Thinking of divorcing the person I care for

All about caring
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I’m thinking of divorcing my wife, we’ve been married for the best part of 20 years and I’m nearly 60. We live in Scotland. After we married she realised I had a form of autism, I’d no idea. Things were never the same and for a few years I was bordering on being a beaten husband. She can still get nasty to me but is bipolar so there are OK days too. I try to avoid spending time with her.

She is very overweight and needs hip and knee replacements but is way too big for the op. She can’t pee without my help to wipe her so I can’t leave her for more than a few hours. Local NHS are brilliant, we are very lucky. She gets all sorts of other problems and is on morphine and other drugs.

I run my own business and am lucky to work from home. Not being able to leave her is affecting the business. She has no friends or relatives to help her, nor do I. She has bad OCD and won’t let anyone other than me help, so no respite care. She drove off most of my friends when we married.

I bought our house years before I met her. It’s my dream home in my dream place. If I had to move away I’d commit suicide first. With the local housing market there is zero chance of me getting anywhere. I earn way less than I used to, partly because I’m just worn out and don’t care. House is all paid for and I have no debts or loans. I just want to retire quietly.

She worked for about three months after she moved in but nothing since. My business pays her a small wage but she doesn’t do anything. I dread every day with her. I’ve also had to spend tens of thousands supporting her relatives over the years.

I don’t know what would happen to her if we divorced. She would need extensive daily care and with her OCD it’d be a nightmare for her. She can’t get up stairs so I don’t know what would happen about housing, she may need a care home but is only in her 40s.

I’ve no idea what I’d have to contribute to her care but I only pay myself £1500 a month as I’m semi-retired and have a few health issues of my own.

I see no way she could be looked after without me and I worry she’d take her own life. Currently she has zero quality of life and hasn’t known a day without pain in a decade.

But I just don’t want her in my life anymore. She is killing my mental health and I fell out of love with her not long after the wedding. Looking back I can’t understand why I married her. The wedding was almost called off and I was elated that I might not have to go through with it.

Two of my friends said, “don’t worry, she might die soon”! That sounds terrible and it’s the last thing I’d want. But it shows what other folk think.

I’m no angel. I’m told my autism is hell to live with and I’m sure she’s right. I know many marriages with autistic partners break down. I’m very high functioning technically but my emotional intelligence is poor.

I think I’m stuck. I can’t risk a divorce and losing my house as that really would mean I killed myself. I thought about doing so quite a lot a few years ago. If we split up I think she’d take her life, I can’t ever see her getting the operation she needs so she’d be bed bound and extremely difficult to care for even in a care home. I also worry that her care needs may get even worse as she’s started to have incontinence issues.

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Ultimately, I believe we are all responsible for our own happiness.
Start by investing in counselling, to help work through your feelings and form a plan.
There should be something available via Zoom or similar, not my area of expertise I’m afraid.
It sounds as if your marriage was over long ago.
From what you describe, residential care will be inevitable due to the care she needs.
It’s absolutely not fair to blame you, she has clearly neglected herself for a very long time.

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She found a counsellor for me years ago before she got ill in regards to my autism. We stopped going when the counsellor said most of the problems were down to her and I should consider a divorce and a “friends with benefits” relationship with someone else!
My local doctor is excellent and I’ve talked with him about it. I think I need to see a solicitor to find out about the cost of a divorce. But I’m terrified of her reaction if I go ahead. I also feel I owe her more than just abandoning her.

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Doesn’t she owe you too?
I was widowed nearly 20 years ago, but we always faced problems together, shoulder to shoulder. Life threw some truly awful things at us, but we always worked through them.
What has your wife done for you?

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@clx123 I have to echo BB. You need to see a solicitor. It sounds a complex case and yes, she may be entitled to half the proceeds of the house. I also agree speaking to another counsellor and talking through options might help. Unfortunately she could go on for years. It sounds as if you did divorce then the state would have to step in and help her.

I am in a similar position. I honestly thought when I agreed to care for my husband after his acute on chronic brain heamatoma back in 2013 it would be for a few years but on and on he goes and he is nearly 86. Survived AKI/Sepsis and a Pulm Embolism.

Could you find a way to earn more money through your business? If you were less exhausted build it up?

