Well he too is eating chocolate, and biscuits; normally out of my site but I can tell because they are disappearing and I’m not eating them! He also takes his medication himself. I’ll see what his psychiatrist has to say on Tuesday as he was the one that got him admitted last time when the home treatment team didn’t think it was necessary.
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@Kazzac It sounds as if you may have a potential source of support in the psychiatrist? Do you think they WANT us to think they are not eating as a form of control and/or attention seeking?
@selinakylie I hope so! Yes most definitely, I see a great deal of Rs behaviour about attention seeking and control. When I wonder to myself whether his mental illness is real or not I frequently come to the conclusion that either way he’s got some form of mental illness because to go to all the lengths he goes to just for attention, control or as a form of blackmail he has to be mental!
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@Kazzac Yes I feel similar but E is 86 but on and on he goes. He nearly died when he had the acute on chronic brain heamatoma in 2013, then the kidney issues/ suspected Sepsis in 2017 followed by the lung clot in 2021. But on and on he goes…his behaviour is not ‘normal’ though or acceptable.
What situations we find ourselves in. You like me must ask ‘how did it come to this?’ I know you’ve said that your husband used to drink, does he still drink? Is that making it more difficult, the fact that he can no longer drink but wants to or that he still is and the consequences of that. My husband had sepsis a while back, I only wish now that I hadn’t acted as fast as I did and got him to hospital…that’s so awful to say but I mean it!! Does E threaten suicide at all? R does but it’s all talk, he constantly says he wants to die, can’t carry on but it’s all attention seeking. He’s only 73 so there’s no way I can wait for nature to take it’s course, I think he will outlive me! You say you aren’t prepared to lose your home and cats and for a long time I felt that about my home but now…well I can put up with being much poorer if I manage to find some peace of mind and contentment. My problem remains though…getting him out!!
Hello
Yes he used to drink a litre of vodka a day at his worst. When I met him he was drinking at least 2 bottles of wine a day. I was amazed when we got married and he did this on a working night as I honestly thought he only drank like this at weekends. He has cut down a huge amount though or he would be dead by now.
I too often wonder if I had not got chatted to the nurse when he had the blood tests - he was on acitretin. He had been very quiet and I did say this to her - she expedited the test and I got a call from his GP at 4pm. His kidney function was 7 and anything below 15 is ‘failure’ . A paramedic came out and took him in. If the test had not been expedited I think he would have died or been on dialysis. So I think your feelings are 'normal;
No leaving is not an option for me but remember he is 13 years older than your husband with co morbidities. I no longer go the extra mile as in ‘chasing him round the house with eye drops and medication’. I prompt but only 2 max 3x. Losing my home and cats frankly would mean I would have no will to live so I have to find the strength to cope. I have to carve a life out for myself even though he gets upset. But he is old now hopefully he will sleep more and more. Not sure he would survive hospital as the deafness is a real issue and as I do not drive I would not visit or only be able to visit once a week max.
Yes I do not think you nor I deserve this. I am lucky in the fact that I have relatively good health. I lived on my own from the age of 16 - A levels done at evening classes so I am much harder than I initially appear - I am a size 6 and 5ft 5. I have found some good local friends. I HATE feeling controlled and always having ‘one eye on the clock’ and yes I really do wish he dies alone in hospital and scared and frightened because that is how I have felt during so much of the last 15 years. The marriage went downhill probably from 2005/6 because when we retired he did struggle and would not consider vol work. I worked at the National Trust. He fell out with all the neighbours in our apartment block. Maybe I should have left then but I was so very isolated as we lived a mile from the nearest village and I did not drive and had no friends. I have ‘fought back’ though and will continue to carve a life out for myself and do my very best to care up to a certain point.
Cyber hugs. Wish I could offer more constructive advice but there are a lot of us here in similar situations.
@Kazzac sorry to hear he is back home. He is just like my husband. He is not eating, but sweets, biscuits go missing. Tells his mental health worker he just doesn’t want to eat, but when I make my dinner and ‘leave’ some because ‘I am full’ he clears the plate. Cries, stares into space, not washing, and I feel this is to get attention too.
It will be so hard to get him to go once the house is in your name, if indeed that happens. He would have to sign it over, I assume. He may become more engaged with his surroundings then, or (being cynical I know) is he trying to get to a stage where he doesn’t have capacity to sign legal documents??
Hard to cut off, when you are so used to caring, but you must be strong to focus on what you need. I find it hard not to feel judged when he tells medics he isn’t eating, washing etc. but it is not our job to do this. If we loved them it may be different but when you don’t it just creates resentment.
Keep strong, hugs
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@Tiredanne You are so right! I feel judged too by the medical profession. But HE is capable of putting cream on his legs and eyedrops in his eyes and his Hearing Aids in. I put the tablets out and prompt several times. I also prompt re the inhalers. I am working VERY hard on disengaging and constantly ask myself what a paid carer would do when he is non compliant. I cannot MAKE him change his incontinence pads - only suggest he does it and make the packet easily visable.
