I hate feeling like this. (OCD)

Carers' health and wellbeing
1

So after some time away, I’m coming back feeling absolute awful. As I have mentioned in previous posts I have been diagnosed with OCD, and it’s making my caring role so much harder, to a point where I do not want to do this anymore nor do I feel like I can.

I think the trauma and my mums behaviour over the past couple of years has either started it or made it worse as it all seems to make sense now. Sorry trauma is abit of a harsh word.

As I explained I feel so awful about it all,

I have something known as the responsibility version of ocd (sound familiar), it means that I can’t really control compulsions relating to responsibility. Even something as simple as signing a form can send me into absolute panic, I reread about 50 times and the second I look away my mind goes “oh you’ve forgotten, if you don’t do it properly something bad will happen.” I have to check over and over again until it feels right even then it can come back randomly. Then I believe something bad will happen because of my negligence.

Sometimes whilst driving if I have hit a bump I feel awful like I have to check. About a month ago I was driving and I saw a police officer stood at a level crossing writing some info down. I literally had to go and ask him if I had done anything wrong. He just said “were you driving a …. Because they made this slight error” I said no. I explained my reasoning and he was fine.

Had I not asked it would have got to me and got to me over and over again and I would have dreaded an envelope arriving on my doorstep.

It’s like the worrying is worse than the actual event, going back to the bump thing, a couple of weeks ago I was driving to work and a daredevil little pheasant misjudged his timings when running across the road and I hit him with the car. I felt pretty bad that I had hurt an animal, I still do. However I feel different about that incident, I’m not worried, I am sad and annoyed at myself, but not in an overly compulsive way. I know it was not my fault. So when I know something is okay i am able to process things easier than when I think it’s going to happen.

Again another compulsion relates to my car. I can never convince myself I have locked it properly, so I have to check about three times a night and still breathe a sigh of relief when it’s okay in the morning.

I look after a lot of mums needs just imagine the extent of how bad it gets. The thought of a house inspection has just sent me into meltdown. I haven’t been able to control the compulsions at all, tonight I went to my mums house and on one hand everything was fine. On the other every little spec was sending me into absolute meltdown. Tonight now I’m in bed I just cannot control the worrying at all and I can’t function whatsoever. I have been like this for days, it makes me feel awful like I aren’t accomplishing anything.

I’m throwing up alot so I can’t take my meds because they won’t stay down. Between all my conditions I am taking 22 different tablets a day. (Main meds and a couple of vitamins) how is this normal? A year ago I did not need these many to get through the day.

Tonight has been like the last four nights. In the day I have been able to do to work somewhat irritated, and then I have been looking forward to going home and watching the traitors or something only to be crippled by absolute panic and nausea.

I just want mum to be offered a place in assisted living so it is easier for everyone. I am tired of fighting and I don’t know what to do to help anymore. I feel like no one is listening.

2

Hi CC

I don’t have direct experience of OCD, other than Graham accusing me of it when I make Lists of things which need to be done (easy for him as HE doesn’t do any of them!)

Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel with Caring and what it is doing to you? Hopefully, they have you recorded as a Carer and should be offering some or at least be able to offer some support TO YOU. It’s a common trait that we Carers don’t ask for help soon enough or often enough until we’ve hit a brick wall and got close to burning out. I am not always certain what help I need or where to get it, but realising you do need support (not “help” as that has too many other connotations) is a great first step. Our GP now has a Care Co-ordinator who has phoned me a couple of times and spent time talking through what they can do for me and what other options/help might be available.

I find it difficult to quantify what help would be right for Graham. He said the other evening that he feels safe when I am at home but starts to get panicky if I am out somewhere in case something happens to him. I don’t know if I have made a mistake by being around too much so he has become too dependent on me and whether I should have already cut a few ties so I can get a life.

Again I can empathise with the feeling of not ‘getting anything done’. That’s why I end up making a List!! I get satisfaction from crossing things off that list. It also helps me focus by grouping similar jobs so I am not bobbing back and forth.

My initial comment would be to approach the GP surgery and explain how you feel and ask what they might be able to do, to prevent you falling ill - which would be an extra burden for them. A GP worth his/her salt would be open to preventative measures to keep you well. My GP jokes that his job with me is “to keep you well, so you can continue caring for Graham”… Not an ideal approach but it achieves a goal! IF it comes to it - be blunt with the GP and say ‘I cannot continue like this and Mum needs professional care, which is something I cannot provide’. You cannot be forced into caring for Mum - it all comes down to ‘emotional blackmail’ as “they” know we are unlikely to simply walk away from a loved one and leave them to flounder til someone reacts in an emergency situation.

Keep sharing on here as others will have other insights which may be helpful to you.

3

It’s a hard one. Tonight/this morning my compulsions are very bad. Mum has her house inspection tomorrow and I’m terrified she is going to get an eviction notice somewhere down the line. I have told the letting agents about her problems and the fact that she has carers (which are useless).

I’m terrified because I will be the one to deal with it all if she does get evicted, and the one to lay money down. She spends all her money. Honestly if the council just did what they need to and get her a place in assisted accomodation then all this may just stop. But no.

I have now been up all night, I stopped throwing up a while ago, but the extreme anxiety is still here. It’s going around my head doing circle after circle. I literally can’t focus on anything,

My GP’s are also pretty useless, I’m currently waiting to have a lump under my thigh assessed. To be fair they did call me as soon as I put a request in and decided that it wasn’t urgent, I hope they are right.