I’ve been caring for my husband (81 years old) for the past 2 years, since he had a stroke, and he has heart failure. I have, i believe, done this well and without help (except initial OT therapy when he first had the stroke). He is 15 years older than me and its never really been an issue, till recently.
Being his carer has greatly impacted my own health now and i have extensive osteoarthritis and stomach problems. Causing me a lot of issues.
He is wheelchair bound when we go out and totally reliant on me. He can walk with a stick or frame around the house but struggles with mobility and breathing. However he can still do certain things, small household tasks like dishwasher etc.
My main issue is he has become so self centred and everything revolves around what he wants. To the point is now really affecting me. He chooses on many occasions to not help me and just sulks when challenged. Flinging insults and accusations. Its extremely upsetting.
I am out of my depth now and feel totally isolated. My daughters try to help but they have young kids.
Looking for advice really, as im ready to walk away and that wont help. We’ve been married a long time, and I love him very much but have had enough of the sulking and me, me, me attitude.
@Pixie2334….welcome to the forum. I’m glad you’ve reached out. So sorry to hear what you’re going through, are you able to go out alone at all or to meet up with a friend so you have a bit of time for you?
Hi @Sue24
Thank you for replying. Unfortunately not. I’ve no friends as such. I occasionally go out with my daughters but mainly 24/7 in same house. He can be left for a few hours but it rarely happens.
Welcome to the forum.
Why are you doing everything? It’s time you had more help.I’m 73 with various health issues. I used to garden until bad light stopped play, now tend to run out of steam very quickly.
You need someone to share the load with you, the housework is a good place to start.
As your husband has had a stroke, when did he last see a specialist?
It may be the cause of his mental attitude.
Have you ever had a Carers Assessment from Social Services?
When did you last have a holiday?
I suspect you’ve done too much for too long and are worn out?
Hi @bowlingbun
Thats not the reason for his attitude.
Its just him.
The questions i asked were for advice about dealing with that. I did not expect a barrage of questions and I’m sorry i bothered reaching out.
I’m sat here with a sulky 81 year old, because he’s been challenged and wanted support for me and help for me to cope.
Sorry i bothered now.
And yes, I’m worn out.
Forum members are all volunteers, trying to help others.
I’m 73, carer for about 50 years, I’ve had 10 carees, from new born to 87, huge health issues, 10 operations, widowed at 54. My own arthritis kept me awake until 3am today.
You are clearly very tired, very alone, in need of help. So when I asked why you were doing it alone, it could have been no help was offered, you were worried about the cost, or husband refused to accept it?
@Pixie2334 I am a carer for my 86 year husband and am 23 years younger. I agree about ‘reaching out’ and well done for making the first move. I can totally relate to the ‘me me me’ attitude too. Have you a local ‘Support for Carers’? If so please contact them. They may have regular meetings. If you cannot get then a Telephone Befriender may be an option. You do sound rather isolated.
I have to say I keep almost sane by making sure I get out. OK only for short periods and I have to make huge compromises such as staying local so I can go home if summoned. I have to say I no longer love or even like my husband as he is a nasty vicious old man. I have been caring officially since Jan 2013 but probably a couple of years earlier.
Please keep posting as I am worried about you. It is quite daunting but I echo @bowlingbun we are volunteers and we will try and offer whatever suggestions you can and you have to just decide on the ones that might work for your situation.
@Pixie2334
Welcome to the forum
Sad to read you are having such a difficult time.
My late husband suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues.
After the main stroke he did go through personality changes. Anger, tearful and suspicious. He had delirium too.
Would you consider contacting the stroke association?They may be able to advise on some help in your situation. Hopefully would help to talk to an expert.
In the meantime try not to engage at the times he is sulking etc. I you can go into another room have a cuppa etc. He might get the message that you can only take so much and that he needs you.
Hope you will remain on the forum because we do gel together with different experiences
@selinakylie
Thank you for your helpful response and yes I realise you are all volunteers.
Your situation sounds worse than mine.
Its so difficult isn’t it dealing with nasty old men. I am at end of the line with him if he keeps it up.
