Conflicted feelings about my position


Been reading through lots of posts in here & it’s great to feel less alone in my thoughts.

My Dad has been in hospital for 4 weeks now, 3 weeks last March and 2 weeks last October. Each time anything happens even though I work FT I end up driving a 80 minute round trip every other day to do stuff for my mum who doesn’t leave the house. I’ve no siblings and her family live a long way away. Dad has no-one part from me and Mum.

All of his current issues have been caused by a lifetime of heavy drinking and smoking which also affected my childhood. So I get really angry that I’m now still picking up the pieces. Then I feel instantly guilty.

He’s very poorly & even though I keep trying to explain to mum how ill he is (there’s a DNR order on him as his heart, lungs and kidneys are knackered) as he’s ringing her and telling her he’s getting out (he’s not) she’s not really facing facts.

I’m also now worried about the future as if Mum won’t accept carers or moving to somewhere with help that’s safe what the hell do I do?!?!? I feel trapped and angry at the state they’ve got themselves into but then feel guilty as I can see she’s frightened and upset.

Coping techniques or advice would be appreciated. Just needed to vent :slight_smile:

Make it clear to mum that you CANNOT keep running around like this.
Either she accepts outside carers to help her, through a Social Services Needs Assessment, or she moves into a care home.

Hi Debbie,
Welcome to the forum!

You’re not alone, we are sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and offer support. Its really important that you set aside time for yourself to relax and destress, try to find time to do something you enjoy. You seem to have a lot of caring responsibilities on top of a full time job which must be very difficult for you. Try to look after your overall wellbeing too as this is important. Perhaps it would be beneficial to approach your concerns and the situation again with your mum. Try to surround yourself with a good support network to help you.

Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers to take some time for themselves and chat to other carers. Feel free to join if you’d like to and there’s no pressure to share anything you don’t want to.

You can find information on how to register to our online meetups at the following pages:
Care for a Cuppa: Online meetups | Carers UK
Share and Learn: Share and Learn | Carers UK
Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by eail (

They also provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers a range of subjects including:

Benefits and financial support
Your rights as a carer in the workplace
Carers’ assessments and how to get support in your caring role
Services available to carers and the people you care for
How to complain effectively and challenge decisions

Best wishes