I am 63 now and my solicitor advised me to ‘wait it out’. I also have my beloved cats so leaving is not an option for me and I see no easy way to get him out. I just pray his needs get to the point where I cannot reasonably be expected to cope with them and/or he goes downhill physically. He too has now developed urinary continence issues. I am glad you have a supportive GP but really you need to speak to a good solicitor and see if there is a way through. What would happen for example if you refused to care for her? Surely then the State would have to provide a home place?

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If you didn’t divorce, but refused to care for her anymore (no one can be forced to care, not even a husband for a wife) and she moved into care, you would NOT have to sell the house to pay for care. Google Charging For Care and look at the .gov pages for details.
It’s very important that you get legal advice from someone who knows these rules very well. Financial assessments can be done individually or jointly.
In your case, you are the main earner, so it would be in your interests for any assessment of ability to care based solely on her income and assets only.
In various ways I’ve been involved with this aspect of care for many years for a long time.
Please regard this as a rough introduction to guide to point you in the right direction, but it’s vital to seek specialist advice.
It’s important to sort this out once and for all. I’m 73 with lots of health issues.
What would happen to both of you if you fell ill?
Doing nothing is a recipe for disaster. If she needs you there even for a wee you are a virtual prisoner in your own home! Enough is enough.

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I really think it is worth getting a Specialist Solicitor. My worry was that if I refuse to care for my husband, the Court of Protection would be invoked or, as is still likely at the moment, he would follow up his threat and divorce me therefore getting half the house due to the length of marriage.

But this situation is different and if the lady has very few assets and could not act for herself as in instigating a divorce then the house may be safe? But it needs specialist input from a Solicitor.

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My understanding is that the rules are different depending on the ages of the relatives remaining in the house. For children, disabled, and over 60’s the value of property may be “disregarded”
For more details, an internet search for “Property Disregard” should bring up the basics on this subject. It’s vital that the chosen solicitor is aware of these rules.

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Nice of selinakylie to mention cats, they are what keep me sane :slight_smile:

Maybe it is time to see a solicitor, if for nothing else than to let me know my options.

I want whatever happens to be fair on my wife too but that seems that it has no way of ending well. That makes me feel selfish. I stayed with my previous partner far too long as they relied on me for money and I wanted to try and make them financially independent before I left, an impossible task.

Thanks to all of you for the kind advice :slight_smile:

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@clx123 Yes I would urge you to speak to a solicitor but try and find one who specialises in this kind of situation. Is your wife deemed to have ‘mental capacity’?
I have 14 cats - Norwegian Forest Cats. Mega failed breeder as none of them every left. I have no children and am an only child. The cats got me through lockdown as I lost everything that I enjoyed - The Wine Club, Rotary and the Book Club and Cat Shows. In happier days, when we semi retired we would show them together.

Before you can make any decisions you need to know the legal implications of divorce. You do sound very unhappy though. Do you have a local ‘Support for Carers’? They may know of local help in your area that might make things a little easier and allow you to ‘escape’ even for a short period.
I am off to the Book Club I chair tonight but have to take husband with me. He can be very disruptive though.

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Mentally she’s fine, maybe better than me! Nothing local as it’s a remote area and she’d be very unhappy I was going to a carers club. That’s one of the other reasons I’m worried about the house, rental properties seldom allow cats and they’re like my children.

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@clx123 Yes reason I did not dare go for an ‘Occupation Order’ in case it failed and the cats and I had to move out not him. But surely your wife’s needs are likely to increase? You really do need to talk to a good solicitor and see if there is a way round it. Would ‘equity release’ be an option? I know you are rather young to go down that route but if you have health issues then they might be taken into account.
My husband has become more and more controlling and it is frankly a nightmare. For me caring is a business arrangement. I do the best I can to work round him being medically non compliant. I prompt re tablets and inhalers and order them for him. I deal with all medical appointments and most phone calls as he is so deaf. I try to keep him safe when he cooks by making sure he has put the hob off. Check his buttocks for bed sores as he sleeps downstairs on a recliner chair. He is nearly 86. Sadly it is the only way I can be sure of keeping the house. It may get to the stage where I refuse to care for him but I am hoping the co morbidities take over first. His deafness is a real issue. Also he has developed some urinary incontinence and wont discuss it. I cannot speak to his GP for him so I really do not know what is going on. I do have a diary and I write everything down that I do including prompting when he refuses to take the pill. The love died due to the mental and occasional physical abuse and tbh the compassion has more or less gone too. He has said that ‘wives should not go out without husbands’. I put the cats upstairs when I go out for short periods. He has said he will chase the cats into the road - they have no road sense being indoors. I would never be able to prove he had done it. But that level of intellectual sophistry and manipulation killed any compassion. The ‘gaslighting’ has been horrific too being told ‘it is my word against yours and no one will believe YOU’.
But I have made a few local friends via the Book Club and I do get out for short periods for a coffee.
Can only reiterate please see a solicitor. Your local
Support for Carers might be able to give basic advice but not legal advice.

