Caring for mum

Hi, mum recently spent 11 weeks in hospital following a bad fall. She needed a hip replacement and badly fractured her shoulder. She got all sorts of infections, plus covid during her stay in hospital. She lived on her own before her fall, I helped her, having food delivered etc, sorted out all her bills and any house and garden maintenance. When she was discharged we brought her to our house as she can’t manage by herself. I also live about two hours away from her house. She is 81, her mobility is poor, slowly improving but she needs a lot of help. She has other conditions which are making progress harder. I’m new to caring for someone and I’m finding it exhausting. We haven’t applied for attendance allowance yet or any other financial support. She was only discharged a week ago. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I’m afraid that bringing he home was a very bad move.

Mum should have had a discharge plan and the hospital should have arrange a 6 week package of free care for her. If she couldn’t manage at home at all, she could have gone temporarily into respite care. Was any of this explained to you?

Presumably you are in a different hospital area, and a different local authority for Social Services?
Were you told how much care she would need?
Did you bring mum home in a car, or did she need an ambulance?

Make a list of everything mum needs help with, and we may be able to resolve things.
Does mum own or rent her home?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings? (Yes/No).
Apply for Attendance Allowance immediately. I think you can do it online now. Don’t be dismayed by the form, most of it will be irrelevant to your mum’s situation.

Hi Yvonne

It is like wading through glue when you first start caring for Mum, the most important thing I found was to make sure I kept a note book of who I had spoken to, what they had said and what they were going to do so I could refer back to when I next spoke to them.

I would also speak to your GP practice as they may have a care coordinator who can help you with things, also get in touch with your local adult social services and the adult social services where you Mum lives and ask them what they can do, in case Mum wants to try living back in her old home for a while. If nothing else they should complete a care assessment of Mum’s needs and also advise on what support they can give you. Also register as a carer with your GP service as this helps when you need support.

I have been in your situation with my Mum living 150 miles away from me, for 12 months I went down every 4 weeks to see her and had a team of people doing stuff for her which I was able to remotely manage from where I live, eventfully we took the decision to see if we could get her into some sheltered accommodation close to where we lived so that she could remain independent but be supported by myself and a care team. After a lot of fighting with the local council and support from Mum’s GP and social services where she lived we got Mum a fully adapted flat in a complex 2 mins away from where I live. Whilst it was not easy for Mum making this move it was the best thing we did for all of us as she has had further falls and loss of independence in this time, it also meant I could continue working for a few more years.

Whilst we have managed with me still working I have taken the decision to retire now as Mum needs more of my time and getting good care teams in has been a challenge over the past 2 years. This has a financial impact to me but I am the cheapest carer.

Finally, just remember to take one step at a time and if possible take some time out for yourself each day, even if it is just a 5 min walk. Hope all goes well and please feel free to ask me anything.


Hi Jill

Thank you for your reply.

You’re right, it is like wading through glue!

I’m going to go through your message and will use your advice.

I have temporarily registered mum with our g.p., which is how she got the community physio. I’m learning as I go!

It is the distance that made things so difficult, I stayed at mums house for 7 weeks when she was in hospital so I could visit her.

Her mobility has improved, she is walking with the zimmer better. I guess the difficulty will be when she is ready to go home and organising support in the home.

Ideally, if she lived nearby, things would be so much easier. I took early retirement so I’m not working, honestly don’t know how you managed working as well!

Can I just ask, is carers allowance means tested? My husband works.

Caring for someone is so tiring!

Best wishes, Yvonne

carers allowance is not means tested. Take care.

Thank you Penny, that’s good to know!


There is info on carer’s allowance here Carer's Allowance | Carers UK


Thank you very much Melly

Hello Yvonne,

Wishing you a warm welcome to the forum.

I can see that some of our forum members have already provided you with some useful advice. I hope you find the forum beneficial and supportive.

If you haven’t already looked into this, it may be useful to contact your local authority’s Adult Social Care to ensure you and your mum are both getting all of the support you are entitled to. More information can be found on the Carers UK website here: Carer's assessment | Carers UK

You may find it helpful to contact the Carers UK Helpline on on 0808 808 7777 (Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm) or for advice and a discussion regarding your circumstances. They can provide further information about requesting support from your local authority and financial support that you can look into.

If you need some time to yourself to take a break from caring and meet other carers in similar situations, Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers. If this is something you are interested in, you can find more information here: Online meetups | Carers UK

Kind regards,

Yvonne, how are things now?