So there is good news. I didn’t think it would happen but it has. Mum has been officially taken off bail, there was no solid evidence. It’s a huge relief though it’s not an end all to problems.
Today I just had a massive breakdown at work and started crying. I didn’t really speak to anyone, I just felt so under appreciated.
Coolcar, that’s great news re your Mum and justice prevailing in the end. Though you can have done without all the worry leading up to this.
The crying will hopefully do you good - a release of some of the anxiety and stress you have been carrying around.
It was mainly due to work why I broke down, or may have been the straw the straw that broke the camels back.
I hate to use it as my trump card but I just feel like sometimes people don’t understand the stress I am under as a young carer or even a carer for that matter really. I feel like the outside world doesn’t understand what pressure us carers face constantly. I am mainly on my own in this world and I have next to nothing. I barely have a family. I barely have a home. Barely any money and struggle to survive now. Next to nothing. I have had to start again from scratch and it will be a long time before I have any stability, if ever.
I’m usually quite a strong ambitious and independent individual but that doesn’t mean I don’t break sometimes. It’s like what people say sometimes you don’t realise you’re not okay till after something ends. I know I am not okay, and I am exhausted. I am constantly scared and I am just so jumpy all the time. Everyday brings new things I have to worry about. I am fed up of mum calling me everyday because she doesn’t know how to do something on her phone, or she wants help with something. Its getting to be everyday now. I just don’t know anymore.
I received a fine the other day, a private parking fine because she asked me to meet her somewhere and sort her phone. She was taking the mick in the car park and I got a £60 fine which is just brilliant considering I am skint for the month now. All because she couldn’t get on damn Facebook because she didn’t know where a little cross was. She even called me and I told her a hundred times its in the corner, and if she cant do it just turn it off and on again. She didn’t know how to turn the phone off. I had to drive to her and I thought it would be fine to stop for five minutes, but she took the mick and she wanted to talk about hard done by she was. I got the fine.
Work affected me because I just felt awful and I feel so under appreciated. My boss was singing the praises of another work college as she always does. I kept hearing phrases like ‘he is the savior,’ he a ‘lifesaver’ and ‘very under recognized.’ I had tears in my eyes as she said it. In my opinion he is okay, he’s nice I get along with him, that isn’t the issue. It was the fact that she over complements him all the time. I have also heard it a million times before now, it always hurts every time. I never get anything. I feel so undervalued. Nothing I ever do is good enough for anyone. I feel like a complete carpet.
Everyone says take a holiday, but I literally cannot afford it whatsoever. There are no more cut backs I can make to afford it, so budgeting is not the answer. I rent one of the cheapest places I could get. I already shop in the discount fridge and sometimes go without. Or I will eat lunch at work to avoid feelings ashamed, but even then it is only a cereal bar. That will sometimes be all I have. No one should have to admit that, nevermind a journalist. I am supposed to upkeep a certain demeanor, no one will ever believe a journalist is on the breadline. It hurts when the rest of the colleges to to the chippy one day a week for lunch. I always say I am watching my weight for an upcoming apponintment, but the truth is I just cant afford it. I say that to avoid the shame.
They will go home to loving families, a warm meal on the table. I dont go home to anyone, just a dingy little room which takes half my money. I never hear anyone say how proud they are of me. No one appreciates anything I do despite the hard work i have to put in to appear normal.
I’d say that’s most likely.
I know your probably don’t think you should - but you are as entitled (wrong word, but too tired to think of a better one) as the next person to go to a food bank if you can’t afford food. Prices really are crazy at the moment.
There are also some great schemes which are about preventing food waste and getting together to share a meal. I keep my eye out as think S would enjoy this (but its tricky as he has IBS)
This is just an example of the schemes - they are for all ages and happen in the evening as well.
Have you checked if you aren’t eligible for universal credit to top up your wages, just in case?
I think a lot of people are struggling with holidays etc at the moment.
