Hallo anyone out there. I am caring for my husband, one I wanted to leave for decades but never did. Just as I thought I might be free (ish) we got the diagnosis, one I knew was lurking in the shadows. For a few years before there had been mini strokes, an upstart of grumps and more ‘I Wants’ and other behaviours that affirmed I am ‘just a wife’. The diagnosis was in 2012 and denied by himself plus a few of our five children. I was over-reacting. Like them, I had no idea what was coming but I did feel the leg chains snatch around my ankles, unlike them.
Now he is almost wheelchair bound. Now he is demanding to stay in his own home. The carers pop in for a friendly and a few simple tasks and I am thankful, but it is I who am failing. After ten years of this, I am exhausted, cold, guilty and tired of being mum to five wonderful kids who are split over their dad. For some he was hard work. for others, not. After almost 2 years of battle, I have today, finally dropped him at the local (2 hours away) care home for a week. He will have forgotten something, I just know it but I have said I will not make the four hour journey again this week. However, and there is always one of those, his son (most favourite) has sorted him out with a dongle thingy for the patchy wifi we enjoy on the island. It didn’t arrive on time, but just did, right now through the rain and via Amy the Post in her flack jacket and wellies. I’m still not going back down there, not when this is my first week home alone in a home I am surprisingly happy to leave. perhaps I should. If I were a wealthy man I would…etc. But I am not. Not a man and not wealthy. It doesn’t stop me desperately searching in my mind for somewhere where I could be cosy and safe and that would be mine. Now, I know that, despite the offer of a place in a home on the mainland, because my husband has strongly (and coherently) stated that he will not leave his own home, I am stuck. Leg chains snatching. He could live for decades. But I will not. I think daily about a polite way to leave this life. What stops me are my five children, including the ones that just don’t get it and who think I should ‘carry on regardless’, and my almost 10 grandchildren. I will not do this. But, where to go? In my head, in my confined days, in my dreams, in my sleeplessness in this endlessness?
Please don’t mention the following list:-
I have talked about how I feel for so long, even I am bored with it, with me. But, and this is different, I am feeling all of my 66 years and this man who has always been selfish and controlling is now getting the better of me. He always got my best, but I won’t give that of myself again. If he says I am cold, he is right. If he mocks, I say nothing. If he rejects, it hurts as it has done for almost 50 years, but I can take my (ridiculous) hurts to a safe place inside. There is no reasoning with him. No time, ever, when he took responsibility for his part in my marital pain. He can’t even acknowledge what I do for him now. It is as it is. I accept that, even if I know I am a strong, funny beautiful woman with a fine heart.
Thank you for listening you fellow carers. Tell me about you. I am bored stiff with me. x