I’m sorry if this post repeats subjects already covered, I did look.
For years I supported Mum in her own home as her physical health deteriorated, she’s 91. She has heart disease, osteoporosis, AMD, general increasing frailty.
During lockdown her carers/cleaners were suspended. Mum decided to clean her shower despite declining my offer, fell and broke her ankle. 5 days in hospital then to intermediate care to rehabilitate with the aim of going home. Just before this was achieved she developed pneumonia then sepsis and almost lost her life. It was decided that Mum’s recovery in hospital was optimised to the point where apart from feeding herself she required total nursing care and was transferred to a nursing home for end of life care, fortunately paid for by the NHS. I realise she is very fortunate to get this and I am happy with the care home.
2 weeks down the line she is looking much better, has settled in very well, rarely talks about home and generally seems very content with her lot.
So why do I feel so agitated when the manager says she’s really well and doing fine? There is a part of me that panics to the point where I am driving myself and anyone who’ll listen, mad with the worry that she may eventually get well enough to go home. Maybe the hospital was wrong that she hasn’t got end stage heart disease??
When Mum was at home she was very difficult, I regularly drove home on the verge of screaming. She kicked against being told what she could/couldn’t do, took risks and delighted in telling me. This has lasted for over 12 years. The relief when she was in hospital/ care home was immense, she couldn’t make the rules, she had to follow them.
Even as I type this I think I realise my fears are irrational, she’s almost entirely bed bound, she won’t go home- will she?? 
I know that feeling.
You have been living a nightmare for 12 years, and it’s going to take a long, long time before your head accepts that you are FREE at last.
For a while, keep a diary, for your eyes only, about how you feel as every day goes by.
Treat yourself to a hairdo, beautician. Usually I’d suggest a holiday, but that’s a bit difficult right now.
Nothing to stop you planning.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking you will go back to your old life, think about making a new one. Buy a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff. Really helped me, easy to read, cheap on ebay.
What is happening to mum’s home? Did she own or rent it?
Have you got to clear it out now or?
Only when mum’s house was sold could I really believe I could relax a bit!
Thank you Bowlingbun for your reply.
Mum owns her house, I had been preparing for her to return there, new Lino on the kitchen floor, grab rails in the shower, carpets cleaned etc. I don’t feel able to discuss the subject with her of closing up her home and selling it, guess I can’t quite believe she won’t return there and also don’t want to upset her talking about selling it.
I’ll definitely buy a copy of the book yo suggested.
I HAVE been keeping a diary on my iPad so no one else can read it, I’m shocked sometimes by how Mum has made me feel, I hope it was her increasingly poor health and not HER responsible for such awful words. This has really brought out the very worst in me, I’m a retired nurse, my specialism was care of the elderly but nothing prepared me for this period of my life.
If she owns the house, and is receiving Continuing Healthcare, there is no hurry to do anything with the house. Make sure you tell her insurance company she is in long term care, there are also special arrangements regarding Council Tax, it’s a while since I did this and can’t remember if it was a half or full reduction for 6 months.
Be sure to remove all valuables, and then you can leave it as it is for a while.
Maybe have a provisional chat with an estate agent?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
If not, then ask DWP for Appointeeship so you can manage the expenses of the house from her money.