@Kazzac
Enjoy your break. I am at the start of what has been an horrendous journey for you. Just at the start of the manipulation being so blatant. I am realising it has actually happened for years, and it was always easier just to accept it.
I still love the person he was but I really cannot understand the person he seems to be now. And he wants to be. It is coercion isn’t it. I am not going mad.
I am just not prepared to give up my life now. Be strong and you have been through so much, you deserve to be happy
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@Kazzac….stay strong, it’s not an easy journey but it will get better with time.
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@Tiredanne….its hard to watch someone change and them not wanting to do anything about it. You shouldn’t have to give up your life. Sometimes what’s being asked of you is too much and you do have to think of your long term future. Stay strong.
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@sue24 thanks. I feel so selfish, and people do not understand what living with a person with mental health issues is like. Since his discharge on 26th March we have not seen one NHS mental health worker. I am lucky in having friends who support me but I have to close the door each day and be here with this person I do not recognise.
This is giving me strength
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@Tiredanne….nobody knows what it’s like unless they’re in your position. It’s not selfish to want to look after yourself. That’s a long time to have to cope alone with no support. I’m glad you have supportive friends but that’s not enough. You have to do what’s right for you.
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@Tiredanne It is so hard, loving and missing the person they used to be and struggling to comprehend the person they have become. The coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail is so real and to me now so apparent. That said it took me years to really recognise the behaviour for what it is. I still do not understand it and never will…I find it quite amazing that he can be a stuttering and shaking wreck one minute and then within seconds challenge in a very coherent and logical way something I happen to say. One example recently was about money (potential division of assets etc). So quickly he calculated and challenged some point I made but moments before he was uncommunicative and frankly pretty well unresponsive…and then in an instant he changed!
For several years I have not been willing to give up my home and life but now in order to protect my own mental health I am accepting that emotional stability and security, that is my mental health, is far more important than financial security.
I too have found this forum very helpful and supportive, knowing that I’m not alone and that others do understand the struggles we face on a daily basis
You mention not seeing any MH worker since his discharge. Was there no care package put in place? Are you able to contact the hospital to find out about any such care package, one that should have been put in place?
Sending virtual (((((hugs))) Stay strong x
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@Kazzac It is so helpful to read your account, I actually slept well last night as I felt that I was not going mad. I recognise exactly what you are saying. We worked together to build a financially secure world and I worry that I will lose this and have to keep working if we split. I need to get to your place, and seeing your story is helping set out the map for me.
When I begged the hospital not to discharge him they said the Crisis Team would call then the CMHT would take over. One visit the day after discharge, a name given to us for a ‘dedicated’ support worker. That is four weeks ago and we have not heard from them at all.
I ring, call 111#2 and just get a phone call from someone random who talks to him and then promises messages will be passed on.
My GP is useless and it is the feeling of abandonment that is frustrating. I spoke to the hospital and they just told me that he is under the care of CMHT.
Your hugs are appreciated and I will be strong like you eventually. x
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@Sue24 thank you. He keeps saying ‘but you’re my wife’ but I say I am not his carer (although officially I have had the assessment, no money but it gets me things like booster and flu jabs etc and I joined Carefree which gives discounted hotel stays to carers).
I went away for a few days to house sit for my son, who is very supportive, and my husband stopped eating, getting out of bed. My neighbour went into the house and called me worried, saying that ‘they couldn’t leave him like that’. The guilt of me saying you will have to, but I just felt I had to stay strong.
My own mental health is on a knife’s edge and this forum is so helpful in feeling that I am right to protect myself.
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@Tiredanne I know what you mean about feeling abandoned by the NHS. My husband is so medically non compliant. It is a real challenge to get him to take his medication and I have totally given up re his inhalers. I have had to disengage partially for my own sanity. Is it worth writing to your GP stating he is a vulnerable adult and you will no longer be providing care as it is affecting YOUR mental health? You do sound at crisis point. My husband is 86 and I am sticking it out as it is the only way I can keep my home and my beloved cats. I see it now as a ‘business relationship; and if I feel stressed with his non compliance, ask myself what a paid carer would do? Bottom line is usually write up in their notes’ medication offered but refused’ and this is what I now do in a special diary.
There are no easy answers in your situation but you do have a right to a life of your own. I am so glad that your son is supportive. My friends are generally and having to put up with him ‘kicking off’ at my Book Club is the price they pay for being able to see me. But one friend thinks I ought to do more such as put his Hearing Aids in for him and his eye drops. I honestly think unless one has lived in our situation no one can truly understand the stress of being ‘on call’ 24/7. I do get out but make so many compromises such as ‘staying local’ so I can get home quickly if needed as he does sometimes say he is feeling ill and going to call GP when I am on the verge of going out. I always have ‘one eye on the clock’ when out socially with friends. He thinks ‘wives should not go out without husbands’.
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@Tiredanne….Ive heard that phrase as well!! Funny how they turn things in you isn’t it. Mine and my husbands definition of a wife is completely different! His behaviour sounds very controlling, to go to bed and refuse to eat or get out of bed while you’re away for a few days is awful. I remember booking a short weekend break abroad with my daughter when P was in the physio rehab centre and him getting angry with me that I was going away without him!! He said that I knew he’d always wanted to go there and that we could have gone together, despite it being impossible for him to travel, he couldn’t even get in and out of a car. I’d also been away to this place a few years before and he’d never expressed a wish to go there before! I’ve never felt as depressed and low as I did before P moved into a carehome, it’s so important to plan for what you want. Stay strong 
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@Sue24 You are an inspiration. I totally get the challenges you have been through and to a degree, are still going through. But you do give me hope that there is a life out there for women like me and others on this thread.
