Re: crying today (2)

Been feeling really depressed lately, been a carer for over seven years now, had my ups and downs, struggle to handle stressful situations, have had suicidal thoughts in the past, and have recently started thinking about it again, is my life worthwhile, etc, the only person that appreciates me, I believe, is mother at the age of 79 with renal failure since 2012, l also cared for my father and watched him deteriorating and pass away in December 2011, I went through a range of emotions at that time, mostly negative and I seem to have fallen into a negative spiral which I am struggling to get out off, l don’t trust any of my immediate family and have very few friends I have confided in, l had a negative experience yesterday at the churchyard yesterday, and havn’t been able to settle since, I think writing this post, has actually helped me, I don’t know why, I guess it’s a form of release, because of past experiences with charities, even mind, locally and the work capability programme, I have also had a relapse with my arthritis, but don’t even bother going drs anymore, I don’t know what my future holds.
Thanks in advance for, reading :frowning:

Hi Sean,

I have also have a few very, very low points as a carer. My life changed forever when my son was brain damaged at birth. I try to do my best for him, and try to look after myself, but I know it’s when I’m really utterly shattered that the bad thoughts creep in.

Are you sure you and mum are getting all the benefits and help you are both entitled to from Social Services?
When did you last have a complete, 2 week break?

Hi Bowlingbun, thanks for the reply, l recently had a week break, l was ok, but to be honest, l don’t enjoy them , I feel guilty, which is common, I think im not really happy with the way life is anymore, especially, with the environment created by this government and the fact my immediate family, havnt supported me in my obligation to mother, looking forward, how I’m going to build a life, the prospects arnt good, mother is adament we don’t need any help, my sister helps , but she has a grandchild to look after , I didn’t know we were entitled to help of social services , its been a struggle, but you know, you’ve living with it to, l honestly don’t know what the answer is, in these circumstances, thanks again, l like many others just soldier on :wink:

Sean, I had counselling when I was very low, and I learned not to feel guilty about what I didn’t do, but to feel proud, very proud, about what I did for my mum.

Can you clarify where you live? Do you have a home of your own, or live with mum?
If you live with mum, does she own her home, or rent it from the council or housing association?
I’m not being nosey, the answers are really important for your future.

Hi Sean, I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling depressed and suicidal lately. It’s heartening to read that you’ve found it quite cathartic sharing your post here on the forum. Opening up can make all the difference. Organisations such as CALM (which supports men specifically battling with suicidal thoughts) and Samaritans are good organisations to turn to when you feel like you’re struggling. I’ve included their details below. There is also an app called Stay Alive which you may find useful and want to download.

Have you spoken to your GP about how you’re feeling? They could help refer you to counselling. Also, to piggyback off bowlingbun’s helpful suggestion, it’s important that you look into what additional support and benefits you’re entitled to. If you haven’t already taken a Carer’s Assessment, you might want to consider doing so. Information on Carers Assessment can be found here: Carer's assessment | Carers UK You can get in touch with our advice team if you have any questions (0808 808 7777 (Mon & Tues 10am-4pm) or

Please do stay in touch and let us know how you get on. Wishing you all the best.

CALM’s helpline is for men in the UK who are down or have hit a wall for any reason, who need to talk or find information and support. It’s open 5pm - midnight 365 days a year.
0800 58 58 58
0808 802 58 58

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Bowlingbun, I am also frightened, In 20011 before my father passed , I went to see my local MP about the persecution of vulnerable people, the then business secretary office, Vince Cable, had replied to an email, I had sent him, I had also had another health relapse as I was diagnosed with chronic deterioration of the spine in 2005, he saw me, and wrote to a Harry Knowles who was then head of an organisation called furness Enterprise, and l never did receive a reply from him, he also before he resigned from the Labour assigned me a case worker, to try and silence me, I was also parked by A4e for two years when they stopped my benefits and the fact my father’s health was deteriorating, I believe, l had a breakdown when my father died, I went to mind for help, where I saw a councillor and told her the above, she told, not to keep putting my head above the parapet, or they would chop it off, l complained to minds head office, and they asked me to go back but I never did, l went to citizens advice instead, who contacted my surgery as a letter I had paid for off them hadn’t mentioned l was struggling with my mental health, on top of my other problems, they saved my life at that time, l live in Cumbria, were there is a strong (business community) my mother does own her own house, l am married but my name is not on the deeds, because of business fraud when my children were 2&3 , I know how corrupt the world is, especially locally, because of my life experience, l don’t trust anymore l have also spent most of my life savings, maybe you understand, may be not, l have no where else to turn, but to my maker, amen

