Good day, Sakura. Thank you for taking the courage to come back with some detail.
Your dad is a sad, sick man who needs medical help. You clearly have medical issues too and also need help. For the benefit of both of you, this situation is unacceptable and must change. Let me go through some of your posts.
To answer a few questions, he has mental as well as physical issues which affects his ability to cope with strangers so getting in another carer putting him in a home would put a page amount of stress on his heart. . .
Who made this diagnosis? A GP? A social worker? A psychiatrist? The NHS has facilities for people with mental health problems. It is not acceptable to just let things rest.
He refused to let me go to hospital because I would be leaving him on his own for hours. When I fell, I did so in front of a witness who tried to bang on my door many times to get him to come out and he continued to watch TV. It took a long time to heal but it has never been right.
Can you make it clearer what actually happened here? You said earlier you were not allowed visitors, yet this fall happened in front of a witness. Was the witness inside the house? Did your dad lock himself in a room? Which door did the witness bang on? If you dad continued to watch TV, what prevented you from going to Accident and Emergency right then? Could not the witness have called an ambulance?
. . .
Unfortunately> , a neighbor heard him one night and called the police. They came and separated us to talk. I explained his illness and they seemed satisfied and left but he blames me for them turning up and claims it was because of my abuse of him that night . . .
I would change the first word to “Fortunately”. It is good that your neighbour is now aware of the situation. If the police are involved again, I suggest you are not so conciliatory towards your dad and focus more on the unacceptable treatment you are receiving. The police are constantly frustrated by many cases of unacceptable behaviour they cannot pursue further, because the victim does not want to press charges. Have you taken up Sunnydisposition’s suggestion and arranged a code system with your neighbour. There could be more than one code - one for “I need help,” and another for “Call the police.” Don’t be averse to calling the police if things get really bad. Physical or verbal violence is not acceptable.
. . .
The mental health team where I live have done nothing. They basically saw him twice and then stopped talking to us completely. I tried to get him to join a local group so he could get out more but he refused.
What is this mental team exactly? A group of doctors at the local mental hospital? Or a local volunteer advisory group without formal qualifications? Don’t try to get your dad to join anything; you are wasting your time; this would not achieve anything.
. . . Putting him in a home is not an option. Getting another carer is not an option. Asking family for help is not an option. Not because I won’t, I literally do not have those options. . .
You are right. Now I know a little more about you I agree these are not options. He would wreak havoc in a care home, and would not be accepted into this type of care anyway. This is going to need more work than bringing in another carer. You can’t expect your family to handle him; he needs professional help.
All I want is a full night’s sleep, a day with no shouting, and be able to look after him without being told everything I do wrong. . .
The operative word here is “All”. I think you want, and deserve, more than this. Don’t you want to have friends, have a job, be able to have hospital treatment instead of being scarred for life? Better to aim high and possibly achieve slightly less than aim low and meet your target.
Mental health is a form of illness and you cannot be expected to either cure him yourself or put up with the difficult consequences of his illness. You need to take steps to improve things for both of you. I recommend two actions.
See your GP. Explain in full the circumstances and seek advice on what can be done for the benefit of both of you. Ask if your dad needs a referral to a mental health specialist for further treatment.
Visit your Citizens’ Advice Bureau. Explain the situation and say that you want a full Social Services assessment of your dad. They should be able to direct you to how to arrange this. Yes this will mean leaving Dad on his own. Just do it. If he cannot cope with being on his own for a couple of hours he seriously needs help and you must take steps to arrange it. This is all part of the condition you should explain to people.
Please put aside your feelings of, “He can’t help himself so I must just put up with everything.” Start thinking about asserting your independence and helping him towards becoming a happy and contented human being. He is your dad, after all!