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I think you need to get a recording of him saying these things, that’s actively abusive. Surely you could get a restraining order and have him kicked out? That’s mental abuse, clearly. Next time he’s out of the house for any reason I’d just refuse to let him back in as he’s your abuser.

These things are like the frog in the boiling water, they creep up on you. But looking at your situation for the first time it’s clear to me you’re a victim of domestic abuse. You should contact a lawyer and a local support group. Nobody should have to put up with this.

I don’t really have anyone to leave the house to. But it would be nice to spread cash around friends and relatives if I could. At my age equity release isn’t likely to be a good deal. My pension pot isn’t as big as I’d like. I’d thought of equity release as a way of eaking it out much later in life.

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If the only suitable place for your wife is some form of residential care, forget about being fair as the moment she has over £23,000 in assets she will be classed as self funding and have to pay for everything until it’s under £23,000!

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That’s an excellent point, I’d not thought of that. Thanks.

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There is a lot to consider.
You need time to gradually work through things, be sure to make notes somewhere safe, for your eyes only.
Can your partner get into a car to look at various options at some stage, or would she need ambulance transport?
Does she ever use a mobility scooter?
I’m not suggesting any of this is appropriate now, but your reply will help narrow down the options for the future.
Is your home adapted in any way?

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Home isn’t adapted and she doesn’t want it to be. Been around six months since she left the house and she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t drive but can get in and out of a car if needed.

Her OCD means she’d really struggle out of her safe zone. I have never once been allowed to cook a meal for her! She lives off ready meals or things that don’t need to be cooked.

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@clx123 I am perfectly aware it is an abusive relationship and my husband uses coercive control. However do not be ‘fooled’ by the Womens Aid adverts - the conviction rate for coercive control is frankly pathetic. I am not very technical so would struggle to record him. My solicitor who I spoke to on the phone via Covid advised me to
‘wait it out’ . He has nearly died several times so I just do the best I can in my present circumstances. I have done a lot of research into this subject. My husband controlled me by isolating me as when we married I moved away and we lived in HIS penthouse a mile from the village. I did not drive. We ran a business and tbh whilst we worked it was ok but when he retired things changed and he seemed to become more set in his ways and the 23 year age difference really kicked in. The nearly a litre of vodka a day did not help either.
I do not think I am in physical danger although he is substantially heavier than I. But yes, he would be more than capable of breaking my phone and computer.
He does not leave the house now very much and not alone. I go to medical appointments with him as he is so deaf. He got very confused when he went for a scan last year and could not work his mobile to call the taxi.
I will NOT take chances with an Occupation Order if it results me losing my home and cats. There really is no choice but to make the best of the situation and get out as and when I can. Had I known he would still be alive 13 years after the Heamatoma then maybe I would not have had him back. I have to say I have disengaged emotionally and see it as a ‘business relationship’. His pensions pay for the upkeep of the house and some of the cats needs and I do my best to keep him safe and cared for, allowing my pension to grow as I am still a way off state retirement age.
Care needs tend to increase so I would honestly say you MUST speak to a solicitor and also try to get some support. You do deserve a life too.

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I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. It sounds just terrible. But you’re so lucky to have the cats to help your mental health. I hope things get a bit easier for you soon. A friend went through a bad time with his dad who was determined not to go to a care home and was a nightmare to deal with. Inside I suppose he was just scared but that didn’t help the folk he hurt.

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@clx123 I think Dementia makes the negative characteristics worse. That said, not have a formal diagnosis yet. I agree that fear and the loss of control contributes but living with it is frankly a nightmare at times. But I have relatively good health and some close local friends and my beloved cats.