How to get services to take notice - help!

This will be long, but I’ll try & keep it as brief as possible.
I suppose I am classed as full time carer for my adult daughter, though nothing ‘official’. I also take care of my dad, who lives alone & has rapidly developing dementia. Mam had dementia for 10 years, died just over a year ago.

Daughter has numerous mental health problems, a Personality Disorder & suspected Autism & ADHD.
She was living alone but was struggling, came home ‘temporarily’ 18 months ago.

Situation now. She is extremely needy & demanding, has regular meltdowns, has some physical ailments also , but won’t take medication, even though she’s been warned she’ll end up in hospital if she doesn’t.

My boiler broke down months ago, I can’t arrange to get it fixed while she’s here. My washing machine also died, still not fixed. My house is filthy. I have never had a dirty home & it disgusts me. Taking care of her takes all my time & energy. Every day starts with her telling me what she needs me to do. She is verbally abusive every day, sometimes physically.
Although without boiler I do have an electric shower. But I am ashamed to admit I can’t even remember the last time I had a shower. Even now, at this time, she is messaging me :frowning:

Please, how do I get out of this?
I can’t just kick her out without any support in place, but I am desperate.
Thanks for listening

Let’s start with the domestic abuse. She has NO right to attack you! Film or record her on your phone and call the police. Show your GP. You sound like a virtual prisoner in your own home?! As for dad, what support does he need? Where does he live?

Hi Karen and welcome,

what a difficult situation.

I agree with BB, it is not acceptable for her to be abusive to you.

Does she still have a home to go back to (if she had support in place)?

Are any professionals involved?

These links may be of help:

Women’s Aid
Rethink Mental Illness


You are in fact enabling your daughter. I know this doesn’t make for a good read. The only way you can help her. And retain a relationship is to be strong. And tell her she needs to move out. You both need space from each other. The relationship as become toxic. And either or both of you could become hurt. If your daughter has no other fix accommodation. To get her any accommodation you have to in affect make her homeless. Otherwise she is deemed adequately housed.

Shelter maybe a good place to start.

My boiler broke down months ago, I can’t arrange to get it fixed while she’s here Please can you expand on why not.

but won’t take medication, even though she’s been warned she’ll end up in hospital if she doesn’t. Is this so you have to provide your daughter with more care/ help.

Hi Karen, You are in a horrible situation. You say your daughter tells you what she needs every day. What would happen if you were to say to her ‘I will help you later, but right now I have to have my shower/ make a phone call/ go out?’
Would your daughter physically stop you from doing those things?
Don’t allow her to control you like this.

Thanks for responses.
I am aware of everything that is wrong with this situation & I don’t want it to continue.

My question was, how do I get the help that is needed? I have been telling MHS , support workers, social workers for years that I cannot continue to live like this. How do I make them listen?!

I had to call the police this week. It’s not the first time & despite their promises of contacting people to get support, I know from experience, nothing will happen. It took them 22 hours to come & do a welfare check. Not their fault, they’re busy I know, but, the added stress of waiting just made things more difficult.

It seems that until one of us is seriously hurt or makes a suicide attempt, no-one is interested.

Unfortunately your last statement is correct, Mental health services are full to bursting point and have no money.

And are only dealing with the very mentally unwell despite all the promises by the government that mental health services are getting better.

Majority of my carees have physical health and mental health issues but are just entitled to ZERO help and support.

I am spending all my time fighting for them to get the right help and support but no one is interested.

But you are an unpaid carer full time to 2 people, you should be receiving some support, can your GP help?

Have you got a local carers centre who can help you?

Why can’t you get the boiler and washing machine fixed?

Have you got a mental health crisis line in your area, phone them see if they can help?