Do you have anyone you could visit for a few days, to have a break and a change of scene? Or perhaps plan a few nights away camping?
I’m scared to even enter a food bank as a journalist. I just know that people will think I am doing it as some sort of story. I’ve seen it happen. Sadly certain newspapers in the area love to do the poverty prn thing and it’s given us all a bad name. I just have to remain to go without.
I can’t go on universal credit, I simply earn too much and by too much I earn miniumum wage, that’s it. A menial £18,000 a year. That is it. I have asked for a payrise so many times liz I tried to get pip for mental health but they said no because I work so therefore I don’t have it.
just to add insole to injury, I am having more car troubles. Thr car has gone back to the garage and I had to call out a mobile mechanic last night which told me the previous people had not done the job properly. The coolant pipe on my car has gone kaput and it was really badly steaming last night.
I have been given a courtesy car for the weekend. I had plans this weekend which have now been cancelled. Just bloody brilliant.
I was already feeling abit crap and was very hungry when I was picking my sister up. I got a call from my mum to say that the electric tripped in her house. She wanted me to sort it. I whinged at her but went.
When I went I moved some stuff out of the cupboard under the stairs and climbed other other stuff to get in. Mums abit of a hoarder. When I climbed in, I went down headfirst into the cupboard with bags behind me. I landed on something soft but gravity was not my friend. My face was pressed into something making it difficult to breathe. I couldn’t swivel round and there was stuff behind me. I was screaming uncontrollably. I already have a tiny bit of claustrophobia anyway. I was pushing hard to get out and lift my head. My face was pressed against something so I could only see pitch black. I felt faint.
My mum was trying to pull me out but she didn’t have the strength so she had to run and get the neighbour. The neighbour scrambled to get the stuff out of the cupboard so I could be pulled back out. I was so afraid of blacking out. I was screaming “I am going to die.”
I got out and I barely had any strength. I was feeling faint and had to rush to get to my mums sofa to settle. My mum got me a drink. After about 10 minutes I was sick, luckily I had another shirt on so i could cover up easily.
It took a good hour to reach some normality. Im still shaken but normal, although my muscles are abit weak. I was trying with all my force to get out and I think it hurt me.
I know it’s early days but I am shaken by it. It was very traumatic.
My sister was in the car waiting. It was only supposed to be a two min job. My mum went to get her, and she looked at me like what the hell happened. Stuff was everywhere at this point but I was out and safe. She had to do the electric I talked her through it. I didn’t want to go back in.
It’s just one other reason why I can’t do this anymore.
You keep saying that but keep going round! I hope you gave mum a lecture about the state of her cupboard?! I think I would have chucked it all out and told her in no uncertain terms to sort it out. If her electrics go again, she must call an ELECTRICIAN, not you. She is only going to stop ringing you when anything and everything happens if you make yourself less available.
Leave the country literally. Escape to a hotel. Find a cottage somewhere.
How I wish I could. I can barely afford to feed myself yet again find the money to go on a holiday. I can barely go to the next city without it breaking the bank. I can barely afford to feed myself. This is the new reality when a person on minimum wage literally can’t afford to have three meals a day, feed and cloth themselves. I am not entitled to any benefits at all apparently I earn to much. I have done all I can to save money, but you can’t budget your way out of poverty.
I am so depressed. I am starting to hate my job so much and they are only adding to the pressure I constantly feel. My boss has nearly had me in tears on multiple occasions now. I always feel like I can never do anything right in her eyes. Today she made a couple of snappy remarks at me. The remarks are getting more common now and I know I am not the only one that is worried about them. I always hear comments about how much of a ‘legend’ another colleague is. I mean he’s nice I like him, her comments are just overkill.
I never get a thanks whatsoever either. Instead I feel like she expects me to go above and beyond for no extra benefit whatsoever. The trouble is I do go above and beyond. I collect comments from people all the time, a stack of thank you letters for people I have worked with, but nothing.
I am just not going to go above and beyond when I can barely feed myself on the wage I am given. I am starting to look for a new job.
