Struggling to cope with daughter who has BPD

My daughter is 20 and suffers with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, and borderline personality disorder.
We have struggled to get her help for over 6 years now and this is exacerbated by her not attending appointments, not trying to help herself and not accepting any help.
I asked her to move out 2 years ago when I had to move myself as she was regularly becoming more and more abusive, locking me in rooms, punching me etc. Then I discovered she had stolen my pain relief for gall bladder blockage ( I was awaiting surgery several months and in acute pain ) and was addicted to that. Leaving me with no pain relief during an acute attack which required hospital admission.
She moved in with her boyfriend and we stayed in touch with her staying with me for a few days at a time on visiting as they lived a couple of hours away. Then after a few months she refuses to leave, she was desperately unhappy and wanted to end their relationship. I said that I didn’t think I could live with her permanently due to her behaviour and my flat was too small. I let her stay on the understanding that she looked for somewhere else and I would help her.
She never left and my health deteriorated- I have ME and lost my mobility and a lot of independence. I ended up staying weekends with my partner who helped me and weekdays at home - which was often stressful - walking on eggshells. The frequent stress was stopping me from getting well. Between my partner and I and my M.E. specialist we decided to work towards me moving in with my partner and letting my daughter take in the flat. Preparing her for living in her own place - all set up with my furniture etc.
I moved out over a few months slowly getting her used to longer spells alone - I only live a mile away.
I finally moved fully 2 months, although a lot of my belongings are still there.

Problem is that she has deteriorated. She refused to sort benefits out for herself, didn’t attend appointments, rarely saw me. She repeatedly said she could not cope so I offered help and ended up sorting benefits etc but she still hadn’t sorted her bills even though I’ve registered her for most of them and all she needs to do .
I worked out and written down a budget sheet and instructions for her too.
She has been very low and anxious, and has started taking codiene and cannabis again which is worrying. She says she wants to stop and us trying.
I’ve found places locally she can go to for help with addiction, help with bpd and even a new couple of possible friends - her age online but local , one who has learned to cope well with bpd and wants to help her. I’ve found an art therapy group for her as she loves art - she liked it on visiting but won’t go. I’ve encourage her to try talking Therapies and she insists she wants to but never gets round to it.

Problem is she expects someone to wave a magic wand and help her with everything and no amount of chatting and sharing info will make her realise that she can help herself.

She is currently not washing/ showering, not eating properly, just zoning out on drugs all day every day. Not looking after herself at all. The one time she let me in the flat I the last two months it was filthy - and I mean crawling, full of flies - loads of them. She has vomited and not cleaned it up was sleeping in a bed that was full of rubbish and rotting food piled on it( my partner filled 8 bags of rubbish from her bed alone so she had a clean place to sleep at least- then she freaked out and wouldn’t let us help clear any more. We had to calm her and leave. She agreed to let us help a few days later but refused to let us in each time.

I finally got her to see a mental health practitioner today and it’s a years waiting list for therapy although she will see her again for a more in depth assessment and to see if she can offer her some short term help in the mean time. Problem was that she lied as she was embarrassed - I encouraged her to open up about most aspects which is a start I suppose. But she told the nurse that I was lying about how she was living!

So on accompanying her home she was angry about having to wait a year for therapy ) despite the fact that she has refused it before and not attended). She started trying to provoke an argument and would not stop. We met my partner at his car near her flat and she was still pushing to argue but I wasn’t being provoked. I said let’s hug and say goodbye for today and not argue but she started on my partner. He tried really hard to listen and help her calm but she had none of it and proceeded to grab me by the hair and try to drag me out of the car screaming at me - my partner pushed between us to stop her and it ended with us just driving off

We have since had awful texts telling me I am no longer her family and she is going to kill herself and it’s my fault.
I’ve not reacted.
Her boyfriend who lives in another city as talked with her and she eventually calmed down

Problem is that I am ill too and I am at the end of my tether after years and years of manipulative behaviour and abuse. She is a lovely person apart from this side of her and I love her dearly - I’ve tried everything to help her.
I have recently discovered a new treatment that might help me recover but it involves tackling my body’s maladaptive stress response and I need to reduce stress as well as learn better strategies to deal with it. I need to literally plan every single thing I do each day and pace it all out. I have a chance to be well and I am going to grab it and try everything to stick to it all. I’ve explained this to my daughter last week and sent her the videos as it could also help her.
But basically I need to put myself first - now as I’m in a crash and continued stress could make my health even worse. It’s vital that I get into a healing state and try to get well. This means she has to take response her own life and decisions, she will have to deal with the consequences of her own actions or lack of action.
I feel so bad backing off. But I am not abandoning her. I will happily get together a couple of times a week to do something together ( not that she has agreed to in recent months) and will still be supportive but will not be her carer. Unfortunately my health had changed to the pint that I now need a carer myself - but hopeful I can improve my health to the pint I won’t need help.

If anyone has read all this thank you.
I just don’t know where to turn at present. My partner is wonderful and I don’t want to burden him with all of this. I feel a need to talk to others in similar positions and see what others would do or what other people’s experiences have been

Autumn wrote [quote}This means she has to take response her own life and decisions, she will have to deal with the consequences of her own actions or lack of action. [/quote]

Autumn there is saying on here amongst those who have adult children or family members with MH that it can be very easy to inadvertently enable someone to stay as they are and that the best thing to do is to back off and let them take responsibility, difficult though that is. Don’t feel guilty about putting your own health first (finally!) Giving her all the support in the world hasn’t helped - only she can accept professional help and support.


