Hello. After the recent death of my mum, I now find myself carer to my dad. My dad and I have never got on, but had found a way to tolerate each other, over the years when my mum was alive. I experienced physical abuse, a couple of times from him, growing up, but mostly emotional abuse, which has effected me as an adult, so I find caring for him extremely difficult. He has mellowed, slightly, in old age, but he can still be nasty and gets annoyed and loses his temper at the slightest thing. Just leaving him to get on with things by himself would not be an option as he has got heath issues due to his age and I would never forgive myself if anything happened to him. I pull him up on his behaviour, something which no one has ever done before, and he acts so surprised as though he really canāt see what he has done wrong. This always turns into childish arguments and critism towards me, as if I am the problem, so I really canāt be bothered with it all. Is there anyone else in a similar situation and if so do you have any advice, please? Thanks.
@Jude25 Hello and welcome to the Forum.
Do you have a local āSupport for Carersā?. If you do worth contacting them as they sometimes have meetings where you can discuss your concerns. I have a telephone befriender as I cannot easily get out for long periods and they have often been Carers themselves. The isolation is often an issueā¦
No real advice with regard to your father. But one thing I would suggest is that you make some kind of life for YOU. If he is safe to be left alone, get out as much as you can. Unfortunately older people often get worse rather than better. My husband is very mentally abusive and is nearly 86. I cope because I can still get out for short periods - although he often tries to stop me by saying he does not feel well. I have a small circle of good friends. Sadly care needs tend to increase as time goes by.
Do you live with your father? Do you work?
Also if your father was emotionally abusive and still is to a degree it might be worth seeing if you can find a private counsellor to talk through the ambivalence you must feel re caring? Remember you cannot be MADE to care and you should only do what YOU feel comfortable doing? Delegate as much as you can if finances allow.
We have a Roll Call on here where we share the ups and downs of caring. No judgement and lots of empathy. Lurk if you wish for a while, and/or share as much or as little as you feel able.
Hi @Jude25. The only thing I would say is find a way out.
You do not have to care for him. If you are able to leave, you need to consider doing so and contacting social services to let them know that you can no longer care for your father.
@Charlesh47 Does have a point - so easy to āsleep walkā into caring and then very very hard to get out. I would agree that you need to organise all the help you can get NOW as needs do increase often suddenly and it can be hard to predict. Please do not get trapped.
@Jude25ā¦.welcome to the forum. I agree with @Charlesh47 and @selinakylie, be careful how much you take on and look after yourself, your own well-being is important too.
Thank you for your reply and welcome, Selinakylie. Fortunately, I donāt live with my dad, and I work full time so I have time for myself. My mum used to be his main carer, and due to her passing seven weeks ago, Iām still not fully sure what his caring needs are. He covers a lot up and says that he doesnāt need help, but he is prone to falls and aids and adaptations have already been put in place to help keep him safer in the home. I thought his attitude might soften and maybe make him become more appreciative after experiencing the loss of my mum and realising the importance of family support, but sadly it hasnāt. I looked after my mum through a terminal illness for five years, and she never criticised or complained about me once. I will probably need to speak to a bereavement counsellor, at some point, as I havenāt had the time the grieve her passing as Iāve had to go straight on to trying to help my dad.
Iām sorry to hear that your husband is mentally abusive to you. That must be so upsetting to hear when all you are doing is trying your best to help.
Take care.
Jude, your dad should have a Needs Assessment from Social Services and care arranged for him so you can finally have a life of your own. Otherwise you are just going to end up doing more and more. What does he do when he has a fall?Does he own or rent his home? If he has over about Ā£23,000 he will have to pay for his care. Is he claiming Attendance Allowance? Do you have Power of Attorney.
Hello Bowlingbun. Thank you for your reply. My dad has full mental capacity so isnāt wanting a needs assessment. When he has had a fall he has been lucky, so far, and has managed to get straight up again with no injuries. I know he could potentially really hurt himself, one day, and Iāve suggested getting a care call pendent, but he is refusing. I think itās an unwise decision he is making, but as he has mental capacity he is making choices for himself. I havenāt discussed savings with him as he is able to manage his own finances and having power of attorney is not needed. I guess my question was just around how do you cope, psychologically, with someone who makes you feel like you are treading on egg shells when you are around them.