I feel down because on top of that I don’t go home to a loving family and a warm meal on the table. I go home and I am too worn to do anything other than watch tv. If I am lucky I will be able to eat something that night.
I don’t go home to hugs, kisses or anything. The only thing I do come home to is how the bins haven’t been taken out or the kitchen has been left dirty. I’m always the one to be told as the only other woman in the house. None of the other housemates even work, they have all the time in the world to do some menial housework, but it always seems to be me that gets the blame despite the fact that from 7:30am to 7pm I am not home. I obviously can’t always cook either.
I just don’t want to do this anymore. At work I barely speak now because I just feel like what is the point. I’m not the over confident posh blonde journalist that’s the life and soul of the office, (we don’t have one of those) I’m just the nobody who has confidence issues. I am nothing special to look at, and I am overweight thanks to a stupid medical condition. I am receiving hospital treatment for the condition.
I think work are starting to notice something is wrong with me. They said they were worried, but I just thought if you are worried find the time to talk to me. No one ever has time to listen to me anymore. I say things and I feel ignored.
If you are unhappy at work, then this sounds a good plan. Are you looking to stay in journalism?
Now the lighter evenings are here, don’t just go back to your room. It’s time to start taking better care of yourself, something I doubt mum taught you to do? Just a gentle walk every evening, no targets, other than just a little further every night. Look at the plants showing signs of live, listen for birds, whatever you like. Don’t think about mum or work, just how you feel as you walk, the wind in your hair, sun on your face.
My car came back today. At first I thought it was good news or half good news. The mechanic was worried about it though and said there was a good chance that it would not work and it would not be worth skimming once again. I just prayed that it would be okay. He said that I could drive it but if there was any signs of something going wrong it wouldn’t be worth it anymore. The mechanic said if that happened to take it to him, and he would take it off me. He also said that he would give me some money for it and sell me a new car at stock price rather than retail. He also said he would trust me to pay some of it off monthly without finance.
I drove it back to work and then home. Three quarters in I could smell something but assumed it was the factories nearby, they always smell. Then the car was showing oil pressure warning lights and the car was loosing power. I pulled up into a street near a port and I knew at that point it was done for. I called the mechanic and he said to just leave it and go home. He would collect me and the car tomorrow. I said it’s gone hasn’t it and he said he thinks so.
I had to walk to a nearby business in years and ask for some paper and a pen to write that it had broken down since it was parked on yellow lines and left a phone number. I then just locked it and walked away sobbing uncontrollably.
I had to get a bus, I didn’t want to. I met my sister. She knows car insurance stuff and we just talked. I have a new car in mind the garage showed me a couple. I can get it fairly quickly, but that car was everything to me.
It’s just another loss I have to cope with and they are one after the other. Buying that car was one of the last memories I have with my dad before he was ill. bringing him home from hospital in that car was the last time I ever went out. That car came with me through covid and was my escape.
I know it is silly to grieve a car, but that is the reality. I have lost so much lately, that little car was like my best friend. I didn’t want to let go when I got it repaired.
I just can’t keep taking things in my stride now. I am completely gone. It’s not about taking a holiday, I literally can’t afford it now. Without a car I have no job.
I just need all this to stop. I am making myself ill.
Oh Coolcar,
so sorry to hear about your car. Its very hard when life keeps throwing cr*p at us. Sending (((hugs))) and cyber support.
Thanks. I mean even when I told the people at work they just said to me “I am so sorry” it’s like that car was a person. It’s own little character. I even have a little Pixar cars diecast toy that was the spitting image of my car and was the same colour. That little toy will be all I have of it. It was always a stupid colour that car, but I suppose it gave it its personality. It was a strong light blue, it dirtied quickly. Yet when I saw it again after days of being in the garage, it was the best thing ever. The colour gave it character. I suppose I got to drive it one last time.