Is she seeing a therapist? If she won’t allow paid for carers, the only other option is a good care home with experience of mental health issues. Have you had a needs assessment or not?

I made an appointment for her to see a new Mental health practitioner at her GP surgery and she went - possibly only because I insisted on going with her. It was only a 10 minute appointment, during which she lied and told the practitioner that I was lying about what she was managing. The practitioner suggested a much longer assessment appoint, which she agreed to - however she simply did not go. She has not attended any further appointments or reschedueled any. I cannot force her to attend or get help, Ive done all that I can to encourage her to seek help and attend appointments, but over the years a consistent theme is that she just does not attend.

I know she is not coping looking after herself properly, not eating well, financially etc etc But after years and years of trying every avenue that I can and her choosing to accept help and go to appointments, I am now at a complete loss as how to help her. Whilst she says she wants help and blames me and anyone else she knows for not helping her, the stark truth is that she wont help herself and wont go to any type of appointment regularly.

For my own health I have to stop constantly worry about her and accept that she is making her own choices in life. But some of her choices still affect me and my partner who is her landlord - she hasnt paid the rent she owes him for the last 3 months despite having plenty of money in her bank. I have not been able to move my belongings out of the flat we shared as she wont let me into the flat - she keeps coming up with excuses - but I know the reason is that she does not want me to see how she is living again. I literally dont know how to get my belongings without asking the police for advice, which could just make things worse - but I need many of my belongings - I cannot earn any money at present because she has all my equipment and stock for my business - its so frustrating.

Hi, you have just described my daughter and the dreadful situation we are in. I feel trapped, she refuses to do anything to help herself, and we are desperate for her to move out. She hit me and verbally harassed me tonight because I didn’t give her any money (asks every day). All I can say is that you and I are in the same boat

It sounds like you are in the position I was. I actually told my daughter she couldnt move back in with me - that we just could not live together - but she had nowhere to go - so I let her stay in the spare room as long as she went to the council to ask for help with housing as she was homeless - she just didnt keep up her appointments and things went downhill from there. Could you find her a bedsit? That is what I would have done if I had not moved n with my partner.

Its an awful situation.
Its not got much better a month on. I finally got her taking responsibility for her bills and benefits which is something, but she refuses to let me collect my belongings - which includes things I really need and cannot afford to replace ( including all my jewellery making equipment - m only way to make money)
It got bad again this weekend where she rang me and started shouting, blaming me for everything that she can think of that I have ever said that she perceives was said to make her feel bad ( for instance I said that most landlords would not tolerate their property being kept in a filthy state and she risks losing her flat if she doesnt start putting rubbish out and keeping it cleaner. - my partner is her landlord which creates an awkward situation - although he is being very patient and understanding - but she then proceeded to say to him that I said he would evict her - trying to make me look bad in his eyes - one of her latest games.)
I have started my new regime of care to help me to get well which includes good sleep, a very strict diet regime, rest every day until I have no symptoms and then a further couple of months of complete rest to allow my body to finally heal, then starting to very very slowly increase physical and mental activity ( literally by a few steps or few minutes each day) In all this I have to avoid any stress - as stress can cause a crash and put me back several months, meaning starting all over again. Stress can literally change the shape and flexibility of red blood cells within minutes/hours - and mine are already altered by my illness - but the result is that they cant get through capillaries - causing even worse symptoms. Ive explained all this to my daughter and asked her to foster good relationships with people she can approach when stressed instead of me in coming months - such as an aunt she was close to, friends etc. I have now been accused of making her feel more alone, isolated and making her feel as if she has caused my illness for years. I have explained that she has not caused it but stress most definately causes cashes and worsenning symptoms- and my specialist has instructed me to avoid stress. But in truth, the pure hell she has put me through over the last 5 years has most definately contributed heavily to my symptoms and caused crashes. In fact the only period Ive done well was when she lived in another county and the constant stress stopped for a few months - I started to get well. I quite literally have no choice but to distance myself from the stress she brings - my body quite literally goes into fight or flight as soon as she starts. Such as yesterday she screamed that she was going to kill herself on a particular day later this month!!! All I am getting is guilt trips - as she tells me that I promised to always be there for her and now Im not going to be, tells me that I never listen to her and never actually help her.

I am having to work out some strategies to deal with any future situations and write them down for myself as my cognitive functioning is incredibly poor at present (one symptom that occurs during a crash). I have contacted 2 family members and explained the situation and asked if they could please connect with her and support her while I try to get well. I cannot help her whilst I am this unwell myself and almost all interaction with her is resulting in arguments and stress which is not god for either of us. So I am putting myself first. I have given her all the tools I can to help herself - given her lists of groups and people who can help, put her in touch with a local girl her age who has the same illness but managing to overcome her illness (they have lots in common), told her about resources including info online, in books in local support groups etc. given her tonnes of ideas to help her to enjoy hobbies or meet people etc. Started off appointments with the local counselling services and mental health practitoner. I am not abandoning her - I will see her if she can respect my boundries, treat me like a human being and not play her games - if I am well enough.