He’s still sulking like a 2 year old kid, since last night, so has just got both barrels off me.
The response being sheepishness and saying you can leave, I’ll manage. Couldn’t even manage half a day. Its pathetic. I’m sick of having to think for him. He’s quite capable mentally.
Having said that, he’s always been a sulker and very jealous and constant accusations. That’s what happens when you marry an older man.
@Pet66
Thank you for the advice
I am considering contacting the Stroke Association for more advice. He recovered quite well and it could have been a lot worse.
Was always very tearful after it. Not much aggression.
Its the selfishness that is really getting me down at the moment, more than anything.
He only sees his own issues, despite knowing I am really suffering.
Turns any conversation back around to him and his woes all the time. Makes everything all about him.
@Pixie2334 I am afraid we rather naughtily call my husband ‘The Senile Toddler’ because that is how he behaves! Sounds as you might have one too. I agree about the denial because I am told that I am only ‘allowed’ to claim Carers Allowance because he was a high rate tax payer for years but does not really ‘need’ a carer. This is the person who is so deaf he cannot cope with the phone. When he searches in Ebay or Amazon he ends up somewhere different as he uses ‘google’ rather than the on site search facility. Dont even talk about how he copes with emails. But he is SO clever and me and my ‘girlie’ friends so stupid. (BTW my Book Club girlie friends are mainly graduates with several having MA;s and one going for a PHd). I am amazed that the Book Club has lasted ten years in spite of him but we are a close group and when he starts off we all raise our eyes to the ceiling and think 'Pampers baby throwing his toys out of his pram AGAIN).
So you are NOT alone. Stay strong. I would guess your husband is a frightened old man. I think aging and some conditions especially Dementia exagerate any negative characteristics. My husband has always been an intellectual bully but he has actually said that I am making us a target to be broken into by dressing up when I go and get the paper and milk. I honestly think he would like me to go out in a sack with a bag over my head - he even argued with my hairdresser at my 60th Birthday dinner by saying she should not use chemicals on my hair if she did not understand them! He has taken almost everything else but he is NOT taking away my blonde hair! The need to ‘control’ me is frankly horrific and I often do not know if he is really ill or just trying to stop me going out. I now put the cats upstairs because he has said that one of the cats ‘might’ get past him when I am out and I could never prove it he did it on purpose.He has threatened to chase the cats down onto the Road - all indoor cats with no road sense. I honestly think if he did this, I would not be responsible for my actions and would either end up dead or in prison. Thankfully he is increasingly frail so hopefully it is only a matter of ‘waiting’ and he is not that steady on his feet. He thinks he is ‘above the law’.
I do my hair and makeup as it helps keep me mentally strong saying ‘hello’ to the dog walkers and the shop staff as these are often the only other people I speak to all day. My husband is so deaf all I get is 'what what ’ so keep interaction to a minimum. He is always attached to the TV via headphones.
You sound at breaking point. You DO have options. Would you at least think about looking into a good counsellor so you can talk these through in a safe place?
Hi @selinakylie
Oh my god, that sounds like a living nightmare. Its no way to live is it. He sounds really cruel, to your animals as well.
Makes my ‘kid’ look like a saint, although he’s still a complete idiot, believe me. Some days i actually hate him.
We’ve worked hard always to look after them, and they’re now treating us like this.
It makes me want to walk away. My life is important too and its too short to put up with this.
Doing you hair and make up is a good thing. I’m the same with blond chemical in my hair, and I try to look after myself, although to be fair my husband does encourage me to look nice and does praise me on occasions.
I have my little dog and she keeps me going.
My daughters too but they have busy lives and work full time.
Like you say its a waiting game, but i hate feeling like that about him, as we’ve had a reasonably happy life. Not perfect by any means, but ok.
I just want the selfishness to cease and have some regard for my welfare as well, even if it was only emotional support. It all helps.
Regarding counselling, its a possibility.
My sister is my main sounding board in a crisis.
