I am being bullied at a care home

[Undermyduvet]

It is probably quite rare for non carers to post on here but I am at rock bottom and don’t know of any other forums
I am in a care home in the young persons section and have been bullied by another resident for some months.I don’t like using the word"bullying"as it is such a strong word and so widely used but I think it is the only word that fits.This resident is my neighbour and is verbally abusive day and night and will do everything in her power to keep me awake when am trying to sleep.My body needs sleep because of my illness.My neighbour even threatened my mother one night with her stick and tried to break down my door.She is unbalanced and will still slam her stick on the ground when my mum and I are near her.It is quite intimidating.I have spoken to different people but management aren’t doing anything even after the incident with the threats.It doesn’t help that the manager has quite a close relationship with the other resident and they chat a lot.I have never encountered a situation before where a manager and a resident have chatted to that extent.We approached the safeguarding people but they haven’t been that supportive either and neither was the social worker who was assigned to me.CQC just said that they can’t take on individual cases.To complicate things I have been given a 28 day(verbal)notice by the home but as it is just verbal at the moment I am not focusing too much on it.It doesn’t make any sense because I was looking for my own accomodation anyway and they knew that.I think i’ve had the notice because we’ve had to complain about things in the past and because the home don’t want to deal with the bullying situation.You can imagine how I feel though…I have been waiting for months for the home to do something(the home has had a few changes of management along the way)and then they drop that bombshell.
I have an unusual illness so I am not going to be able to find other accomodaton quickly even on a temporary basis.Most people don’t understand the illness I have.I was wondering if anyone on here knows of anyone who has been bullied by another resident and if you have any advice for me?I strongly feel that the bullying should be dealt with before I move on from here.I am barely ringing my bell at the moment because my neighbour is so aggressive.She wants control.I don’t want to go to management again or put in a formal complaint as I have no faith in the people here.I just wish I knew who I could turn to.I wish I knew of somebody who would really fight my corner.

Please help.I have never felt more alone in my life.

[Melly1]

Hi Undermyduvet,

The problem with bullying is that if it isn’t dealt with, it just continues. If the management aren’t listening to your informal complaints, then a formal complaint really is your next step. If you feel uncomfortable making one, you could apply for an advocate. Has anyone else witnessed the bullying, in addition to your mum? If any other visitors have, they could complain on your behalf.

Melly1

[thara_1910]

It is probably quite rare for non carers to post on here but I am at rock bottom and don’t know of any other forums
I am in a care home in the young persons section and have been bullied by another resident for some months.I don’t like using the word"bullying"as it is such a strong word and so widely used but I think it is the only word that fits.This resident is my neighbour and is verbally abusive day and night and will do everything in her power to keep me awake when am trying to sleep.My body needs sleep because of my illness.My neighbour even threatened my mother one night with her stick and tried to break down my door.She is unbalanced and will still slam her stick on the ground when my mum and I are near her.It is quite intimidating.I have spoken to different people but management aren’t doing anything even after the incident with the threats.It doesn’t help that the manager has quite a close relationship with the other resident and they chat a lot.I have never encountered a situation before where a manager and a resident have chatted to that extent.We approached the safeguarding people but they haven’t been that supportive either and neither was the social worker who was assigned to me.CQC just said that they can’t take on individual cases.To complicate things I have been given a 28 day(verbal)notice by the home but as it is just verbal at the moment I am not focusing too much on it.It doesn’t make any sense because I was looking for my own accomodation anyway and they knew that.I think i’ve had the notice because we’ve had to complain about things in the past and because the home don’t want to deal with the bullying situation.You can imagine how I feel though…I have been waiting for months for the home to do something(the home has had a few changes of management along the way)and then they drop that bombshell.
I have an unusual illness so I am not going to be able to find other accomodaton quickly even on a temporary basis.Most people don’t understand the illness I have.I was wondering if anyone on here knows of anyone who has been bullied by another resident and if you have any advice for me?I strongly feel that the bullying should be dealt with before I move on from here.I am barely ringing my bell at the moment because my neighbour is so aggressive.She wants control.I don’t want to go to management again or put in a formal complaint as I have no faith in the people here.I just wish I knew who I could turn to.I wish I knew of somebody who would really fight my corner.

