Hello. This is my first posting and I’m wondering if anyone can give me some advice about how to stop being overprotective and thinking that I can solve all the health issues of my loved one. My 80 year old mum has COPD and was seriously ill in hospital over Christmas and the New Year, but she surprised the doctors with her quick recovery. I’m the main carer for her and I am constantly worried that she is going to become, suddenly, ill again. I deal with everything such as the doctors, the hospital, medication, getting aids and adaptations etc, while closely monitoring her physical health and holding down a full time job. If I ring my mum and she doesn’t answer her phone straight away, I keep on ringing until she answers, my fears being that she may have fallen and hurt herself when all that is happened is that she is in the bath. I worry about the slightest thing and, understandably, it’s driving her, as well as me crazy and now my behaviour is starting to panic her, and that is definately what I don’t want. Can anyone let me know, please, how they coped with this? It often feels like a massive cloud of doom and dread is hanging over my head. Thank you.
HI @Jude25 . welcome to the forum. You never stop worrying, it is hard when you are trying to do it on you own. go and see your Gp and ask them for some sort of help. Maybe you need to get someone in to help look after your mum , to try and help take the pressure of you. Is there anyone in the family that can you out?
Hi there,
Be kind to yourself better over care than under I feel.
If she is ok as the weeks go by you will gradually relax,
Just my opinion others ideas might be better for you
Kind wishes Ula
@Jude25 it’s very hard to switch off when caring and not to worry.
It must’ve been very scary when she was so poorly and needed to be in hospital.
Does your Mum have a pendant/ bracelet to summon help if needed?
It sounds like you are doing all you can to keep her healthy.
Self care is important too as you need to look after you, so that you can be there for her.
What works for you and supports your well-being? Are you able to get out into the fresh air/ nature most days? Can you make time to do something you enjoy that distracts you from your worries / helps you relax.
It’s time for mum to have some sort of home help/carer who can take the pressure of you. My disabled mum had a pendant alarm, to call someone in an emergency, especially if I was away at a show with our steam engine. She had carers going in after a serious issue, and also someone who would do her shopping, ironing, laundry etc. Is she receiving any disability benefits?
You have all of my sympathy. Have to echo the idea of a Pendant Alarm then if she does fall, she can summon help immediately. It sounds as if you have gone the extra mile to keep her safe. Hopefully now she is recovering from her chest infection you will start to feel less stressed? It must be very hard for you to care and hold down a full time job. Do you get any help in caring for your mother? Would a cleaner be an option? If she gets Attendance Allowance that would help pay for this. Even if someone came in once or twice a week it would be another person checking your mother and hopefully some company for her.
Hello @Jude25
I am pretty new to this forum but have been caring for my grandma in some capacity for about 10 years now. At first she lived in a flat around 20 minutes from where we live and every time she didn’t answer her phone we were so worried, I dont think it helps im a Health Care Assistant by trade so ive seen the worst things that can happen to people. She lives with us now and I dont think its made it any easier, its just trapped me at home.
I dont have any advice unfortunately just to say it’s so hard. We got into a situation where we would have to just keep telling ourselves we were doing what we could. She lived in warden controls with a button that she wore but when she did have falls she didn’t press it if it was after 5pm because she said well the warden won’t be on duty now (even though it was connected to 24/7 support)
While she was living alone we just got to the stage where we rang her in the morning and in the evening and were popping round most days
Hi. Thank you for your reply. I also work in health care, so like you, I know the worst that can happen, so no wonder our minds work overtime. I’m sorry that you feel trapped at home. It’s so tough for people and I’m discovering a new found respect for carers. My mum is the same and she wouldn’t press her pendant if anything happened as she would say that she doesn’t want to bother anyone. I suppose there is no easy answer to how to worry less but all we can know is that we’ve all done our best. Best wishes to you.
@Jude25 My mother has a pendant but when she last fell she would not press it as she did not want to go back into hospital. It is a nightmare when they wont help themselves.
My mam is scared of going into hospital too, she would rather be sitting at home struggling to breathe then go in. I try and see it from her point of view and I know that I would feel scared to go in too, but she doesn’t realise that I can’t just not call for an ambulance when the only way she will get better is by going into hospital. I’ve realised that you have to make some tough decisions and I have to go against what she is saying but it is very difficult. I can imagine some of the frustration you must feel.
That’s me to a T, being over protective! 
I haven’t had much choice though because I have an adult daughter with LD and autism and if I didn’t shout out for her we would have been lost in the system.
Alongside that I looked after my Mum for 14 years until she died at almost 97. Again, I had to speak up for her so that she got help where necessary. I do know what you mean about worrying when they don’t answer phone etc.
I used to be shy but when you are a carer you learn to start asking for things or you just wouldn’t get any help. I’m lucky because I work in health care, so I’m used to asking for other people and have some ideas about what resources are out there, but I know some people don’t like to ask or they feel that they don’t have the right to. My mum thinks that I’ve become very bossy now.
When my daughter was quite young I first heard the expression “a mother with claws” and I rather liked that. I would literally have done anything to get whatever help she needed or protect her.
Hello Jude
When I was becoming emotionally overwhelmed with worry and also with sadness about Mum, like you I realised had to try to find a way to cope. It helped enormously when she started having carers, first once/week, now twice/day. A massive relief… I hope your Mum may accept some help gradually, maybe. Emotionally it is and always will be really hard, but for me meditation and mindfulness are what keeps me coping. By doing this regularly it becomes part of life and really helps.I hope you find a way that helps you. Also, I try to tell myself I am looking after 2 people. And that I am one of them.Still feel all the emotions but sometimes it helps to look at it this way. All the very best to you.