@Kazzac It is very very hard and I think you need legal advice with regard to getting him out. One option might be if he went into hospital again, is to refuse to take him back and cite YOUR mental health. OK not easy if the home is in joint names. I really do urge you to see a solicitor.
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@selinakylie @Tiredanne
Thank you both for caring, without this forum I would feel so much more alone. When R was last in hospital he agreed to my request to sign the house over to me after an aborted attempt to put the house on the market (the estate agent advised strongly against it due to potential future legal challenges around Rs mental capacity!)
I asked R to check with his medical team whether they were able to confirm his mental capacity. He said he had and they had advised because he was going through treatment at that time they were unable to say one way or the other!
Meanwhile I had spoken with solicitors and had received varying advice and estimates running into many thousands as to how much a post nuptial agreement and/or a separation agreement would cost plus the cost of transfer of equity. As I was also advised that neither agreement would be legally binding but might help my case if it was to go to court, I declined!
I was able to prepare documents from the Land Registry myself with the help of a bit of research and ID verification via an online solicitor (who were excellent by the way). R duly signed the relevant papers and I waited…
At his discharge planning meeting to which I was invited I asked his consultant psychiatrist about Rs mental capacity. She confirmed that there was no doubt R had mental capacity to make decisions, financially and otherwise ( and had throughout his stay in hospital!). I asked if I could have that in writing and she agreed. When I got home I sent off the documents to the Land registry and the transfer is now going through… expedited at my request which was approved!
To say that this has been a very stressful period would be a vast understatement but I’m still in there and fighting☺️
R is now trying everything to get me to give him another chance. He’s refusing to accept we have to live separately and has retreated into his illness. His CPN kind of agrees without actually agreeing that if I were to say to R that we didn’t have to separate his current depression and near catatonic state would miraculously improve! He described R had suffering from something to do with dependency and avoidance, can’t recall what exactly!
So I now have to withstand Rs attempts to wear me down…it would be so easy to concede, the madness would stop for a while. But it would return! Because I know that I will not be persuaded…not this time. Phew, what a long post, if you’re still reading, thanks 
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@Kazzac Glad to hear you have taken legal advice. I know it is very complicated. I actually own the house we live in but in fairness E’s pension has paid for most of the upkeep over the years. So he would have a 50% claim if we got divorced. I think if I got to breaking point and he was in hospital, I could try to refuse to have him back. But it would depend on how much care he was ‘deemed’ to need. I think I would have to let him back and then just NOT do any caring which is fine in theory, but hard to implement.
So I totally ‘get’ it is not black and white even with solicitors advice. I think the CPN is ‘out of order’. No way should YOU have to be emotionally blackmailed in caring for him.
Hopefully others will come along but I would say ‘stick to your guns’ and try to disengage as much as you can.
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@Kazzac fantastic that you got the confirmation of capacity and the documents all completed. You have done amazingly. Just proves how strong and capable you are, despite all the pressures. He may still have a claim on the house based on any contributions he made to the purchase, based on trust interests. That may be a money pit of legal advice but you have done all you can for now. I wonder if he would also sign over his equity in the property? At the moment it seems he may not have capacity with his current depression. He is playing a game with you it seems.
He will be charming, he has done that before hasn’t he. You have recognised this and it will make you stronger. You have done so well, don’t lose sight of how amazing you are
Sending hugs
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@Kazzac You really sound as though you’ve been through an emotional wringer, and my heart goes out to you.
Well done for sticking to your guns in the face of so much emotional pressure from R. So far as the CPN is concerned, they can only comment on R’s mental state ‘as is’, and should not be offering their opinion as to the fact that his ‘near catatonic state would miraculously improve’ if you were to change your mind about separating, because that puts unwarranted emotional pressure on you.
With regard to R, you could try something called the ‘broken record’ technique, where you just repeat the same answer over and over in response to requests to reconcile. “You know what we’ve discussed, you know what we’ve agreed, I’m not going back on that”… or something similar along those lines. It’s hard work, wearing, and at times you will feel tempted to give in (anything for a quiet life)…but at those times, remind yourself what it is like once the ‘honeymoon period’ is over and R reverts to the normal state of his illness, which from what you have written, sounds likely once he knows he’s got his own way.
Sending good wishes to you to stay strong.
EEG
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@Kazzac….stay strong and listen to your head, it sounds like you’re doing the right thing for you. I’ve just done a transfer in ownership from
Joint tenants to tenants in common so my daughter will inherit half our property if anything happens to me.
Thank you all who responded to my recent posts, not quite sure what I would do without your support and encouragement. I’m off out for a few hours now so will post again later xx
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