I retired because i had a stressful job. I needed a break. Big mistake. As soon as i retired i was expected to care for my step father, mum, step mother and now dad. They have taken it in turn to ruin my life. As each one dies the next one takes it upon themselves to need more and more care to ruin my life. I may as well be dead. It is one thing after another with them. I dont even get time to go and spend an hour in a coffee shop just to get a cappuccino. If i could hire a hit man to bump them all off i would. How can i go on - i just want to die! All i am is a slave.
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Hi @Helen_22061234, welcome to the forum. We all have points like this. Go and see your doctor and explain to them the situation and really tell them. Get in touch with social services and have them to deal with it. You can also get in touch with the carers helpline and citizens advice for more help if social services doesnāt help. Take care.
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Yes, that was me a few years ago, all four parents living within 6 miles os us, plus brain damaged son. All entitled to highest disability benefit. Sadly, my husband died of a massive heart attack a year after his dad. You do NOT have to do ANY caring for anyone. Ever. They will tell you I need help with x, y and z, but you donāt have to do it! On the verge of a breakdown I had counselling, changed my life, but I wish we had been offered it years earlier. You have been totally taken for granted for too long. Arrange a 2 week holiday, because you are worn out and have every right to it.
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Others are saying what I want to say to you.
Contact your GP tomorrow morning. Tell them how you feel and say you need help and support.
Also ring the CarersUK helpline ( 0808 808 7777 - 9am-6pm) n the morning as they can help with more support and advice and put you in touch with local help services.
Donāt think you have to cope on your own. This forum is a great place for support when you feel down. Youāve been overloaded for some time and have every right to be in a bad place, but just posting here shows you have the ability to recognise when enough is enough and to start the journey of getting some extra help FOR YOU.
Please donāt despair. If you feel you have nowhere to turn, call Samaritans - 116 123 - itās FREE. They are available 24/7 and never judge anyone.
Please keep in touch.
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@Helen_22061234 Welcome from me too.
Agree with the other posters . You are at breaking point. Please get an emergency appointment with your GP and tell them how you feel. Contact the Carers helpline too. Also do you have a local āSupport for Carersā in your area? If so, they should be aware of more local support.
Please let us know how you get on. Many if not most of us here can relate to how you feel.
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Hello Helen
It sounds like this has been a really tough time for you. In addition to the helpful suggestions from other members, Iāve also sent you an email with some further suggested support.
Wishing you well
Michael
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Thank you for all the support. My sister is now back from holiday (she shares the caring) so i had a day off today and spent it at the allotment. That helped me to feel better and i caught up with many of the planting jobs i had been getting behind with. Dad broke his hip a month ago and has been in hospital which you would have thought would have made it easier but along with the visiting i also had to sort out all the furniture so he could have a hospital bed delivered and with him living a forty mile trip away from me the travelling all adds up. The final straw came yesterday when they sent him home from hospital. I spent the morning getting him settled in but had to get home so left just before the carers organised by the hospital turned up. I had only been home an hour when the carers rang me to say that dad couldnt stand up so they wouldnt be able to support him. They told me the hospital wouldnt take him back so they were ringing 111 to try to get him back into hospital but wanted me to drive all the way back to his flat to sit with him until something was sorted. That just tipped me over the edge although i did have the sense to refuse to go. I then rang the hospital who sent him home and insisted that they shouldnāt have sent him home as the carers said he couldnāt stand up. They were adamant they wouldnt take him back until i said i would be making a formal complaint and then they said they would take him back so that is where he is now. I am going to take a holiday for a week and hopefully will get back to normal.
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Well done for standing your ground. Have a good break - you really need it!
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Complain to the hospital CEO about an unsafe discharge and then the refusal to take him back. Make it clear that there must be no repeat! They need to ensure that there is a clear agreed Care Plan which does not rely on you and your sister, to provide ANY care, shared with you in Writing prior to discharge. Explain where you live and that you work full time. There will always be job the carers say isnāt up to them. If dad has 3 visits a day to get up and breakfast, lunch, and evening meal/bed, it gives you your lives back again. This worked well for my housebound mum and me. The first 6 weeks should be free.
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Well done for standing your ground! Thatās such a hard thing to do when itās someone you love at the centre of things. Just make sure you DO follow up on your formal complaint, so they know you were not bluffing - it also stops things like this happening to others (or to Dad again!)
i hope you have a good break and enjoy some ādown-timeā as you deserve it.