My husband and I had a very happy marriage, we didn’t argue, just talked things through. After he died I didn’t want to discuss everything with my eldest son, still coming to terms with the sudden loss of his dad. Then I was disabled in a car accident. I’ve always been the family “fixer” but there was just too much happening all at once. I found having someone impartial concentrating on supporting me, not what I could do for someone else, was very helpful. I was encouraged not to run around after everyone else so much, that it was OK to do things I wanted to do for myself at times.
In a way, you too have “lost” some of your old life.
I found a book called Starting Again by Sarah
Litvinoff helpful when thinking about what I wanted to include in the next chapter of my life? With an older husband at some time you will be single again. The book might help you work out how to prepare for your future? It’s very easy to read.
@bowlingbun
Thank you.
To be honest, i feel single now half the time. Trapped, lonely but single. Like you, always the fixer and the one who gets things done.
Then other times he’s lovely and we enjoy what we can of life, given his disability.
However selfishness and me, me, me is not acceptable any more I’ve decided, especially when I’m now really struggling with my own health due mainly to the caring duties. I dont begrudge that at all but am starting to resent him a lot with his negativity and selfishness.
My memory is usually pretty good, but today it’s let me down. I can’t remember where I read this.
It is a common trait of the “very elderly” that they become increasingly “self focussed”. My own mum was like this when 80+. I had lost my husband, disabled in a car accident, only source of income was selling 30 tons of lorry spares, brother dying of pancreatic cancer leaving me to empty and sell his house and all his motor bikes, yet despite all that she saved jobs for me like picking her reaspberries and house jobs as I did them better than her paid staff!
Do not think you can fix your husband, it’s not his fault. Maddening though.
My counsellor taught me how to not get frustrated, by thinking differently. Avoiding things without actually saying “No”. I wish I’d found this out about 20 years previously!
My heart goes out to you. I am 78 my husband 80 and I am his only carer, I recognise your problems, and sympathise with how you feel. For me it is the way it makes me irritable and angry, I love him but their attitude is upsetting, It is part of their illness I think and they are not being unloving, it must feel like they are trapped, with a loss of dignity having to rely on us. You must watch your own health, you can’t help him if you are ill, but it is crucial to remember you are just as important.
In an attempt to remember where I read something, I’ve just Googled “Older People Self Centred”. It immediately came up with lots of different articles. I haven’t had time to read them right now, maybe a forum member affected could read them and give a few links?
@Pixie2334 it is good you have reached out, I can see that you are exhausted and lost in all the demands you have on you. This is a place to get support, even when you want to just vent your anger and frustration.
People here will try and help from their own experience, and that may mean there are some questions asked so they can help you find more resources. It certainly helped me when I reached out, as lost and frustrated as you seem. It is a safe space here.
I had a carer’s assessment and it helped link me with support but I have found that I needed to fight for all the help I got. I also got contact details for a local carer’s group, that helps you meet people who understand. It is a shame that you have no friends locally and I think you need to take time to get out and make some.
My friend is in almost exactly the same situation, she in her late sixties, husband in 80s with a serious stroke. She has carers come in four times a day, so I think you need to contact Adult Social Care, they will do a Carer’s Assessment and then put in place some care support. Be very clear about what it is doing to you. You are entitled to help.
He will be selfish, sadly it seems to be a common thread on this forum. You need to put yourself first. When he starts to talk about himself again, just pick up your book, knitting, phone and avoid engaging with the conversation. Get out of the house regularly, start with an hour or two, just go for a walk, cafe, anything that gets you out from the pressure.
Join a local group, the library will have lots of group information, book club, craft club, something that you think you would like. You may think you don’t have time, want to, it seems you have kept yourself to yourself for a long while, but take the plunge. It will recharge your batteries to do something just for you. I took a book, walked to my local pub and had a glass of cider when it got too much. Just to get away.
Contact your GP to inform them you are an informal carer, they may have details of groups that can help.
I found this forum a great support when I felt just like you, it helped listening to others, seeing how their experiences echoed mine and then how they dealt with it. Some will work others won’t but keep reaching out, you are not alone