Please help.I have never felt more alone in my life.

Can you find a new care home? This is a online directory of care homes across all areas of Britain http://www.carehome.co.uk. What do your parents say? Are they able to help you or not? You do not need to suffer alone. Alternatively get in contact with the care quality commission and complain. Keep a diary of communication between you and the other resident. Use it as evidence.

Make sure to carefully vet the home.

[Undermyduvet]

Hi Undermyduvet,

The problem with bullying is that if it isn’t dealt with, it just continues. If the management aren’t listening to your informal complaints, then a formal complaint really is your next step. If you feel uncomfortable making one, you could apply for an advocate. Has anyone else witnessed the bullying, in addition to your mum? If any other visitors have, they could complain on your behalf.

Melly1

Thanks for your kind reply

We put in a formal complaint for another situation some time ago and it didn’t go too well.I think the area manager gets involved and the problem is they’re not neutral or at least the one we approached wasn’t.I see what you’re saying but I really don’t think the people here care what happens to me.

Are the Onbuds people helpful?the ones that are linked to the council?Maybe I could Email them but I don’t know what powers they have

It’s all so complex because their was meant to be a safeguarding meeting to decide the next step with the situation but because the home have given me notice things have changed.I think they have partly done it to take back control of things.It’s so messed up.

Another example of the homes strange method of dealing with things…Earlier on I asked the nurse to tell the carers not to check on me if I don’t ring the bell(my neighbour hears them and thinks i’m reporting her),so the nurse spoke to management and they have given me a form to sign for my careplan but not said a word about the situation or whether they’re going to help.It’s as if they think because I have this notice that it doesn’t matter and my feelings don’t matter.

[Melly1]

Hi, as far as I’m aware, the Ombudsman will only get involved if you make a formal complaint and feel it wasn’t dealt with properly.

It must be very unsettling to know you need to move and annoying you have to rush looking for somewhere new, however, hopefully the new home will be better than this one.

Once you have left, definitely put in the formal complaint and then you can contact the ombudsman about both complaints you made.

Bowlingbun, sometimes suggests requesting a subject access (?) to your file from the home to see what they have on file about you. However, reading it can be upsetting, so unless you think it would help your case, I wouldn’t do so.

Melly1

[Undermyduvet]

Has anyone here ever had experience of a relative being bullied either by a staff member or somebody else?

Hi, as far as I’m aware, the Ombudsman will only get involved if you make a formal complaint and feel it wasn’t dealt with properly.

It must be very unsettling to know you need to move and annoying you have to rush looking for somewhere new, however, hopefully the new home will be better than this one.

Once you have left, definitely put in the formal complaint and then you can contact the ombudsman about both complaints you made.

Bowlingbun, sometimes suggests requesting a subject access (?) to your file from the home to see what they have on file about you. However, reading it can be upsetting, so unless you think it would help your case, I wouldn’t do so.

Melly1

Yes,I think I read that the usual process is a formal complaint then going outside(and CQC said similar)but obviously my situation is unusual so I wondered if there’s ever exceptions

I need my own accomodation outside a home enviroment(that wasn’t working)and was already looking for somewhere but I need time to do that as there’s not much.Have been at this home quite a long time so obviously don’t want to be forced out.

Thara,in reply to your post I am looking for my own accomodaton because it would be better for my illness not another home but thanks.

[bowlingbun]

If you have a mobile phone that can record, then do so. This has provided useful evidence for a number of forum members, in various circumstances.

[Undermyduvet]

If you have a mobile phone that can record, then do so. This has provided useful evidence for a number of forum members, in various circumstances.

Most of the verbal abuse takes place in my room so not sure if that would work?It might not be loud enough to pick up

[bowlingbun]

There’s only one way you’ll find out, give it a go!

[Londonbound]

You can get those under cover cameras disguised as a teddy or a clock , is it worth trying to get one of those for video evidence?

[Honey_Badger]

.

