Looking after friend who is disabled and abusive towards me

Hi all,
I am looking for some advice please. I have been looking after my friend for the last 10 years or so. He always has been quite quick to lose his temper if he doesn’t get what he wants, shouts and swears at me on a daily basis and has now threatened to call social services and say Geno longer wants me to be his carer. This effectively means that I could be homeless very soon and I have virtually no money at all to go and get another place to live
Whenever he loses his temper with me, I always try to calmly speak about the issue but get shouted and sworn at, then ignored for days on end. I have quite a few health issues myself ( some mobility issues with back, graves disease, asthma and anxiety and depressed), all of which can and do affect me on a daily basis. I do try my best to look after him, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to do so without my stress levels going through the roof.
I am also worried about going into temporary accommodation due to covid pandemic and not sure how I would be able to cope on my own. I have no family living close by and like the area I live in. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. He says he’s going to make the call in the morning when they open and I’m pretty sure that I will be asked to leave if this happens. Every time something happens to annoy him ( today it was because I was trying to sleep and asked him to put the TV down a little bit so I could sleep). He has also thrown this on occasion too. Please help as I don’t know what to do.

This is no friend! It’s domestic abuse. Why are you ruining your life like this?
Time for you to start an escape plan asap.
What benefits are you claiming currently?

I’m currently getting carer’s allowance and income support. I use it to buy the food each week for us both and my cat and it just about covers everything for the week. I don’t pay any rent, the tenancy is in his name (in a council property) and he pays all the bills, so I feel I have to contribute something.
He’s threatened it numerous times in the past and not actually done it, I’m too scared to sleep in case he does something while I’m sleeping ( I might not be awake if he makes the call in a few hours), so trying to stay awake. I have tried to talk to him calmly but he just walked out of the room, swearing and telling me he wants nothing to do with me. He has also done this quite a lot in the past and has a medical condition which can make him lose his temper quickly, I always try to not provoke him, but it seems any little thing can make him kick off lately. I then get ignored or sworn at for days, until he decides to act normal again.

And not sure I have the strength to leave, even though I know what he’s doing is wrong. He made me so upset a few years ago that I actually went and punched a wall out of sheer frustration and ended up breaking my knuckle.

Have you ever heard of Coercive Control?
Contact an organisation dealing with Domestic Abuse.
He has clearly made you feel utterly worthless, part of his plan to keep you as his slave.

Yes I have heard of it, do you think that’s what he’s doing? He did say he was a difficult person to live with and had no issues for the first few years. Then it started. When he loses his temper with me, he does generally put me down and certainly always thinks I am putting things on to get out of doing things, but that really isn’t the case at all. I only know my side of the story and he is impossible to deal with when angry. There are always 2 sides to every story after all.
It seems each time I do something to make him lose his temper and try not to do it again, he comes up with any other thing to lose it with me over. Sometimes feel like I am treading on egg shells so to speak.
I am really worried about where I might end up if he does decide to make the call and stop me being his carer as I have been homeless before I lived here and it wasn’t a pleasant experience at all - I almost had a complete breakdown.
I am trying my best, but seems it’s never good enough and what was ok yesterday won’t necessarily be ok today as he changes his mind constantly.

He is using you as his slave and verbal punchbag.
Start by contacting an organisation dealing with domestic abuse. Make sure he doesn’t find out.

That may be a bit tricky to do. I’ve known him for 20+ years. I know you are probably right and I will see what I can find out discreetly. And see if he actually goes through with his threat.
It’s not the first time he has said similar, he told me a couple of years ago he wanted me out by the end of the week, then acted like nothing had happened a few days later.
And unless I go out (which is tricky for me to do due to back issues), then I cannot talk freely to anyone. I’m thinking of contacting my GP to hopefully get a face to face appointment and maybe I will have the courage to speak to them. I am also registered with my local carer’s network, they may be able to help with live chat.

The chances of him throwing you out is just about zero, who else will be his slave then??

What is the nature of his disability?

You mention your back issues make it difficult for you to go out alone.
Are you claiming disability benefits in your own right?
Do you have a lock on your bedroom door, for privacy?

