I am at my wits end and don’t know what to do!

Hi there

So taking 10 minutes to myself and thought maybe I’ll write a post and feel better…

I have my MIL with me at the moment, she has been in hospital the last 3 months and then into a rehab centre for her mobility. They discharged her and is with us for 2 weeks over Xmas. I assumed she was ready but as soon as she arrived she wasn’t.

  • can’t do the stairs without assistance
  • needed adapters to go on the toilet
  • is double incontinent from existing issue which is now worse and she won’t last a surgery so self managed is what they have said

I just don’t know what to do, i work FT so does my partner and we are exhausted, she needs help at doing most things. My daughter is 12 and I caught her helping change her pads as she couldn’t unfold them, that’s not right is it?

I don’t want to sound like I don’t care I do but how can we do all of this? I have had to change the beds, clean the bathroom after every use and I have 2 children to care for.

She needs FT care but that needs paying for? Her house is full of junk her other son has filled and he won’t empty for her to go home. I am just in a mess and not sure who to contact that can help me…

Ring the CEO of the hospital and make an immediate formal complaint about an UNSAFE DISCHARGE.
INSIST THAT SHE GOES BACK TO HOSPITAL and then there should be a Social Services Needs Assessment and an Occupational Therapists Assessment of HER HOME.
BE VERY FIRM WITH THE HOSPITAL. They can’t just dump her on your family!

How old is the other son?
Is it MIL’s own home, owned outright or rented?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings.
Does your husband have Power of Attorney?

Alternatively, just dial 999 and say you can’t cope, you were seriously misled and CANNOT BE FORCED TO CARE FOR HER.

It will be a battle, the sooner you fight it the better, don’t delay one day. Otherwise, you could ring Social Services and say you need an Emergency Placement.

Thank you

I have written to the hospital and the rehab care home, surprisingly no reply.
The social services team were involved (long story as the reason she was in hospital was a serious fall from the junk her other son left on the stairs). The social services said she needs to say she needs help, she needs to say she is not happy her home is not suitable to live in, it’s a family matter unless she reports it, and she won’t it’s her son.

She is 75 owns her home it’s her only asset she has no savings. I just keep being told if a care home is needed she needs to fund it from sale of her house, that will take months as the junk needs emptying and I have a feeling she has handed the house over to the other son and not told us so won’t be sold…

Can I get home help even if I can’t afford it for now?

Hello and welcome!

Have you asked for a needs assessment or not? This is the first step of the process. A social worker will do one with you for her. Things to consider are:

Self care

Provide enough detail as this is your chance to speak out. Make the most of it. What do you think she will need in the future? If you need more information, please visit this link Getting a social care needs assessment - NHS

Call the local council on Monday to ask for a needs assessment. The social worker should also check your finances as well.

Theresa, you must be much more assertive towards them.
For the first 12 weeks after discharge the charge of a home would be based on her income only.
From your point of view YOU CANNOT BE FORCED TO CARE.
If her other son has filled the home full of junk and she fell because of it, that is a SAFEGUARDING ISSUE!!
Ring the CCCG and complain about the unsafe discharge.
Ring SSD’s HQ and complain about them too.
The council can place a charge on her property if need be, but your first priority must be for SSD to remove her to somewhere she gets the care she needs.

Theresa, contrary to a previous posting, I don’t think you need have any financial assessment from Social Services. They ought to be concerned with your MILs finances alone.

Also, MIL ought to receive care immediately, no need to sell her house first. Nobody can insist she stays with you.


You could be a millionairess … mother-in-law a pauper.

As far as finances go , no obligation on you to finance mother-in-law.

It’s what mother-in-law has that counts !

Moral perhaps but … not legal !

Council will sort out the payments at a later date. They ought not be asking you. And same goes for any carers for her.

Contact your local Age UK office and /or speak to carers UK help line.


So when you say council do you mean ‘social services’ as they have closed the case and don’t seem to want to help. They didn’t want to help 3 months ago when I reported the junk in the house and said if there was a fire she would never get out of the house, then she had a fall and was found 2 days later. They just keep saying it’s a family matter.
Maybe I can ring a helpline today and ask for help…

The key issue is getting MIL out of your home.
She has been dumped on you and you are now refusing to care for her. No one can be forced to care.
Where she goes IS a matter for Social Services.
Do not complicate it by saying about the state of her home etc.
Just keep on that she must leave.
If they have closed the case then they can easily reopen it!

You can check who is the legal owner of a property by using the Land Registry’s website. Depending on when (if?) she passed her house over to her son, then there may well be a “deprivation of assets” situation.

If she is still the legal owner of the property, then LAs have a legal obligation to offer a deferred-payment plan for residential care fees, which would give you breathing space to empty and sell the house.

If you need more info on either of those , excellent , points raised by Pennie … just shout !

The first … deprivation of assets … a potential , ticking , time bomb.

Thanks for all the advise.

So I am now past NY and at rock bottom, Somerset adult social care won’t help, they said I need to contact Warwickshire which is her home county, contacted them they said they can’t help as she is down here…
I called both again today and said I just can’t do it, someone please help me get her into a nursing home until her back fracture heals and she is back on her feet.

I told them very assertive that her care is more important then the funding in what county, I told them I left the house today for work with her in bed as she was enable to get up and there is a risk with no one now at home.

So basically if a person is not in their own home , or away and something happens tough deal with it… no matter what I said , 7 year old daughter being shouted at at 6am as she couldn’t find her nanny’s pads in the bad, 12 year old crying as she gave nanny the wrong wipes, I get home today 4 hours early from work no pay to be shouted at that she didn’t have a tea all day.

I’m broken

Dial 999 and tell them she needs to be in hospital now, you CANNOT cope with neither authority willing to assist.

Full details here about who is responsible for what.

Thank you - I might need to take her to the hospital , me and my partner are now not taking, my kids asked to stay at my brothers tonight and I am dreading another night.

Thanks for listening

Do it as soon as the kids have gone to school. It’s outrageous that she was been dumped on your family this way. If you and your partner are not talking tonight, In a silly sort of way that’s actually good, because you are all in agreement, she MUST NOT STAY ANY MORE.


So I had to take MIL to hospital Sunday morning (won’t go into detail on why), but they have kept her in for tests and checking progress with the back fracture etc as well as a few other new issues.
Still no contact back today from social services which I am shocked at as they knew I would be leaving her at 7am today and back at 5pm, with no help so just left in a bed alone , I wonder how serious things would have to be before any support is offered.
Anyway priority is her care and she is better now on antibiotics but I am not going to or 1 nights good sleep felt good and coming home and not having to clean up the mess etc was a bit of a relief, even if they say she has to be discharged tomorrow.

“She has to be discharged tomorrow”?!

Where to? This is your golden opportunity to stand up to them and tell them she CANNOT come home, that they house will be locked and you will NOT be there to let her in. NO CARE has been arranged.


Ring the CEO’s office at the hospital and use the words “Unsafe Discharge”. These are like magic words, because hospitals can be fined.
Have they followed all the discharge procedures???

Stand up to them. I know it’s tough, I’ve had to do this myself, but while you keep giving in they will keep bullying you.