[thara_1910]

I know this is slightly off the beaten track, but I have to ask,

You are a younger person who health issues aside appears to have capacity for decision making, certainly when it comes to your preferred place of care (which given your choice, would be home, not in residential)

Did you or your mother actually have a choice in any of this? Did you choose to live in the care home or were you simply told you were going to live there? Because if the latter, it sounds like somebody on behalf of the council/social services or whoever is responsible for funding your care has acted illegally…

Given we don’t have the complete picture but this situation does not sit well with me. I really dislike the apparent “close ranks” behaviour of social services/safeguarding/care home staff as well.

The situation does place you in a unique position to gather a true “inside” account of their wrong doings as suggested in other posts with surveillance/recordings but your safety must come first. It does not sound like a safe place to live which does not bode well given you are supposed to be able to trust the home with your life in times of crisis.

And yes I have encountered employees in an environment of care of whom were bullies, were being the operative word.

Best wishes

This. All of it.

[Undermyduvet]

In reply to comments about recording things.I don’t have a mobile phone right now(believe it or not)I could get a dictaphone I guess.Would a dictaphone work?

I know this is slightly off the beaten track, but I have to ask,

You are a younger person who health issues aside appears to have capacity for decision making, certainly when it comes to your preferred place of care (which given your choice, would be home, not in residential)

Did you or your mother actually have a choice in any of this? Did you choose to live in the care home or were you simply told you were going to live there? Because if the latter, it sounds like somebody on behalf of the council/social services or whoever is responsible for funding your care has acted illegally…

Given we don’t have the complete picture but this situation does not sit well with me. I really dislike the apparent “close ranks” behaviour of social services/safeguarding/care home staff as well.

The situation does place you in a unique position to gather a true “inside” account of their wrong doings as suggested in other posts with surveillance/recordings but your safety must come first. It does not sound like a safe place to live which does not bode well given you are supposed to be able to trust the home with your life in times of crisis.

And yes I have encountered employees in an environment of care of whom were bullies, were being the operative word.

Best wishes

What do you do for a living Honey badger?If you’d rather not say publically you can PM

I ended up in a care home because I used to be on a NG tube so needed extra care at the time.There’s not many homes suitable for young people so I came here.Now I am in a situation where I need my own space with carers coming into me.The place I am living is not a happy one as the staff don’t understand my llness.There’s some good people here don’t get me wrong but the enviroment isn’t good for me.Despite all this I need time to look for somewhere because I have certain needs and am in a situation where i’m being forced out.I don’t want to end up somewhere totally wrong for me.
Yesterday they gave me written notice so it all feels more real now.I tried to broach the subject of the situation with my neighbour but the manager was evasive.I can’t believe that after all these months the only action the home has taken is to leave me without a home.

If anyone reading this can help me or knows anybody who works in safeguarding or for social services then please either reply or contact me.It has got to the stage where I don’t trust anybody.I have a new socal worker visiting on thursday who the home contacted and I am wary because it was the home who aranged it.

[Honey_Badger]

.

[Denis_1610]

Good day, Undermyduvet. I have read through the posts and make the general observation that you are getting nowhere with your requests from help from various authorities.

Do you know what CQC ratings this home got on the last inspection? It sounds to me as though it is deficient on at least the safety and caring aspects, and it does not sound well-led either.

You can’t expect the CQC to send someone to the home on the strength of a single complaint. What you can do is enter your own experiences on its website. This could influence its decision when to re-inspect and what to look for.

Social services and ombudsmen can help with many matters but their powers are limited. What do you expect them to do? Come round and give the bully a telling off? In the highly unlikely event of them doing that it would just result in intensifying the bully’s actions. Complain to the home manager? It sounds as though this manager is incompetent, in which case a complaint will be as effective as flogging a dead horse.

Life can sometimes be terribly unfair and you are clearly going through a bad phase. We often need to fight our own battles I’m afraid. However I can suggest one person to “fight your corner”. More about that later.

There are two courses of action that we can consider.

1. Stand up to this bitch.

2. Leave.

Since you have been given notice, the decision has effectively been made for you. But let’s run through things anyway and consider what could or should have happened.

