Hi all,
I came on to this thread in the hope I could find someone who is going through something similar to myself, It seems im getting off lightly! Although I do have some freedom I feel the person I provide care for (my mum) feels very strongly that I’m not entitled to that. Its just us two and my disabled brother so I have no support of family we don’t really have any. All I have (luckily) is my job which I love but she’s insisting that I need to quit and I am selfish for keeping my job and not dedicating 100% of my time to her. I’ve tried to explain to her the emotional and financial implications that’s resigning from my job would have on my life but she thinks I’m not entitled to feel this way and then plays the victim card or calls herself a burden to guilt trip me. I’ve never treated her that way. To treat her cancer she has had an operation that has left her permanently unable to talk. I can’t imagine how awful it must be for her and I’m always compassionate and empathetic but she is very demanding, and thinks because she’s got cancer and this new disabilty that she can’t talk anymore that anything i feel I doesn’t matter. I attend every single one of her hospital appointments with her and have been so supportive since her diagnosis this time last year. I took 6 months off work without pay to help her in her recovery during treatment (she’s a lot better now and cancer is improving she just has the disabiliy now ) and I returned to work in June. Any time I have anything to say she shuts me down and says I don’t have a right to be upset only she does. I never see my friends anymore or talk to anyone and if I do she will say nasty things when I come back such as my friends are just using me for money, or they don’t even like me. I have had to give up any extra activities I used to do for example the gym or going to see friends. If she is nice enough to not complain about this and not guilt trip me for going out then I will be on a time limit, so if I went out at 11am if I was any later than 3pm she would ask why I needed to be out that long for. If I pick up my phone she will complain or ask who I’m speaking to. If I don’t do a task quick enough for her or to her standards she will get stressed and complain and usually calls me names. Alot of the time this is slightly alcohol fulled. I have asked her to talk to someone, I offer to go with her but she says she doesnt need help and that if i cared about her more that would solve the problem. Shes says often that im to blame for her cancer and the state she’s in and she would have rather refused treatment and died. Because she had the operation and treatment (for me and only me apparently) that I owe her the rest if my life. Physically she is capable of doing most things on her own she’s just lonely and struggles with communication and is embarrassed by her disability and feels vulnerable now. As much as I have empathy for her and I have tried to support her I don’t understand why I should have to give up my career my friends and my entire life for her. My 7 year relationship has recently broke down too mainly because my ex’s parents were too controlling of him and were nasty to me and although she appeared to show some compassion towards me for this she seems secretly happy that she’s one step closer to having me all to herself. I’m certain I won’t meet someone because of her as I cant even go to work without her getting angry or upset never mind meet a new partner. I’m only 26.
All.my days off work she has planned out for me could be cleaning or decorating or shopping. I never get a day off. I’m exhausted and feel absolutely hopeless. She refuses help from anyone besides me and walking away isn’t an option.
Walking away IS an option.
The only power she has over you is the power you are letting her have!
Controlling behaviour is when one person expects, compels, or requires others to cater to their own needs — even at others’ expense. The controlling person targets an individual and dominates them in an unhealthy, self-serving manner.
https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/c … lationship
Some signs of controlling parents are:
Your parents manage your responsibilities. …
Your parents always have an opinion on you. …
Your parents lack kindness or empathy. …
Your parents don’t give you privacy. …
Your parents are manipulative. …
Your parents make you feel obligated. …
Your parents dominate you.
You have a right to your own life.
walking away isn’t an option.
It’s not always about walking away. It’s about regaining what you have lost.
Thank you for your comments, I’m just worried that if I put my foot down she will hurt herself or hate me. She’s always been a stubborn person that can’t ever see when she’s doing something hurtful or damaging to someone else. In the small amount of instances when she can its always the other persons fault.
Some of the posts I’ve read on here are so much worse than what I am experiencing as I do put my foot down sometimes with her. I just wanted reassurance that I wasn’t being selfish for wanting my own life like she thinks I am.
Beth, when I was in hospital having major surgery, morphine drip for pain relief, catheter as I couldn’t get out of bed, mum kept leaving messages on our answerphone asking me to ring her urgently!!
She had a problem and I was supposed to fix it?!?!
Accept that your mum is totally and utterly self centred.
However, her behaviour is HER choice and responsibility, not yours.
She is responsible for her own happiness.
You are responsible for your happiness too.
