Hi everyone new here and looking for some advice/support. Never really classed myself as an unpaid carer but I have realised I am recently more so. I feel like I look after everyone but me! Not one to discuss usually but lately finding it a struggle. I have a little boy who is nearly 2 and my mam has rheumatoid arthritis which is recently becoming more of an issue as her mobility is decreasing and also worried about her memory keeps leaving gas on etc on Friday we were told she has to have a double knee replacement and I’m concerned about her obviously but also what that means for me and my work, parenting and future as I will be the one to care for her. Does anyone have any pointers as I say I’m new to all of this and have never accessed any support in the past we’ve just got on with it together
Hi @ClairemColl welcome to the forum and the right place. There are plenty of people to help with advice. I would contact carers helpline so Contact us | Carers UK
They are very helpful and put you in touch with the right person. I would speak to the GP and raise your concerns if you can but also try social services and see if they can help.
Welcome to the forum. I had counselling some years ago, newly widowed, newly disabled, brain damaged son and mum 6 miles away, housebound with lots of issues. I would strongly recommend counselling to help you manage your mum’s expectations, so your son has a happy mum. How old is your mum? What sort of personality does she have? After a car accident, and not being able to walk for 5 years, it’s wonderful being able to walk, and being pain free, but she needs to understand that she will have to work hard for 6 months to make it as good as it can be. She will be entitled to 6 weeks Reablement Care and I would suggest at this point all her care needs to be done by someone else. Her memory problems sound potentially very serious. Sometimes major surgery with anaesthetic can really upset these already showing memory problems. Make sure her GP is aware of your concerns. How old is mum? Is she claiming any disability benefits?
Hi @ClairemColl
welcome to the forum. You are a sandwich carer - stuck between caring for your young son and your Mum.
I have had hip replacements and they are great at relieving the pain (after the operation pain has gone) but totally agree with @bowlingbun they are only successful if the person puts in the effort.
Does your Mum live alone?
Its all very well doing both knees at he same time but she will require intensive support to cope and regain her mobility. Its really important that she doesn’t say you will do all of his for her and that she doesn’t need outside support.
Since her memory is also failing her, I think you should push for a rehab placement after her op. You will need to explain that you work and have a young son and therefore can’t care for her post op.
This might help you plan for fighting for the kind of care she will need:
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/coming-out-of-hospital/
I’d always say it’s best to do one knee at a time, so you have one good leg.
She isn’t claiming anything other than PIP but only on low amount, she doesn’t work due to her rheumatoid arthritis work finished her but not on medical grounds (naughty!) she is 63. I don’t think she will accept any outside help and I wouldn’t want others to care for her. Although I’m not sure how I will do it all. Also worried about financial impact on my young family and mental health of myself as I enjoy work. I’m also in the middle of changing jobs and unsure now if I should go ahead with this. Any pointers on how to approach memory problems with her? She’s quite a fiery personality and very independent!
Consultant did say one knee then another 3 months after so hopefully that’s a good way
Mum lives with my brother (who isn’t very good and doesn’t take on any responsibility and is currently struggling himself with work and possible adhd diagnosis and isn’t good with health/death) and my dad lives there but works abroad for most of the time
I appreciate everyone’s words and advice btw 
thank you
You need to explain to mum that she is going to need a lot of help after the operations, more than you can give. You can’t look after son and mum, and your brother isn’t going to wash her feet, cook her food etc etc is he? I’m almost 6ft tall, big and strong as a rule, but I was glad of help. Mum is going to need a toilet seat raiser, chair raisers, won’t be allowed to bend her leg to put socks on for a while, two crutches, especially up and down stairs…it’s a long list of do’s and dont’s!
She or her carer will be expected to do her anticoagulant jabs; she’ll Ned someone to change her surgical stockings and they are difficult as they are tight.
She’ll need things fetching and carrying and help with her physio and to manage her pain relief meds.
Anyone know anything about giving up work to care during recovery etc?
If you give up work due to recovery etc, you could speak to your boss and as for time off, if that can’t be given then go down to the job centre and register as a unpaid carers so that you can get some money in.
No, do not give up work. She needs to accept the help which is available free of charge. Otherwise you are going down a slippery slope of giving up work altogether and living on benefits! You need to think of your own well being too.
Please don’t give up work. She has to accept help from other people even if she does not like the idea. If you give up work, you are sacrificing your own life for some help at the end of hers!
Think carefully about why you want to take on all this work when others can do it? This is the thin end of the wedge. Mum should at least accept help during her recovery period. Has she become a recluse, not wanting to go out at all? Does she have many friends or social activities?
Some work places will give a carer unpaid leave for this, however, personally I would keep this for when you might really need it.
It’s usual for folk to have the free enablement care after coming out of hospital - it’s the trade off. People used to be kept in hospital whilst they had it but now it takes place in a rehab place or at home.
Before any hasty decisions are made please look at what you could claim financially if you weren’t in work. You’d be able to claim Carer’s allowance, if you have very limited savings you could claim universal credit. Could you survive on this amount?
A lot of carers find it hard to get back into work after caring due to the large gap in their CV, so bear this in mind, if you are thinking of resigning.
Working part time might be a good compromise, you’d have more time for family and you.