Option 1.
Usually I would say the best way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. Give as good as you get - maybe a little more. What bullies fear most is failure. When they realise they won’t win they back down.

The problem here though is that this bullying has been going on for a while. She is on a roll. To turn this situation round will need more than one remonstration. In view of your illness I do not think that repeated confrontation would be good for you. What your manager should have done is arrange to meet you and the bully round a table and have a counselling session where you could discuss and exchange your differences and problems in a cool manner and seek an agreement of mutual respect. Your manager is clearly too weak-kneed to do this and seems to side with the bully any way. So if you confront the bully you will be taking the two of them on. This is just too much stress, and considering that you have been given notice anyway is just not worth the hassle. So it’s down to . . .

Option 2.
Leave - and you have been given notice to do so anyway. I don’t know the manager’s real reasons for giving notice. There is a suggestion that he or she is taking the easiest course to eliminate a problem. This is unfair, I know. But you need to concentrate not on what is fair but on your own welfare. You are clearly in a bad situation in that home and things are not going to get better. You need to get out, for your own sake.

It may take a while to find personal accommodation that best suits your needs, so you should consider another care home, if only as a stopgap, to let you look around from a kinder environment. Don’t assume you will be in a similar situation in another care home; that is unlikely.

And this is where “fighting your corner” comes in. I presume you have your own doctor, though you have made no mention. He or she is probably well able to advise what type of caring is best for you, and support you case in applying to another care home.

Don’t see this as running away from an unsatisfactory and unfair problem. Do see it as taking control of your life to better your circumstances.

And if you really wish for “justice to be done” at your present care home after you have left, send in that report to CQC. It will benefit the people remaining there after you.

[Undermyduvet]

Good day, Undermyduvet. I have read through the posts and make the general observation that you are getting nowhere with your requests from help from various authorities.

Do you know what CQC ratings this home got on the last inspection? It sounds to me as though it is deficient on at least the safety and caring aspects, and it does not sound well-led either.

You can’t expect the CQC to send someone to the home on the strength of a single complaint. What you can do is enter your own experiences on its website. This could influence its decision when to re-inspect and what to look for.

Social services and ombudsmen can help with many matters but their powers are limited. What do you expect them to do? Come round and give the bully a telling off? In the highly unlikely event of them doing that it would just result in intensifying the bully’s actions. Complain to the home manager? It sounds as though this manager is incompetent, in which case a complaint will be as effective as flogging a dead horse.

Life can sometimes be terribly unfair and you are clearly going through a bad phase. We often need to fight our own battles I’m afraid. However I can suggest one person to “fight your corner”. More about that later.

There are two courses of action that we can consider.

1. Stand up to this bitch.

2. Leave.

Since you have been given notice, the decision has effectively been made for you. But let’s run through things anyway and consider what could or should have happened.

Option 1.
Usually I would say the best way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. Give as good as you get - maybe a little more. What bullies fear most is failure. When they realise they won’t win they back down.

The problem here though is that this bullying has been going on for a while. She is on a roll. To turn this situation round will need more than one remonstration. In view of your illness I do not think that repeated confrontation would be good for you. What your manager should have done is arrange to meet you and the bully round a table and have a counselling session where you could discuss and exchange your differences and problems in a cool manner and seek an agreement of mutual respect. Your manager is clearly too weak-kneed to do this and seems to side with the bully any way. So if you confront the bully you will be taking the two of them on. This is just too much stress, and considering that you have been given notice anyway is just not worth the hassle. So it’s down to . . .

Option 2.
Leave - and you have been given notice to do so anyway. I don’t know the manager’s real reasons for giving notice. There is a suggestion that he or she is taking the easiest course to eliminate a problem. This is unfair, I know. But you need to concentrate not on what is fair but on your own welfare. You are clearly in a bad situation in that home and things are not going to get better. You need to get out, for your own sake.

It may take a while to find personal accommodation that best suits your needs, so you should consider another care home, if only as a stopgap, to let you look around from a kinder environment. Don’t assume you will be in a similar situation in another care home; that is unlikely.

