just over £100. (I always pay car tax in full). My family never owned a car growing up and I am the only one to drive, my old car was my first car. I had no reason to believe that when the car was transferred I would get any tax back, but now I have that is brilliant.
Hugs and prayers. Good luck
That’s great getting a windfall like that. Did you know that you can now spread the cost of car tax by paying monthly by direct debit. No more nasty demands for a big lump. I find this easier to budget for. I’m so glad (in a way) that you are leaving mum to her own path of destruction. Nothing you ever say or do will change her, it was like banging your head against a brick wall really. I saw your remark as a huge step forward for you. As for dad being proud of her?! Maybe you should have an answer ready for that next time, focussing on the fact that she needs to accept responsibility for her own actions?!
Yeah. I know. I’ve just always paid it in one lump sum really. It kind of falls from my uni days since I only got so much each term I just paid it off just to have it done with. When I first bought the Citroen in 2020, it had a new mot, needed taxing and had to buy insurance. It just made sense to pay it all off at once since I had it. Now I just save to pay it all off, and obviously my car insurance is a third of what it used to be. Now it works out to be £700 a year for everything and continues to get cheaper as my insurance comes down with driver experience.
I do not think dad would be proud of her in the slightest really. I think it gives her an ego boost when she thinks she’s winning a game even though no one is playing. I can’t even seem to talk to her without listening to crap from her. All I listen to is “do you think he’s a narcissist?” “Why did he hurt me?” What would your dad think?” On Facebook, I just see her posting quotes about Narcisism, I ignore it. Yes we get the idea.
I honestly don’t know or don’t care about the answer to some of those questions. I keep telling her that if she has such a problem with people in the pub, I don’t know, maybe stop going and stop trying to win over absolute idiots. Not everyone wants to be your friend, and there are people in this world, far too many of them who take advantage. This is why I can’t be bothered anymore. I just think dad would be ashamed really.
There was a story my sister told me which just reflects how he must have felt towards the end of his life. He was a smoker for many years, but gave up before the diagnosis. When he was very ill, I must have been out he asked my sister to buy him some Tabaco because he needed it because he was stressed. Even in his late cancer stage, he was annoyed about her behavior.
I hate playing what if’s but I think he may have been here today if she just communicated with me and my sister. I have mentioned before that it all happened at the height of the pandemic, a junior doctor was treating him at home. He told my mum and dad a nebuliser would have sorted the problem in his lungs, but they were struggling with the supply of them due to the pandemic.
I never knew this at the time, and I would of jumped at the chance of buying one. If only I knew. I know dad would have been to proud to ask us himself even if he could speak. There were many occasions where we needed something and we would say to him we will sort it, I would rather you pay us back then over pay a catalogue. He refused. Mum blames my sister for his death, but we had the opportunity to save his life and wasn’t told. She was more bothered about herself as ever.
She once told me after dad died that she couldn’t be alone in the house because she is scared of being alone and getting attacked, the truth is she is leading herself into these situations. The fact that she thinks she can’t sit in her home without getting hurt just shows what life was like for her growing up and how much bother she gets into. I go home, make food sometimes and watch tv and settle down. So many people do it yet, I don’t know why she can’t. Like it’s been said, I am so burnt out and void of any compassion now. Like not towards anyone else, but just to mum, I cannot defend her behaviour anymore. I will help anyone that asks for it, but she goes too far.
Mum has also learned this really thing too. She has learnt to constantly ring and ring until she gets answered. I believe she has learnt that behaviour from men on Facebook who badger her all day everyday.
My new car has an aux port which is something I have wanted for a long time my old car didn’t have one. I can plug my phone in and leave a playlist on shuffle as I am driving. It is quite a basic system and the car just becomes a speaker. The trouble is it picks up everything and if mum rings it doesn’t stop. I now cant have music on in the car and the music service is an app so I cant exactly switch the 4g off. Yeah, I will be getting a second iPod soon enough, just haven’t yet due to issues with wages and been busy.
It really winds me up, she will even do it mid conversation. If I do something whilst typing and I mean anything. If I don’t reply in 10 seconds she will call. I often just feel like shouting at her, but she goes off in a huff threatening to harm herself because she has been called out. I have wanted to say to her a million times, “I will just stop on the A63, don’t worry about the 6pm traffic and all the delivery lorries from the ports, I will just tell them he was a narcissist, they will understand.”
I’ve realised that I just need to focus on myself because I know I am not the happy go lucky person I once was. On the outside I am fine, but I know I am so insecure. My natural response in situations is to be extremely quiet or just make loads of jokes to people. At work I am the latter, though my colleagues join in. I do it out of insecurity sometimes although I do like to make people laugh. If anything laughter is the most opposite from feeling depression.
I also had a bad dream a couple of nights ago, something that is very real. It kind of panicked me really and still does.