I was so angry and upset earlier when I spoke to my sister. I was annoyed because I just thought tomorrow we are told we are meant to be celebrating the coronation. The coronation of a rich man whilst the country is in dire straits. The fact that we have an election date before a coronation is just how cr*p this country seems to be right now. I will not be celebrating, instead I will spend the day worrying.
I am going to be picked up and taken to the garage tomorrow, the car will also be recovered. I have seen another car, and I think I will go for that one. Hopefully I will sign for it tomorrow.
I feel really battered and bruised both physically and mentally. I still haven’t recovered from my injuries when falling.
Even my sister said to me earlier that I just needed a break and honestly I do. I just want everything to stop hurting.
You are in my prayers. My mom’s car failed us in the first week back in November. After a lot of professional assessment at a local garage we are much closer to answers. Hang in there. It takes a bit of time in addition to get the information and answers. Hugs. Please keep a diary of your feelings. Also talk to your family doctor to get a referral to therapy pronto. Good luck.
I have therapy. I have an appointment on Monday. It sounds silly but I was Googling those little car things. I found one that’s like the new car I have seen. Strangely enough the car in the film is a reporter.
I’ve also googled the exact specs. The car is very similar to the one I had. Similar year, slightly better fuel economy.
It’s just that I have had enough of it all. I will be looking to sell things in the next month to help with costs too.
I’m just scared, battered, bruised.
If you are selling things this is my advice. Make brief summary notes in order to have for each item in question that is sold. Best wishes. You are in my prayers. Consider all your options like charity shops and auctions as well. Try to find the method that ultimately works for you the most of all here. For example you can try selling items like books and games at the local charity shops. Have a loose idea of what the price of the item will be in addition. Also be prepared to sell things at the local charity shops and at any car boot sales on top of that.
You can even try your luck at farm markets and farm shops in case they will say yes. You can alternatively see if the local schools are willing to take on your old items. It is worth a shot in any case. Don’t be shy. Go for it in other words and see what happens as a result.
Yeah I am abit of a collector, or I used to be. I have a few old Lego sets that I can sell off. I also have a couple of games consoles that don’t get used at all. I have a ds which I tried to sell until someone told me it was rare. I decided not to sell it in the end, but I have a Wii, an Xbox 360 and a Wii u that I don’t use, so they can be sold and can easily get a couple of hundred for the whole lot. Aside from that I need to downsize anyway.
I have a few things listed on Facebook marketplace but no luck yet. I’ve had a enquires but people ask them ignore you.
Just to make it worse I got a message from my mum earlier to say she had gone to the pub. I told her don’t get into any bother because I can’t cope with it right now. Right now I am grieving, yes it may be a car, but I’ve lost my little blue friend. I know my mum thinks she can be the only one grieving.
Later on I got a message, she got drunk and then told me it’s because I miss your dad. I could gave shouted at her. It’s like she decided that she had to have the attention. I’m grieving too, but no it had to be about her. This is how selfish she is
Just an update. The car was recovered this morning. I left my number on it last night because I was worried since it was near a bunch of lorries and in case a parking attendant came by. A guy called me earlier whinging about its location, and I wanted to say no one is more upset than I am. He was fine when I said it would be moved in the next hour or so.
Even when the mechanic tried to get it on the recovery truck, the engine did not sound good. Unfortunately the car will now be written off for scrap next week once I get the new car. I will miss him. He made his final journey on the back of a recovery truck, all the more poignant that he did it on the roads that I drive to and from work and love.
The garage has given me a great deal on a new car. £2000 which includes a new MOT and a service. The mechanic also sold it at stock price not retail. A colleague told me that she knows people who have the same car and they love it. It’s a Honda which is supposed to be good. I have a courtesy car till I get it on Tuesday
Sorry to hear about the car, which means more to you than any old car. Good though that you won’t be without wheels, which would cause you even more problems. Mechanic sounds decent.
I hope you enjoy driving this one too. Remember your Dad would want you to be safe and driving a reliable car. Hopefully driving will become your link to your Dad, rather than a specific car.