It now feels like a death sentance

Hi, I dont know what to do anymore. I just received a call from social services about the assisted living for my mum. They want to do a review based on her behaviour, including the time she was on bail thanks to
her abusive ex. They now think assisted living will not be right for her. They want to do another review but there is a high chance she will be taken off and they really have to fight for her.

If this happens its a death sentence for me, and I don’t want to do this anymore. I know I will be forever alone, and I will never have a loving partner nor any children now. I cant do this.

I dont know what to do. Its secured my place as a carer for the rest of my life.

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Hey @Coolcar98 that is not right as your mum should have a place even it promised. Let them have a review and hear what they say but also argue the point not just about your self but also your sister and really put the point home to them. Have a advocate or a lawyer with you but also letters from your boss, GP any one else that can fight not just your corner but also your sister as well. We all go through that point of feeling as a carer it a death sentence but it does past, you just got to try and fight, there is always someone there for everyone.


Aw take care :people_hugging:sounds really tough. I’m only on here tonight to make a post myself because just needed to talk to someone.

I understand the feeling of fearing being forever alone, no partner, children, and of ending up being a carer for your whole life. I’ve been trying to dig my way out of that situation too, and it can feel so hard. I really wish you all the best in getting something more suitable sorted for the caring, and that you get to have your own wonderful life with a partner, children, friends and happiness. You deserve it :bouquet:

Sorry can’t give you any practical advice. My heads too wrecked tonight. Im sure others more knowledge will be along to help


@Coolcar98 Sending hugs . Your mother is an adult and you really must disengage. No one can make you care and you have every right to your own life. I know you are a caring person but you really need to walk away at least temporarily. Yes tell SS that they have a ‘duty of care’ and also write to your mother’s Gp? I guess you have tried getting help from MIND or SANE?

It really is a joke, although she hasn’t officially being taken off the list, we’re kind of expecting it not to be good news now.

We’re going to have to look at other options. However my area is known for really bad housing problems so they really have done us over there.

I just can’t believe that they have done this. It’s almost like they have weaponised mums behaviour and disabilities to emphasise why she should not have it. When in reality this accommodation is supposed to help these problems.

They mentioned my mums mental health disabilities and said because she has a tendency to have these episodes she’s potentially a danger to other people in the facility. Danger is such a strong word.

They also said it’s because she has an abusive ex whom she hasn’t spoke to in nearly a year. Again they think she’s a potential danger because of an ex partner she wasn’t even with for that long. It wasn’t even her fault.

I pleaded so much to these people, yet they don’t even care. I cried to this woman on the phone not to do it. They’ve been acting very wierd and I think that they are up to something, it’s like everything gets twisted around. I’m made to feel like I’m a bad person who is on the wrong side of the tracks, yet I’m not.

I’m just a journo for a small independent paper, and I care for my mum a lot of the time. I’ve never been in trouble with the police, highly educated. I’m not the bad person they seem to make me out. I’m not showing off in anyway, just that I hate to be made an idiot of whilst people act like I’m nothing.

I think if they do this they have to really step up their game and provide proper care.

I’ve had to put in an urgent request to see my doctor, on Thursday I realised that I just wasn’t right. I’ve also asked to speak to the carers service.

I feel like they have taken my whole life from me.

I would suggest that you make a Subject Access Request to this organisation.
Actually two, one for you, and one for mum, signed by mum.
Find out what they have said about you behind your back.
They won’t be expecting this, I’m sure.

I will try this thank you.

They really have made things worse. It was the conflicting advice that made me think something was wrong especially when I called someone else, the woman at reception was lovely she told me that she would get them to ring me.

However, I soon got a call back and the woman said there was an email sent which said “if R rings again send her to the adult social care team.” It’s such a strange thing to say, which made me believe something was wrong. I feel like I’m being treat like a nuisance when I go long periods without even contacting them. I was just trying to find out information.

This also includes the woman who told me everything was my responsibility, makes me believe something was wrong.

What do you reccomend is done with the info afterwards.

Hey coolcar98, from reading that last message it seems like social services are trying to make out there something wrong but are to afraid to speak to you. I would question about that comment and tell them do they like to toy with people’s emotions especially when this is a sentive case. Especially if they say there is nothing wrong or worry about.

@Michael_1910123 Definitely, I was promised a call back but it never came. I get they are ‘busy’ but they could have at least said something themselves.

I did get a call back from someone else, and they were bringing up stuff from ages ago as to why it would be so dangerous for mum to be in the accommodation.

They mentioned when she was on bail.

  1. She was the victim of DV, and when she tried to break the relationship because she knew something was wrong the male pushed her fracturing her arm. She had prolonged problems with her arm and needed physio. It was this that prompted care coming in and getting her on the waiting list.
    The male made serious counter allegations because the allegations were so bad the police had to put mum on bail. The problem was the officer went off sick prolonging the bail for three months. At the end she was told there was no evidence whatsoever to support the allegation and that she couldn’t have committed the offence with a fractured arm. (It was supposed to have happened after her arm was fractured).

The woman I spoke to the other day said she remembers assessing mum when she had a sling on, proving they knew about it over a year ago.

This is one of the reasons prompting the review. They claim the male is clearly dangerous and therefore is a harm to other residents.
She hasn’t spoken to him since that day.

