I’m thinking of divorcing my wife, we’ve been married for the best part of 20 years and I’m nearly 60. We live in Scotland. After we married she realised I had a form of autism, I’d no idea. Things were never the same and for a few years I was bordering on being a beaten husband. She can still get nasty to me but is bipolar so there are OK days too. I try to avoid spending time with her.
She is very overweight and needs hip and knee replacements but is way too big for the op. She can’t pee without my help to wipe her so I can’t leave her for more than a few hours. Local NHS are brilliant, we are very lucky. She gets all sorts of other problems and is on morphine and other drugs.
I run my own business and am lucky to work from home. Not being able to leave her is affecting the business. She has no friends or relatives to help her, nor do I. She has bad OCD and won’t let anyone other than me help, so no respite care. She drove off most of my friends when we married.
I bought our house years before I met her. It’s my dream home in my dream place. If I had to move away I’d commit suicide first. With the local housing market there is zero chance of me getting anywhere. I earn way less than I used to, partly because I’m just worn out and don’t care. House is all paid for and I have no debts or loans. I just want to retire quietly.
She worked for about three months after she moved in but nothing since. My business pays her a small wage but she doesn’t do anything. I dread every day with her. I’ve also had to spend tens of thousands supporting her relatives over the years.
I don’t know what would happen to her if we divorced. She would need extensive daily care and with her OCD it’d be a nightmare for her. She can’t get up stairs so I don’t know what would happen about housing, she may need a care home but is only in her 40s.
I’ve no idea what I’d have to contribute to her care but I only pay myself £1500 a month as I’m semi-retired and have a few health issues of my own.
I see no way she could be looked after without me and I worry she’d take her own life. Currently she has zero quality of life and hasn’t known a day without pain in a decade.
But I just don’t want her in my life anymore. She is killing my mental health and I fell out of love with her not long after the wedding. Looking back I can’t understand why I married her. The wedding was almost called off and I was elated that I might not have to go through with it.
Two of my friends said, “don’t worry, she might die soon”! That sounds terrible and it’s the last thing I’d want. But it shows what other folk think.
I’m no angel. I’m told my autism is hell to live with and I’m sure she’s right. I know many marriages with autistic partners break down. I’m very high functioning technically but my emotional intelligence is poor.
I think I’m stuck. I can’t risk a divorce and losing my house as that really would mean I killed myself. I thought about doing so quite a lot a few years ago. If we split up I think she’d take her life, I can’t ever see her getting the operation she needs so she’d be bed bound and extremely difficult to care for even in a care home. I also worry that her care needs may get even worse as she’s started to have incontinence issues.