New here

Hi I’m new here don’t know what am doing. :wink: I’m a carer for my father in law, since October 2019 he doesn’t do anything for himself only gives criticism all the time. My freedom is gone out of the window. My husband gets frustrated with his dad’s behavior and goes to see his friends and I have to stay home all the time. I’m so angry at my husband but most of all am so lonely. I never have a break from this house. You see I don’t have any family or friends, unfortunately I fell out with most of my friends and my whole family over my husband, but honestly now I start to believe I don’t even matter to anyone! Only for cooking and cleaning and care for his dad. We don’t have a social life together, he has a social life away with his friends. Me well I don’t have friends. I don’t have money either always on pocket money. I don’t know what am doing anymore, am ready to pack my bags and leave for good, the only thing that is stopping me is the fact we have a 9 year old daughter and none is her fault. I don’t know what to do anymore, my husband doesn’t care about my feelings, his friends and family only take the Mick of me and I get criticized all the time.
I gave up so much so his dad wouldn’t end up in a home against his will. I was stable in life before I moved in here, now I feel am in a whole that I can’t get out of. It makes me cry a lot and regret all my decisions I have made since I met my husband, I should never had got married in the first place, being a wife, and a carer 24/7 is not for me am going crazy here. Please are anyone that can help me, I need to get out more make new friends, maybe join a club or clubs if I don’t I don’t know what am going to do. Thank you x

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. If I am honest, and don’t get me wrong here or take offense, it sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. From what you have said he doesn’t treat you well (cutting you off from friends/family, criticising you, not spending any time with you, restricting your money, and most of all uses you to take care of his father who doesn’t treat you well either).

I can’t say whether you should go or not, it’s not my place to. But remember you don’t have to care for your father in law - no one can make you - morally or legally. He isn’t your responsibility to give your life up for.

There are services/charities for women who can help if you feel your relationship has become abusive.

Sending hugs

I agree.

What is medically wrong with father in law?
Who owns the house where you live?

Hi Bowlinnbun
My father in law have maniac depression, Ocd and alzheimers. He doesn’t do nothing for himself. My husband gives him personal care. My father in law is a difficult man to deal with. The house is my father in law.
Thank you

Are social services or anything involved with your father in law? If it hasn’t been done already a needs assessment should be done to get support for him.

So sorry to hear of your situation but a word of warning. Please if you and your husband are both under 60 it is important to realise that the family home could be sold to pay for any residential care that FIL may need in the future. If he has Alzheimers there is a good chance he may need residential care at some point in the future so please look into the finer points of funding residential care or you may both end up in a very difficult situation.

You do NOT HAVE TO DO A THING for father in law.

For your husband to swan off and leave you to it is disgraceful.
Why don’t you swan off shopping one day too?
What can father in law do? Absolutely NOTHING.

Please ask Social Services to do a Carers Assessment for you - not at home, somewhere that you can talk freely - so that yo can look at the support you need.

Has Father in Law had a recent Needs Assessment from Social Services?
Does he have over £23,000 in savings?
Are there any other children, or just your husband?

Would I be right in thinking that you may not originate from the UK? That’s fine, please don’t take offence at the question, it just helps us give appropriate advice. I’m sure we can help you to make things a lot better for you, but it may take a few questions first.

How old is father in law? How old are you and your husband?