  1. They claim because some people used her to take over her house and use it for a place of drugs. It was a friend she let stay for a couple of days because they were between houses. Instead they wouldn’t leave. Apparently my mum let it happen and let them in, so again she could be a danger to other residents. Apparently she willingly let them in. The police helped her to get alarms on her doors and windows stopping it from happening again.

Whilst they have a right to say it’s dangerous to other residents, it’s hardly like she’s going to sneak drugs and dangerous people into the facility. The only thing she is guilty of is being an idiot.

She has now set up

Hey @Coolcar98, it is wrong to use someone past against them when it not been their fault totally and it proves the point that if your mum had the right support then it would be different.
I have people used mine and mum past against us when I asked them for help but I turned the tables on them at one meeting and ask the person chairing the meeting did he know about certain and thing, was told no. Then I said that funny I was informed that they were telling you but also hao bad things had gone wrong.
This thing saying that they are busy all the time is wrong as they can make the time to cause trouble for us but never willing to answer us straight away.

A agree. They also mentioned mums mental health problems being an issue. But again this is part of the problem, about demonising people with certain conditions.

If you google housing for people with mental health problems, it always comes up with people who are alcoholics or those who engaged with substance abuse. It never mentions a bereaved widower with a history of abuse as a child.

They are denying her based of things that shouldn’t matter. There’s a basic rule in my line of work, it’s a bit more complex but the idea is “innocent until proven guilty.” Even then only the courts can decide who is guilty, even the police don’t have that power. So the fact that the CPS declared mums case to have no evidence whatsoever other than word of mouth (but it’s unreliable), then she is effectively 100 percent innocent and it should be end of. The fact that mums bail was extended related to a police officer was off sick and they have to investigate. It came out in the end that there was nothing to go off. Instead it actually became evidence of the other way around.

I can only report on fact, and well considering there has been no fact for nearly a year now proves there is nothing and therefore they should not discuss it. If she had been charged fair play, but there’s nothing to prove she did it.

The woman said to me “the fact she was placed on bail suggests there was enough evidence.” That is not strictly true, it’s based on reasonable grounds to believe it happened. The guy in question faked injury to imply it happened, he also reported it the day that he himself cane off bail for fracturing mums arm almost three weeks later. It was retaliation and the police knew it, but bail just means that someone is under suspicion it doesn’t mean they did it.

The bail ended in mid April last year almost a year ago, there have been no incidents with the male since. A non-molestation order was served on both parties (an effective just stay away from each other). There have been no real incidents since it was served. It ended in November last year. Nothing since,

I understand that there are residents in the facility who are vulnerable, but if anything that makes them liable to all this too. The fact that it is an open and go place means anyone of the residents could meet someone on the street and then bring them in for whatever reason. It’s then a duty of care for the staff to be aware of what’s going on.

But then I would argue my mum is absolutely brilliant with disabled people and if she didn’t have the problems she had she would be a real asset. I’ve seen her engage with disabled people and children and she just gets them more than she does everyone else. She grew up with my aunt who is severely disabled, so she knows it all.

She’s got about 57 years of first hand experience.

But the fact that she has now installed alarms is a good thing. Even the woman agreed it was. She said she would fight for us, but I do not believe it really. She is the one who’s initiated the review, no one else has to go through it.

I now just feel incredibly numb and defeated. It is so hard, and people have put me through so much. At the top of another thread I posted the letter I wrote to them, about how I was struggling. They have effectively ignored it.

I now have to contact loads of other places and start again, and I just feel like I don’t have the energy to do it. So much for a duty of care.

I’ve had the week from hell, and I just feel like I need to recover but I can’t, they won’t let me.
On Thursday, it all peaked.

It sounds silly but I had a stressful time at work, I haven’t managed to keep a meal down since then, I’ve also barely slept. (I’m taking herbal medicine at the moment to help, until I see the doctor on Tuesday). I was already feeling pretty crap and just wanted to go home then, however the door handle broke stopping us from locking the door to our building. It was sorted quickly but I still had to wait behind because I was the key holder at that point.

When I did get to leave I was driving along, I had right of way ( but the road is notorious for people thinking two cars can get down it when they can’t) when a car came speeding past me and took half my drivers side wing mirror off. The important bits are intact, but it’s just another thing to deal with. I drove home that night having just taped what I could back together, and I just felt so done.

I have never felt anything like it. It was like the fire had just burnt out inside. I thought I would never be happy again, and that I didn’t know what the next steps were. Usually in the past where my car had broken I have panicked or something, this time I could not care less.

Tonight I managed to eat more than a piece of toast, it’s the first meal I’ve had in days if you call it that. Just chicken nuggets and a bit of maccaroni cheese (I normally eat way better than this, I know it’s bad), I was just trying to get something down me. Now, I just feel sick, and even more anxious.

EDIT: Thought I could handle a small bowl of food, an hour later ended up throwing up again. I’m just so done with feeling like this.

I can’t even take my normal medication anymore for another condition because I have to take it with food, but I can’t keep anything down so I have been going without.

I just want this to stop. I just can’t do any of this anymore. I hate feeling weak because I haven’t eaten, but when I do I get like this.

I just want someone to take the role of carer off me.