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@selinakylie…ahh bless you. I sometimes feel that I’m not contributing much on here as I’m not going through anywhere near what you or the others are now. You’re amazingly strong, I don’t know how you’ve done what you have for so long. Hopefully things will get better for you in the not so near future.
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@selinakylie I think you are right to think what would a paid carer do. My husband is 66 and I am 64, I just think I have a lot of life to live and it will be like prison to be here with him. I feel like you, I do the essentials. He is not eating so I offer food every day, he refuses and I just accept that.
I think your friend who thinks you should do more is wrong, they can say this move on and back to their life but you are there with it all the time. It is so good to have this forum where those of us who are dealing with it 24/7 know that it isn’t just putting in hearing aids, eye drops, this is the giving up on your right to life because of their actions.
My husband also has the not being well threat if I am going out, he is currently crying on the sofa behind me because I go out today to help at a local charity. It won’t work. Sending you all my love, and those lovely cats x
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@Sue24 yes, it is controlling. My friends can see it. I was thinking last night about when I went to care for my mum, when I had to move in to care for her in her last weeks. My husband went home and never once called me, well once to ask where I had put something he couldn’t find. I was away for four weeks and not a word.
I am taking such inspiration from the stories here and the support you are all giving @Kazzac @selinakylie
And you are doing a lot by being here, as you are supporting us when we feel alone
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@Tiredanne….I totally understand how you feel, that’s how I felt, I’m 55 and P is 59. You can’t force someone to help themselves if they’re not willing to. Keep going out and building some sort of life for you outside of the home. At one stage P was calling me at work to say he wasn’t well, one time I just turned round and said if you’re that unwell call an ambulance and he did! I went home and the paramedics checked him and said he was fine!
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@Sue24 @Tiredanne @bowlingbun @selinakylie Reading your comments reiterates I am doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is going to be. I have just turned 70 and the final straw for me was recalling the state my husband was in on my 50th birthday when he was incapable of leaving the house due to his anxiety and depression and my brother took pity on me and took me out for dinner! 20 years later on my 70th husband was in a similar state only worse!!! That’s what did it for me, I only wish I had had the courage to leave 20 years ago!
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@Kazzac…life’s too short, you don’t know what’s round the corner. luckily the choice was taken out of my hands as P called social services a year ago and they put him in a carehome before now moving him to an assisted living flat. It made it easier for me to say I didn’t want to go back to living as we were.
It will be tough for you but you’ll know in your heart of hearts if it’s the right thing for you.
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@Tiredanne I am 63 so similar age but husband is 86 on Saturday.
@Sue24 You DO contribute to the Forum by offering support and also giving us hope that we can and will have a better life one day. You have a lot of empathy as you have been in our position.
@Kazzac It is weird about your 50th. My husband totally ruined my 60th Birthday Lunch which my Civil Service lump sum paid for . I had asked a few friends to join us. He started off saying if one friend he had fallen out with came, he would get a taxi home if she hugged him and he would not sit next to her. Thankfully she cancelled as was not well. He then made my friend and hairdresser cry by challenging her on the chemicals used on my hair - he has taken almost everything away but he ain’t going to take away my long blonde hair. He then had an arguement with another friend. When we got back I took the flowers round to my neighbour as I wont risk flowers in the house due to the cats. He then left keys in the lock so I could not get back in. My neighbour had to come round and persuade him. I did not even get a birthday card. In the evening he kept saying ‘stab me stab me I know you want to’. I can only think it was jealousy that caused this but it was very very sad. When we went out to lunch a few weeks ago, a lady said how nice I looked as we were waiting for the taxi and that she loved my coat. When home, husband immediately ordered bolts for the door as he said I was making us a ‘target’ by dressing up. He has still not fitted them. He has also told me off for doing my hair and makeup when I get the paper. I honestly think he would have me wearing a burka if he could. It is all about ‘control’ and he cannot bear to think that I friends. He only controlled me as long as he did by complete isolation as we used to live in a penthouse a mile from the nearest village and he had fallen out with all the neighbours. If I had had female friends when he went into hospital with the brain heamatoma, I would NOT have had him back as his behaviour was mega abusive
But I make the most of what I have now - a few close friends, relatively good health and my beloved feline family who frankly are the reason I get up in the morning and stay with this abusive bully.
Stay strong ladies. There is hope.
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@Kazzac @Sue24 @selinakylie The stories of their selfish behaviour ruining our lives is so real to me. It is giving me the strength to build strong walls around myself to prevent it taking away more of my life.
When I mention his coercive behaviour they just tell me, ‘he isn’t well’ but this is just more of what has been a lifetime of similar if less dramatic control.
Thank you all for your support, I feel stronger today x
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@Kazzac you have been so much on my mind when you talked about your husband suddenly being sharp minded when you mentioned dividing your assets. That must have been so awful for you when you have done so much to support him when he is unwell. I know I can’t do much but offering my support. You are too young to waste your life now. You have done all you can and must be strong. Sending all my love x
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