Hello Amanda. Thank you for your reply. I’m pleased that, with the introduction of carers, some of your anxieties went away. It feels so overwhelming when all of the responsibilities go to one person. Hopefully my mum will be getting a district nurse to pop in monthly to check for chest infections. At the moment that’s my job and not being medically trained it’s very hard for me to know if she has an infection or not. If she does she has to start taking antibiotics, immediately. If I get this wrong and don’t start her on them in good time, then she could end up in hospital on a ventilator, so I feel a massive responsibility on my shoulders. Things have settled down a bit now, so I’ll give mindfulness a go and it’s good to hear that it helps you. I’ve started to write down things that I’m grateful for and the change in weather to seeing some blue skies has lifted my spirits. Looking after 2 people is so true. I’d not thought of it like that so no wonder we all get so stressed. I will remember that in future. Thank you for that. 
Best wishes.
Hi Jude25, and welcome.
Your feelings of overwhelm and the desure to protect your Mum are completely normal and understandable. I have gone through (and go through) the same issues with my caree, my Dad.
When I first became a carer, I threw myself into it wholeheartedly. I did everything I could for my Dad. He’d just lost his wife (my Mum), so naturally I took over where she’d left off and tried to make his world equally as marvellous.
Everyone kept telling me how hard it would be for my Dad losing his wife. I felt pressurised (by myself and others) to ensure that his heartbreak would be as limited as possible. This included me preventing him from doing anything that his disabilities made difficult for him, and spending all my free time with him. In doing all this for him, I effectively became his parent, and he became my child; vulnerable and in need of guidance and support.
I infantilised him, and he let me. And that wasn’t ok.
I forgot that I was a daughter. I forgot that he was a father. I think my behaviour helped him forget these things, too.
In my 5 years of being my Dad’s carer, I have learned (eventually) that caring for someone isn’t about doing everything for them and making them more dependent. It’s about supporting someone to be as independent as possible. You give them the metaphorical reins as much as you possibly can, with safety in mind.
So, in your situation, this might look like you asking your Mum what she needs to feel safe, happy and capable in her own home. Hear her voice, and listen to her concerns. Afterwards, you can tell her your concerns and why you’re so anxious.
Then, you explore solutions, together. The concept if you working ‘together’ is so important for you both to appreciate.
Has your Mum had a Needs Assessment from the Council? Often this results in lots of good suggestions that your Mum and you can discuss together.
There are all sorts of items of equipment that could help you keep an eye on your Mum, that will help her feel safer too, without you needing to call all the time.
I think of me and my Dad as a team, and I commonly remind him of that; we work together not against each other. Acting as a team reminds both of us that we need to support each other… and helps us to remember that I’m still his daughter and he’s still my Dad.
It also helps me to remember that my Dad is an adult. I know that sounds like it should be obvious, but its so easy to forget when you see someone as vulnerable. But, I spend too much worrying about him all the time and about him making bad decisions, that I forget he has the right to make his own decisions, however silly they might be. I’ve had to resign myself to the fact that I can’t be in control of everything all the time.
However, reassurances are also a saviour. So, definitely research fall alarms, and encourage your Mum to see the benefits of extra help - and how it would benefit you BOTH as well as allowing your relationship to recover some of that Mother-Daughter loveliness that could exist.
You’ve got us here if you ever need to rant, chat, discuss or ask questions. Hopefully that helps you feel less alone x
Thank you for your reply, Blomst and your lovely welcome. I am finding everyone so supportive and thank you to everyone who has taken the time to offer advice. I know what you mean about roles changing and I do feel bad that sometimes I do treat my mum like the child, but I am going to work as more of a team, rather than taking control, like I feel like I may be doing now. I’m pretty new to a caring role, so I feel like I’ve got a lot to learn, so I really appreciate all the help that I get from the carers on this site.
Caring is a bit like bringing up a baby, lots of advice from various people, some works for you, some doesn’t, but hopefully you will find something suitable. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Some old people don’t have any children, some have children but they are in Australia, others have children who won’t help. You are there doing your best.
Hi, yes I agree. I have a brother and often think how nice it would have been to have lots of siblings who could have helped out, but that’s no guarantee that they would help. Thank you for your continuing support and encouragement and apologies to anyone that I haven’t replied back too.
Welcome to the forum. I am fairly new myself and completely understand your position. I have noticed that I am overprotective and as someone else has said, am actually make mum more dependent not the other way round. I was so worried when she was discharged from hospital on 21 December that I didn’t go out of her house until a month later, not even to the shops. I’ve been doing everything for her in the ‘correct’ way - being very rule bound. She has a falls button which she doesn’t use but it is useful if a person will use it as it links to a service.
I also recently (on another thread) had to leave her for the first time overnight and was extremely anxious about it. I just had to do the best I could, put stuff in place to cover as many eventualities as possible and hope for the best - letting go.
I bought a camera (with her permission) and put it in the kitchen. It links to my phone and has two way talking, saves the footage to the cloud. There is also a privacy setting when not needed. If your mum agrees, it is a good tool for reducing worry and not expensive. As long as you don’t check in every 5 minutes that is…
Letting go is a lesson I need to learn but I have started to understand that for my own welfare I must try. If you can, do the same in a way that works for you.
All the best