I agree he probably won’t throw me out, but I’ve been awake all night worrying. While he’s been sleeping for hours.
He has mobility issues, diabetes, high blood pressure and issue in his neck which he had surgery for just over 6 years ago.
My back issue is due to an injury in October 2019 which leaves me in constant pain, often very bad, made worse when bending, walking and standing. I’m not currently getting any benefits for it but it has certainly restricted my mobility on a daily basis and when it’s really bad (I get muscle spasms along with the pain), I struggle to walk.
We live in a one bedroom bungalow and he has the bedroom, I sleep on a sofa bed in the living room, so no I don’t even have a bedroom to lock the door.
I’ve been thinking about applying for PIP like he gets so I can start to try and save some money, but not sure I am affected enough to get it.

Forgot to mention, despite back issues, I still manage to do everything I was doing for him before, albeit a lot slower now.

I feel like a hypocrite writing this because I am stuck in a situation myself but my advice to you is to try to get a place for yourself you are probably entitled to Pip or something yourself with your back and other health issues and would probably be entitled to housing benefit etc. I think you should do this now whether he tries to kick you out or not as these things take a while to happen. I think if you had your own place you can still care for him if you wanted or not it would be up to you but if you did at least you would have your own space and not be completely dependant on him, hope this helps x

Thank you all for the advice and support, much appreciated.
A quick update, my friend got up today, got himself dressed and went out on his mobility scooter somewhere. Don’t know if he made the call as he’s not talking to me, don’t know where he went. When he goes out, I usually have to help him dress and uncover his mobility scooter. Today, he managed to do all that by himself miraculously!
I still feel very confused about what I should do, but the situation is affecting my asthma and probably thyroid too. I don’t mind being ignored, much better than being shouted and sworn at. I may approach a charity for some help, but will definitely look into applying for PIP as my back has got worse not better and doctors have tried to help, but nothing really is. Also my mental health is being negatively affected (as are a lot of other people with the pandemic). If I need to, I will use this to help get a place of my own and take things from there. I have spoken to my parents and they are of the same opinion as most on here, he’s abusing me. The problem with getting people to believe that is that he’s very charming with others when meeting them and shows no signs of the behaviour he does with me at home. I can but try!

You don’t even have your own bedroom???

So you are a disabled sofa surfer!!
At least sign onto the council’s housing register.

No, I don’t have my own bedroom. But I know how to apply to the council for housing. And after reading some advice last night I found out I can apply to any council for help with the abuse and they have an obligation to help, so feel a little more positive now and know there is plenty of support if I need it. Let’s see what happens.

Catherine, you will get lots of support here.
You are not the first person to have a less than perfect caree, who feels he has a right to take anything and everything out on his carer.

Thank you. And I’m sure I won’t be the last either. At least I know where to come if I need to vent

Oh dear Catherine, you seem to be in a right kerfuffle.

Lots of points to cover so I will try and keep it brief.

  • For the abuse, look at this website and then look for phone numbers for a local branch. They will do all they can to help you and will always text first before calling. Even if you decide not to move, you can ask them to call you once a week for a quick chat. Just phone them and explain what is going on in your life. They are trained professionals and will help you the best they can.
  • The Council do have an obligation to help but they won’t place you into a flat or house straight away. They will most likely look at a domestic abuse refuge so you are out of the area and away from this person’s coercive behaviour. Depending on the housing stock, they may even put you into a private rented property but anything is better than where you are currently. How old are you? They may even look at supported accommodation or a hostel even!

  • If this friend is in a Council property, how have you sofa surfed for 10 years or have I understood it incorrectly? Has he declared to the Council you are living with him? Have you registered for Council Tax or are you exempt because said person is disabled?

  • If said person is just a friend, I would just pack up and go! Obviously phone the Council first and tell them what is going on so they can place you in a refuge, temporary accommodation or supported accommodation until your head is clearer and you can plan something more long term.

  • I know you have mentioned your family, are you able to break loose from this person and go and live with them for a bit before you look at something more long term maybe? If you had your family with you, hopefully they will support you a bit.

Well done for coming on here and having a rant and speaking up about it all. Domestic abuse is an awful thing to experience and a lot of people think if they keep quiet, it will go away but it never does. Look at the website and start phoning. Make an excuse and say you are off to feed the ducks if said person gets awkward with you. Good luck!

I think you know what you have to do, but plucking up the courage to do it is another matter.
The previous poster gave some excellent advice about how to get started.
The thing that really made me angry about your situation is that you sleep on the sofa while Sir has a bedroom.
This sounds like this is an incidence of coercive control and Citizens Advice may also help with what to do.
Change is possible, but nothing will change unless you change things by taking small steps forward .
My heart goes out to you and I hope this forum is some help and support for you