You cannot change mum, but you can change yourself, your reaction to her.
This will need counselling, but believe me, it can be life changing.
My mum chose to exclude herself from every day life, a long complicated story.
BUT she had no right to choose what I did.
She always said she didn’t want carers, but presented with a choice of carers or residential care, she had carers. Once she had them, she enjoyed hearing about their lives and their families!
Counselling helped me set my priorities differently. My son with learning difficulties had priority over mum, as he couldn’t speak for himself. Mum could. Needless to say mum didn’t like that, but she did accept the reasoning.
Your work is obviously a high priority, so if mum is lonely when you are at work, she can go out, or have someone come to cook and clean.
YOU ARE NOT HER DOMESTIC HELP!
Is she claiming a disability benefit? That is to pay for domestic help and other costs of disability.
When did you last have a holiday, even a weekend away?
Mum needs to learn not to rely on you so much. You need a break, we all do at the moment. Travelodge are doing some great deals at the moment. Go away and really think what you want from now on.
After I was widowed I read a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff. I’m sure it would help you find a way forward, looking at what you want for your own life from now on. Usually cheap on ebay. It’s easy to pick up and dip into.
Just because mum has plans for you each evening, doesn’t mean you have to follow them. You need to make your own plans, saying “Sorry mum, I already have plans”.
I was still behaving like a good little girl towards my mum when I was 60, you too are trapped in what I call “Dutiful Daughter Mode”. Counselling will help you break this behaviour.
Thank you so much I will definitely give that book a read.
I know I need to put myself first for a change, I find it difficult to believe that she thinks giving up my career and life for her is my duty and responsibility and how she could let me do that and feel OK about it. Even if I did its not going to change her disability or health if anything having me do everything even more than I already do will make her feel worse in my opinion.
Thank you for your in put it helps alot .
I doubt that she even considers the impact on you, whether or not it’s OK, etc. etc.
From what you say mum has never really considered you in the way a “normal” mum should.
The more I read about this sort of thing on the forum, the more it seems that it’s just a personality trait they were born with, and have no control of. Maybe some would now be labelled with “autistic tendencies”, when I read about Asperger’s Syndrome, one of my family fits the profile perfectly!
If you can see her personality as a disability, it might seem easier? Easier, not easy.
Yeah I’m learning the hard way this evening that she will always find a way to blame me. She has always not had the nicest personality. But since the cancer and physical disabilty the bad aspects to that personality are just magnified. Im really struggling to cope.
Sorry I went missing for so long without a reply. I am now very rarely out of sight because I am often accused of abandonment if I leave the room. He doesn’t even like me leaving the room to go to bed until he has fallen asleep and if he wakes up, so do I. I have spoken to the doctor and social services, neither of which bother to even acknowledge my existence so I have stopped bothering since they won’t do anything.
I used to get some respite from going shopping but now he has stopped that saying I waste money and can’t be trusted. I am worried that if something happens to my dog, I will never be allowed out again. The doctor thinks he has dementia which he thinks explains his behaviour but so far, hasn’t even refered us to a hospital.
I am not looking for advice. I am just letting off steam.
Sakura, you say that you have “spoken to Social Services” but they didn’t do anything.
They have a duty to complete a Carers Assessment when requested, for you.
They don’t have to see dad, dad doesn’t need to know anything about it.
This would be a first good step.
At what stage are you going to insist on help?
You can’t be in two places, with dad all the time, and shopping.
How can you ever have a normal life like this?
Dad has no right whatsoever to use you as his personal slave.
Social Services in particular and Doctors to some extent, rely on people such as yourself to not make a fuss: it lowers their workload and responsibility considerably, the only people who get help consistently are the ones who won’t give up.
Let him do the shopping then - if he can’t or won’t do it, try missing out a couple of meals, (have something tucked away as a back-up when he complains that he’s got no dinner).
It’s perfectly OK to let off steam, but in your situation it’s only ever going to be a temporary respite, you need more, ask for it, ask us here and ask Social Services, (see para.1).
I absolutely agree with Ajay and Bowlingbun! You have to be firm and make yourself heard. Been through that. Thinking I must be a nuisance. Not for long but I did.
My youngest daughter has a very good friend who has worked her way up the career ladder in NHS. She explained to us. Shout, loud but not rudely, because it’s the only way you will be heard and get what is rightly needed for your loved one and yourselves.Proved to be true.