@Jude25 I feel I am āwalking on eggshellsā all the time with my husband. But the bottom line is if your father has āmental capacityā all you can do is make suggestions. I agree an alarm pendant would be a good idea but he would have to agree and to use it. I guess the only thing you can do is make suggestions and then disengage to a degree for your own sanity and mental health? You could consider writing to his GP saying that he is vulnerable and see if they would maybe keep a closer eye on him or call him in for blood tests to make sure he is as healthy as possible. The falls are a huge worry for you.
It sounds like dad assumes you will/must care for him. Is that a fair ssumption?
Thank you for your advice. I am taking him to the doctors, this week for a check up and we can discuss his falls then and I think I will write a letter to the gp as you suggest. You are right, I do worry, so much, about him falling.
No, thatās the thing he doesnāt expect me to care for him as he says that he can manage. He wonāt admit there is a problem.
I have found that writing to the GP is the best thing to do. You can say what you need to say, and only post it when youāve read it over and are happy with what you wrote. They may be willing to phone you back, if you include your mobile number. But it means you can make the GP aware of the issues that the cared-for person might never, ever raise themselves at an appointment.
Hi @Jude25 and welcome. Well done on getting up the courage to post on here. I did it last July and the advice and support I get on here makes a real difference.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mum and the situation you now find yourself in. I became the main carer for my mum for the last seven years really, since my darling dad was diagnosed with Alzheimerās and then passed away. My mum had emotionally abused my sister and I all our lives and physically abused my sister, who is now in a secure unit in Southampton with dementia and psychosis from the abuse she suffered.
Despite all of this, I felt obliged to care for mum. I had promised my dad I would and felt it was in all our best interests to do so. The things she has put me through are too many and various to go into now, but the last year reached a peak, when I moved her near me so I could keep a closer eye on her. She refused every kind of assistance and support apart (eventually) from a paid carer who she then used to play off against me. Three falls at home with blue lights to hospital were followed by self discharges and an expectation that I would pick up the slack in managing her.
The advice of others on here is spot onā¦.we stumbled on until February this year, when I couldnāt take any more. I have arthritis and fibromyalgia myself and I just couldnāt do it any more. I phoned her GP for an appointment and told them I couldnāt go on. They cleared a double appointment for me to take her in and, in a nutshell, the GP told her she had to go into residential care voluntarily or he would hand her over to Adult Social Care. She has now been in a wonderful home of her own choice for a month and my husband and I are starting to get our lives back. Mum still phones with lists of demands and treated me terribly when I visited last week, but at the end of the day, she is now someone elseās problem. I know we are lucky that she can pay herself for such excellent care but the Manager at the home hugs me whenever she sees me and tells me to ābreatheā. As Charles says, you donāt have to care for someone who is demonstrably non compliant and sometimes the best thing is just to refuse to do so. I send you strength and hugs 
Hello JayneyT. Thank you so much for your reply, kind words and for mentioning the loss of my mum. Your situation sounds similar to my own in the sense that you had to look after your mum after your wonderful dad passed. It really is difficult when one parent is so different from the other. Iām so sorry to hear how you and your sister have suffered as a result of the abuse. When things get really hard, I think to myself, what advice would mum have given me and I try to follow what I think she would have said. I agree that you do feel obliged to look after a parent despite what has happened. It just shows how compassionate a person you really are like all of the carers who work hard to do their best for the cared for person.
Itās so good to hear that you have a supportive gp and that you were listened to. What a relief to have found a way out and to know that your mum is being, well, looked after and you and your husband can start living your life the way you want to live it.
Take care and best wishes 
Hi you have my sympathy in what you are trying to do. As a carer beware always of sliding into a level of care which is unsustainable over time. Even more so for you as your Dad is dificult.
contact with adult social care gives you access to options . Only you know what you can live with both in giving and in what could happen. Please look after you too though. hope you get some hlep
Thank you for your reply, Vee. I feel that Iām beginning to look after myself a bit better now and am not spending so much time with him. I tend to go off and do something nice for myself, but I just have to get over the feelings of guilt with worrying that he might be feeling lonely and that I should be with him. Itāll all take a bit of time, but Iāll keep working on myself, rather than trying to change his attitude.
Hi i am so glad for you. It is so hard when you can see a way of helping and its not accepted or maybe acceptable. If you want to vent you are very welcome to email
Thinking of you
Vee
Thank you, Vee, I will. Please, feel free to email me too if you ever feel the need to do the same. 
Thank you i may need to