Hello hello

Hi everyone,

Obviously, I’m new here so, hello. I’m 31, living in Yorkshire and have unexpectedly become a carer. It wasn’t a choice and we’ve never outright agreed it, but I am a carer to our 20 year old friend who lives with me and my husband (he is in the forces and is away a lot). I have health issues myself, including epilepsy, depression and anxiety. I became a carer last year when a friend from a pagan group explained their student housing contract was running out that week and they had nowhere else to go. We had only met them twice beforehand but couldn’t stand the thought that someone just 19 was going to become homeless because they couldn’t face going back to their abusive mother, so we offered them the spare room until they could sort something out. It quickly became apparent that they were unable to look after themselves properly and had an array of mental health issues. So I started caring for them, cooking, cleaning up after them, sorting paperwork and appointments and just generally being an ear and a shoulder. But things are getting increasingly difficult and I’m hoping that this is place that I can vent and get advice.

Hi McBreen,

You must not let this situation become permanent. The person concerned is an adult and must take responsibility for themselves. Help him/her to find the support they need, but set a clear deadline for departure. You need to put yourself first.

Hi and welcome

Is your friend still a student? The college/university should have student services in place for housing and mental health issues. Even if your friend is not a student any longer the college may be able to give you some pointers to helpful local organisations. If not, try Shelter or Mind.

I agree that you need to be firm about the situation and not allow it to continue.

Best wishes to you both

Hi McBreen
There is a saying in here that its a fine line between supporting someone to move on in their lives, and over caring by enabling them to stay the same. I think youve fallen into the latter.
So yes, gradullay pull back into a position of support and stop enabling.
What help does this person need most? LIst all the areas and put a prioity to them, then you can start pointing them to the support they need

We’rd here to help support you as its unlikely to be a smooth and easy process


Sometimes other people’s problems are easier to deal with than your own and it takes your mind off your own. You might find yourself doing it too one day.

You are going to have to be hard on them otherwise this situation will continue forever. Tell them that you need your spare room back - give them a months notice. If this doesn’t work then you could write a letter to your local council explaining that the two of them are now homeless and will the council find them accommodation. Give the letter to the 2 ‘lodgers’ to give to the council.