Feeling depressed after incident at work

All about caring
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Hi all, it’s me again.

I’ve been away for abit. Mums now in a bungalow.

For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling very depressed, I finally confided in a friend about it all, and my role as a carer. He said he would help me.

I’m also undergoing waiting to be assessed for autism after a few health professionals suggested I could be.

This last week I ended up having a really poor performance at work thanks to mental health, and just generally suffering. I seem to be arguing with family a lot over their constant needs for me, and I just cannot do it all anymore.

My appearance was off, and I couldn’t do my work. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack on Thursday and went home after. I had a meeting on Friday with my boss, and now I have to have a formal capability hearing on Thursday. I am scared because I will have to go alone. I’ve never had any disciplinaries in this job in four years.

I’ve now spent the weekend extremely depressed, and extremely scared for the future really. Fears over loosing my job.

I just need support and yet no one wants to provide it. Mums supposed to be getting help from a care coordinator at mh but she’s still waiting for one, and has been for ages. I’ve been in touch with the carers association, although they say they can’t do anymore to help. Though they don’t know about this incident yet. Social services aren’t really interested either.

I’m now extremely scared about this formalised procedure and worry if I can do this going forward. I absolutely love my job, and don’t want to loose it.

My anxiety is through the roof right now, and although I’m trying to get support it’s not the best. Everyone still expects me to be my dad. I’m not him. I haven’t been able to eat much since a few days ago; a cheese pastry, 4 nuggets and a cheese burger is now all I have eaten since Thursday. I can barely sleep. My legs feel like jelly, and I barely want to move.

Yesterday me mum and my sister went out to a shopping centre though I didn’t want to go. I came home after a few hours. Now mum wants me to take her out on a Sunday drive today, and I just don’t want to.

I just want to get my s together, walk into work having cleaned my car, having bought new clothes with a new outlook and say “right’ let’s go forwards.” This could make an impression that really helps me. But no it always has to be about mum. Even then all she wants to talk about is who said what in the pub.

If I loose my job, I’m screwed, but I can’t keep up with mums needs.

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hey @Coolcar98 ,it good to hear from you. glad your mum got somewhere to live. The only thing I can suggest is that you tell the SS or her SW that you can;t keep looking after your mum as it landed you in trouble at work. You do have carers right for work, so you can play that card. you should have the right to have someone with you at the meeting so no one can bully you.

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Your mum has drained the life from you.
We know from your posts that it’s been a terrible time for you over the last year or two.
I honestly believe that the only way you will ever have a happy life is to escape from mum’s endless demands.
In the meantime, talk to ACAS about your rights concerning the meeting.
Do you need the doctor to sign you off sick?

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@Coolcar98……welcome back to the forum. Sorry to hear you’re depressed. Take someone into the hearing at work with you, you’re entitled to have someone else there.

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It’s good that you talked to a friend about it. For the work situation, can you take someone with you to the hearing for support? It might help with the anxiety. I’d also suggest talking to a professional about the stress and anxiety, you deserve support for all the pressure you’re under. You’re doing a lot, and it’s okay to not do it all. Try to take small steps to look after yourself, even if it’s just eating something or resting when you can.

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I can continue to work, I’m going to take some time off in a couple of weeks though. I’m going to contact a doctor as soon as it opens.

Yesterday I did something incredibly stupid in the hopes that it would at least help something. I signed up to do a firewalk for a charity for work. I never cancelled it. I didn’t want to be seen as cancelling stuff and unable to do my job, so I just did it anyway. All I really wanted to do was be at home. I think I only managed it because my legs feel like absolutely jelly right now, and have for days.

I’m having to keep ringing the mental health place near me for support. It’s just so hard.

I fear in a couple of months I will loose my job, and then I won’t be able to pay the rent or have anywhere to go.

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Talk to ACAS today. They are the experts in Emp loyment Law.

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I contacted social services about this, and I have received nothing back whatsoever. It feels like no one cares. No acknowledgement of anything either. No interest from them about my potential autism which could be why I find caring so difficult, and mums needs too hard to meet. It’s just a joke.

I’ve had the meeting. I never told mum about it. Not sure what the outcome really was. I haven’t come away with any warnings at all. Just a formal meeting by the idea of things.

I’m just feeling like everything is going wrong for me at the moment. I’ve spoken to doctors twice now but I am getting nowhere at all.
Just feeling very dismissed.

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Hello again, Coolcar. How did the hearing at work go? Did you have someone to accompany you? You boss or other member of management should have told you that this is your right. There should have been a definite outcome, usually in the form of an action plan to measure your performance, followed by a review planned at a set date ahead. Are you a member of a trade union? If not, find out your local union representative and join. Your union rep. is the best person to accompany you during a performance review.

Depression can occur spontaneously, not necessarily because circumstances are bad. It sounds as though your mother is now in the best place for a long time. You depression could be a reaction to the reduction in your responsibility to care for her. This phase could pass but keep in touch with the doctor.

You say you think that you may be autistic. This is not necessarly a bad thing. Autism is a state of mental outlook, which can affect the way in which you engage with people. Some autistic people are very intelligent, methodical and successful. If your doctor thinks you should be assessed then go ahead. It could give indicators about how you should cope with life. I recommend that you do not mention autism to anyone other than your doctor and medical staff.

Please try to take a positive outlook and don’t assume that the future is just gloom and doom. You have achieved a lot to get your mother to a better place; things are getting better.

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Hi @Denis_1610,

The capability meeting went fine although I was not accompanied. I had support from a couple of friends who are very versed in employment law.

We discussed the concerns raised. However, I did not receive any performance plans or warnings. In fact I probably came off quite lightly. Not even sure if it was a light slap on the wrist. It

I have just got off the phone with a counsellor. I’m finding things very difficult at the moment and tending to over react to difficulties.

I am starting to question who I should tell about going for an autism now. Think the whole debarcle could have been avoided if I didn’t say anything at all. It’s very scary to see how the world responds to people who are autistic as if it is a bad word, or another label. A couple of friends know, but that’s it.

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I could not have worded this better myself, Coolcar. Yes, too many people see words like this, describing conditions they do not understand, as a reason to label people and target them with disapproval. You are who you are, and are entitled to be yourself. Get yourself assessed by all means, but I suggest keep it to yourself.

It sounds as though the hearing at work was conducted at an informal level, and it is good that you have friends familiar with employment law. A proper review for poor performance would need an initial meeting and a follow-up plan with a date set for a further review. You have not even started on that procedure yet. There is no need to worry about your job just yet. In fact I think that you worry too much, and I don’t mean that unkindly. Your counsellor can help with this. Keep in touch, but it sounds as though you are doing fine.

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@Coolcar98 you may find this book helpful;

The Subtle Spectrum: An Honest Account of Autistic Discovery, Relationships and Identity by Joanna Grace

She is a successful person, who has had her struggles, had a late diagnosis, recently studied for a Masters and recognises autistic strengths and struggles.

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It’s all so hard. I just feel like no one cares at all. It all explains why I struggle with stuff all the time and experience periods of intense burnout.

However, any attempts to get any support with my carer role are none existent. I’ve had no replies from social services whatsoever, not even an acknowledgment.

I’m signed up with carers services who also aren’t great. They don’t provide much support whatsoever, and keep telling me to speak to my GP. I can only have so many medication reviews which seems to be the only advice I am given.

It’s procedure that carers should be supported in the right to work, but there is no support whatsoever. There is also no support for disabled carers.

I’ve been in touch with a couple of neurodiversity groups in the area, one I know through one.

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Thank you, I will have a read of this.

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