Sean, I’ve had 10 carees in the last 40 years, I do understand just how much things can get on top of you.
Twice I was within seconds of just turning the car away from home and just keep driving, to find somewhere, anywhere, where I could get peace and quiet. Only my love for my husband, and the knowledge of how devastated he would be, stopped me from doing it.
My brain damaged son was hyperactive and I never had a moment’s peace in the summer holidays. On the first day of term, one year, the head teacher took one look at me and ordered me to go home and go to bed, to leave all the housework for another day.

Thank you, for being here, and sharing my burden, like Dr Taylor, Dr for the DWP and secretary of state office after examining me in 2004, as I limped out the door, shouted, me by my surname and said, were all" victims, of the system, I then received a letter from the DWP, signing me off work for two years, and the only work available, was heavy manual, which I took to contribute to society and support my family , it’s so not true that people with protected characteristics don’t want work, this government just sees vulnerable people as burden not a capital asset to invest in, , I hope someone is helping you, like you have helped me, respect

Thanks for the information Lizzie, unfortunately I suffer from the stigma of all the people, that had the opportunity to help me, but didn’t, I have noticed lately that women are much better at helping people are much more compassionate and have much better network’s for supporting oneanother, men, in my opinion, will always, be lacking in this department, they have made me suffer, but I don’t want to admit they have, finally done it, maybe it’s age related, I is really hard to explain.

Lizzie I spoke to my G.P. in fact I have been talking to my G.P. for years about my caring role, trying to find a G.P. that understood, one did but she left, I think the older generation seem to understand more.

But generally unpaid carer that’s nothing to do with a G.P. but surely it is, if a caree is suffering health problems in and out of hospital, then surely the G.P. should play a lead role.

So for many unpaid carers going to the G.P. is incredibly unhelpful and you think why did I bother?

There just isn’t any support for male carers in my town, I have never seen any anyway, going to these cup of tea and a chat groups 22 woman and one man e.g. me feels a bit difficult going.

I went to my G.P. explained my friend who I had been looking after for years had died, all the contacting people, arranging everything. There just seems to be little understanding , let Social Services do it all.

In the end Social Services did nothing, it was not their job.

So I totally agree with Sean, I too have felt really depressed, just feel unable to handle stressful situations, just so tired not been able to do anything.

I have been thinking for a long time about phoning Calm general unhappiness in life and caring doesn’t help incredibly stressful but no support.

There really does need to be more support for male carers both in the caring role and when the caring role ends.

I am still caring but just have not bothered to contact places, just lost trust and faith with them not helping me.

Actually Sean, there is no support for past carers here either, or young female carers either.
By “young” I mean under about 70.
All the carer groups in my area, the New Forest, focus on elderly women caring for even older men with dementia, or wheelchair bound. I don’t have anything in common with them whatsoever, and when I’ve said that I care for my son aged 40 with brain damage, it means nothing to them either.
I found, after I was widowed, that a book entitled “Starting Again” written by Sarah Litvinoff, published by Relate, helped me find a new life, although it’s primarily written for divorcees. All sorts of ideas about learning to feel better about yourself, and do things that you want. After all, any break up leaves a huge void in your life. It’s a really easy read book, with a few “exercises” to help you. I kept it next to my bed for a long time, you can dip in and out, just a page or two at a time.
Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness. Just making a few tiny steps forward can start the positive feelings. There are usually copies of the book on ebay, very cheap.

Thanks Bowlingbun for your support and advice it is much appreciated, I struggle to read books, I think it’s due to lack of concentration, you are right about positive thoughts though and hope for a better life and world, they gave me CBT in around 2005 but I have always been quite positive in life my downfall has been my directness in a corrupt society and telling it, as it is, we live in hope and in God I trust, amen

I promise you this book isn’t one that you need to concentrate on, more like a conversation on a page, like the forum.

Thank you I will try and find one in Oxfam they are £10 online

I can beat that price quite comfortably , Sean … starting at £ 1.91 , post free ?

Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff - AbeBooks

I thought I had replied to this post this morning, am i mistaken?

There’s one for £2,.45 now.

EvilBay , BB ?

World Books … cheaper if one buys direct … or … as I do … source same through AbeBooks.

Unfortunately, I only use cash, so I can try and control financial circumstances