And this is where “fighting your corner” comes in. I presume you have your own doctor, though you have made no mention. He or she is probably well able to advise what type of caring is best for you, and support you case in applying to another care home.

Don’t see this as running away from an unsatisfactory and unfair problem. Do see it as taking control of your life to better your circumstances.

And if you really wish for “justice to be done” at your present care home after you have left, send in that report to CQC. It will benefit the people remaining there after you.

Hello

Not sure how to respond to you asking me what I expect social services and the Onbuds people to do.If they came and gave her a good talking to they’d need to go in armed.My neighbour is built like Jean Claude Van Damme.
The safeguarding people were originally involved in my case(not sure what is happening now)and they do have certain powers(and can remove residents in certain circumstances which is what I was hoping for)so I wasn’t sure what powers the Onbuds people did have.Perhaps some people on here are more familiar with different organisations but is new to me.I guess I thought if anyone here did have connections with social services they might know who to contact.

I am more than capable of fighing my own battles and have had a lot of challenges over time but in this situation am out of my depth.My neighbour has mental health problems and none of the unit feels safe around her.One of the residents even said as much and was in tears the morning after my neighbour had tried to break down my door and raised her stick over my mum’s head(my mums quite a bit older than she is)

Yeah,I have stood up to her in the past but there’s no reasoning with someone like her and am now trying just not to react in the hope she’ll get bored.

Everywhere I have been I have had issues because not enough is known about my illness.I was in another home for a while and it was not a happy experience.Even on a temporary basis a home would not be a healthy enviroment for me.

[Undermyduvet]

What do you do for a living Honey badger?If you’d rather not say publically you can PM

Its alright though I suspect not the answer you are looking for/expecting

I am a full time unpaid carer (former young-carer now in late 30’s) looking after several family members, primarily a younger (adult) sibling born with complex needs/neurological problems/learning disability and life shortening disorder (full assistive). This encompasses the legal side of things as much as the day to day care.

Professionally my (former) life couldn’t be more distant, I worked in engineering and also ran a business, I’ve also done bits of volunteering notably support/advisory (as a means to help other people and get myself through some problems) which is something I would like to become involved in again some day as I just have zero tolerance for bullies, I am very strongly opinionated on how people are financially victimised by a system that is supposed to help them because I can relate to the sense of abandonment.

There are some really bright/exceptional individuals in this community from all walks of life. They just happen to be looking after someone dear to them. There is a hidden irony in living a life where you can be around people you look after, and deal with 100’s of people in supporting them, yet still feel utterly isolated/alone.

Not the life we plan for, my health is not fantastic but pales in comparison to what you are dealing with.
Most of what people pick up is acquired from spending a long while negotiating the hurdles of the system of behalf of those they care about - which actually places them in a position of having a “one up” on the people that actually do it for a living.

Going back to your problems with social services/safe guarding… in the long term you need to have the mind set of tasking the ombudsman with looking at what you are being put through, but in the short term you need an appointed person who can allow you to actually be heard (an advocate, there are organizations which provide them), or possibly even see if you qualify for legal aid, so you can get assistance from somebody that specialises/is qualified to deal with what is going on that can’t be fobbed off and has your interests at heart.

At its core we try to support each other however we can here, and sometimes that means we are able to point a person in the right direction and I honestly hope that will give them a slight improvement in that situation which has a real positive change for them, but ultimately you always want to seek out professional assistance where you can.

If your mothers health is up to it, would she be able to approach anyone on your behalf in-between visits? Or at least set up some sort of meeting with one of the previously mentioned parties. Even if it means just cycling through phone numbers.

Best wishes

Thanks for your reply Honeybadger

It sounds like you are a supportive carer.I like this community.Everyone on here has their own story and hurdles to overcome and I think anyone who gives up their time to care for someone deserves respect.I hope things improve for you all.

I had thought about seeking legal advice but it seemed to be so expensive.The legal aid suggestion has got me thinking.I would also consider an advocate and will ask my social worker about that.In what ways could they support me?I know Melly1 here suggested it too so thanks

My mum is very tired out right now so me thinks am going to be busy:)Hopefully she’ll be able to help out more as time goes on…

[bowlingbun]

Under the Care Act, anyone who is “having difficulty making their voice heard” is entitled to an advocate.