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Thank you for the replies. When our step father went into hospital my sisters and i wrote a letter to the hospital saying that we would not provide any care for him if he was discharged. He had run us ragged for 3 years prior to this and we had had enough. So stating our position this time does seem a good idea. Reading the posts on this forum my eyes have been opened to the pain so many people are going through in their caring role. I dont think most people have any idea of what is coming for them. What is worse is that the organisations that should be helping them (NHS, social care) just make thi gs even worse.
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@Helen_22061234 I have a couple of friends who are sleep walking into caring and I am literally begging them NOT to go down that route. Both caring women. One my hairdresser is sleepingwalking into caring for her elderly PIL - her husband is an only child and although they could afford help in the house and taxis to hospital appointments they wont do this. Another has health issues and is doing more and more for her elderly father. I honestly think that in these cases their compassion is being exploited by the system. No easy answers but yes, I have suggested both join the Forum and read the postsā¦
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Oh no I know how you feel .My husband has MS and dementia my mother had dementia and blamed me for everything before she passed. You have more to deal with ,completely unbearable. My GP prescribed anti depressants these help me cope . Not a situation we would wish for , to have take these tablets in order to survive but thatās exactly what they do . Not for everyone . My greatest wish is to wean myself off them when the situation changesā¦ but for now they help xxxxx
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I have got away on holiday but what my sister is having to put up with is unbelievable. This is what she just told meā¦
Thereās too much but basically Iām getting phone calls morning noon and night (Iāve ignored 2 this morning), the carers do bugger all and even refuse to pass his medication to him from his bag, he fell from his chair on Fri and they say they canāt help lift him up so I had to call an ambulance who came 4 hours later and got him up straight away, mediquip took his specially ordered commode seat back by mistake on Fri and I had to pick a temporary replacement up. He canāt get up from it and got stuck yesterday when I was there, carers wheeled him in to me, told me he was stuck and suggested an ambulance. I felt so sorry for him so had to try to get him off on my own, eventually managed it-I couldnāt leave him on it for hours waiting for an ambulance. Heād done a number 2 so had all that smell in my face. Thereās plenty more of it but whatever poo youāre facing be pleased it isnāt dads!!!
Can anyone give us some advice please. This cannot be allowed to happen.
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@Helen_22061234 what a nightmare.
The care workers sound terrible. His care plan needs updating to include these things eg assisting with his medication, moving and handling from commode to chair/bed etc The only thing they wonāt be able to do is lift him up off the floor if he falls - that will be an ambulance job.
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Helen, what do you and your sister want to happen now?
I canāt remember if he lives alone or with one of you?
Who employed the carers?
My sister is on it. She is much better at things than me - i just get angry and depressed about everything whereas she just gets on with it. So she is getting him reassessed. Ironically he has a flat in an expensive assisted living facility but there isnt much assisting done - it all has to be separately paid for. The carers he has at the moment were employed by the hospital so that he could be discharged. I cant speak for my sister but i want the responsibility for his care to be taken away from me. I am happy to do his life admin and make a short visit once a week but i do not expect to give up my life to care for him. I know many people do but i want a chance to enjoy life while i still can and i cant when he is not getting the care he needs.
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@Helen_22061234 He may need more care than can be realistically provided by Carers in his own home? I guess after the 6 weeks āfreeā care he will be self funding? It may be worth looking into various Care Agencies that could provide more support but it will be expensive and may not be safe for him. Is it worth you and your sister discussing residential care? Again expensive but it would give him the 24/7 care he needs. I do realise that this will take time to organise as the good homes may well have waiting lists.
It is good that he is being reassessed. I totally agree that you have EVERY right to a life of your own.
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Thank you. The problem is he wont be self funding. When he and my mum divorced over 40 years ago she got the house. As she is in a care home with dementia that is being used to self fund her care via a deferred payment scheme with a bill that is increasing at an alarming rate. My dad has no claim on those funds and his own savings are below the level where he has to self fund. So he is at the whim of the council who will do their utmost to keep him at home as it is cheaper for them. But i think moving to a care home would break his spirit and he would never recover so i dont really want to see that happen either. So I donāt really know what the solution is yet. I am beginning to see that i just need to accept how things are and give up on what i want. But i do find that hard.
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@Helen_22061234 you shouldnāt have to give up on what you want, which is to visit him weekly and do his admin whilst paid carers do the day to day caring.
Your Dad will have paid his National insurance and taxes and is entitled to state funded care (as are those who cannot work due to disability or illness.
As your dad would prefer to stay in his own home for now, your sister is doing the right thing by getting him reassessed so that his package better matches his care needs. Itās important the social workers know you arenāt going to be providing daily care.
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