From what you have just written, it is very clear that the neighbour is upsetting others, as well as you, and this needs to be addressed. Maybe it is just not the right place for the neighbour. However, I do have sympathy for the neighbour as well, because being moved is never easy. Maybe a review of the neighbour’s medication might be in order?

However, you clearly need someone on your side, and an advocate would be able to do that. I have an advocate as even I have difficulty with Social Services!

Contact Social Services and ask for a Care Act Advocate to be appointed asap Don’t take no for an answer, and be sure to write down the name of the person you speak to, date, and what was agreed. Stress it is URGENT as you feel threatened and it’s not safe…

[thara_1910]

What do you do for a living Honey badger?If you’d rather not say publically you can PM

Its alright though I suspect not the answer you are looking for/expecting

I am a full time unpaid carer (former young-carer now in late 30’s) looking after several family members, primarily a younger (adult) sibling born with complex needs/neurological problems/learning disability and life shortening disorder (full assistive). This encompasses the legal side of things as much as the day to day care.

Professionally my (former) life couldn’t be more distant, I worked in engineering and also ran a business, I’ve also done bits of volunteering notably support/advisory (as a means to help other people and get myself through some problems) which is something I would like to become involved in again some day as I just have zero tolerance for bullies, I am very strongly opinionated on how people are financially victimised by a system that is supposed to help them because I can relate to the sense of abandonment.

There are some really bright/exceptional individuals in this community from all walks of life. They just happen to be looking after someone dear to them. There is a hidden irony in living a life where you can be around people you look after, and deal with 100’s of people in supporting them, yet still feel utterly isolated/alone.

Not the life we plan for, my health is not fantastic but pales in comparison to what you are dealing with.
Most of what people pick up is acquired from spending a long while negotiating the hurdles of the system of behalf of those they care about - which actually places them in a position of having a “one up” on the people that actually do it for a living.

Going back to your problems with social services/safe guarding… in the long term you need to have the mind set of tasking the ombudsman with looking at what you are being put through, but in the short term you need an appointed person who can allow you to actually be heard (an advocate, there are organizations which provide them), or possibly even see if you qualify for legal aid, so you can get assistance from somebody that specialises/is qualified to deal with what is going on that can’t be fobbed off and has your interests at heart.

At its core we try to support each other however we can here, and sometimes that means we are able to point a person in the right direction and I honestly hope that will give them a slight improvement in that situation which has a real positive change for them, but ultimately you always want to seek out professional assistance where you can.

If your mothers health is up to it, would she be able to approach anyone on your behalf in-between visits? Or at least set up some sort of meeting with one of the previously mentioned parties. Even if it means just cycling through phone numbers.

Best wishes

Thanks for your reply Honeybadger

It sounds like you are a supportive carer.I like this community.Everyone on here has their own story and hurdles to overcome and I think anyone who gives up their time to care for someone deserves respect.I hope things improve for you all.

I had thought about seeking legal advice but it seemed to be so expensive.The legal aid suggestion has got me thinking.I would also consider an advocate and will ask my social worker about that.In what ways could they support me?I know Melly1 here suggested it too so thanks

My mum is very tired out right now so me thinks am going to be busy:)Hopefully she’ll be able to help out more as time goes on…

Definitely request professional advice on the legal aspects of this matter.

[Denis_1610]

Thanks, Undermyduvet, for your replies to my post and others’. We are learning a bit more about your situation.

It does not surprise me that your neighbour has mental problems. She is probably a very unhappy person at heart. This could be the reason why management is particularly attentive to her. This is probably more the reason why it is better for you not to try to battle with this person but secure a better position for yourself.

My previous recommendation is endorsed. Consult your doctor for guidance to finding new accommodation suited to your illness. Follow Bowlingbun’s excellent advice about an advocate. You sound as though, despite your illness, you are strong in spirit and, with a little help from the right people, can steer yourself towards a better life. Best wishes and keep in touch.