Patience dissappeared

I am a 72 young at heart carer for my 67 year old husband for last three years , after losing one leg due to diabetes he is now a double leg amputee , for the last two years he has relied on me for everything, even though he could do more. I am struggling as any patience I once had has disappeared with his constant moaning and complaining . Feel totally drained but I want to get my sense of humour back and feel better about myself… :unamused:

Most of the forum are taking a break up on another planet somewhere
but will be back soon to cheer you up. :slight_smile:

I can relate Wendy. We are a really nice group of people and we will be there for you.

I am a carer for a ‘difficult’ 79 year old - I am 56. It is very hard but you are posting on a forum where we do understand and you will get support,

Hi Wendy. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. It is terrible that your husband lost his legs due to diabetes. I hope you don’t mind me asking this but did he not know he had diabetes?
Do you have carers to help look after your husband? You certainly should be getting lots of support.
I’m a full time carer looking after my elderly mum and sometimes I feel like I’m ‘trapped’ indoors so I understand how you feel. I don’t actually live with my mum so at least sometimes I can escape!! On a more serious note I find going for a daily walk (with mum’s dog) helps and having somewhere to go on a regular basis helps to. Make sure you get some ‘me’ time when you can do what you want to do.

My husband has been insulin dependant for 47 years. Always been a moaner but feels as if he blames me. Have been assessed but not offered any help even though he needs help with all personal care and due to cateracts have to do his injections.

I do walk a neighbours dog few times a week and can get out for few hours occasionally but the unpleasantness before and after spoils my time with a friend

Hi Wendy and welcome,

Not surprised you are feeling drained of patience.

Maybe it’s time to get outside care workers to take on some of hubby’s personal care, to free you up a bit. Don’t let his nastiness before and after you go out, put you off, otherwise he will have succeeded in making you as miserable as he is. Try and go out everyday, so he gets more used to it and to give yourself a break. Does he have any interests to keep him busy? Could you bundle him off out occasionally, so you have the house to yourself?

Albert is referring to

We also drop into Roll Call for the equivalent of an over the fence natter,


Hi Wendy
Phone council back and demand copies of his care needs assessment and of your carers assessment.
If they actually did complete them this is your right, and you can then go back to them with any inaccuracies, which should then result in help.
If they didnt do them ( as is likely) they will have to 're do them

Also if hubby has more than £23250 in savings or assets (excluding your home) you can arrange and pay for care privately. Less than that and council should contribute

You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, be caring all alone. It’s unsustainable

Also worth filling in the form for attendance allowance, if hubby is already receiving AA them apply for the higher rate because of change of circumstances.

Hi Wendy, welcome to the forum.

I’m sorry your husband is nasty when you go out, BUT your mental and physical health should be top priority, because he wouldn’t be able to manage without you.

When did you last have a holiday on your own?

Your life is very much ‘tied’ to meeting the demands of a loved one who needs constant attention and you give so much of your own time.
Your husband relies upon you to do everything for him and is now dependent on you. He is also taking out his frustration on you.
It can be very isolating for him as the frequency of visits from friends and family can diminish over time. People tend to offer their ‘sympathies’ in passing but choose to lead their own active lives.
There is another person who gets forgotten as well. You.
You want the best care for your husband. However. You need to take care of yourself.
Although there is much great concern for the patient who needs the care…People do forget the ‘care giver’ has needs and feelings too.
Although it is always difficult to find the time for yourself, it is important that you carry on with your interests that lie beyond looking after your husband.
Looking at your profile, you enjoy reading, writing and poetry. This is a good way to ‘escape’ the realities of your life and give you something else to focus on. The dog walking is a great way to get out as well.
You certainly have a lot to deal with regards actually looking after your husband and it is definitely a full-time job. One way or another, you are going to need help looking after him. This is a lot to deal with on your own.
Your husband’s attitude is certainly not helping at all. You feel that he blames you for his situation. Someone in your husband’s situation will want to blame someone or something because of the frustration with their disability.
It can be very depressing for him, seeing others get on with their lives and him not being able to. Sadly. It is you that is at the receiving end. It must be hard for you as you are trying to do what is best when caring for him.
One of your posts describes how you take your husband to the toilet and shower him. This will be heavy work for yourself and challenging without extra support.
You are doing a job that many people can’t even imagine because they do not actually see what you really do within your four walls. Your role is virtually ‘24/7’.
The time has come for you to take more care of yourself. The last thing you need is to become ill yourself.
Are there places for your husband to go to during the day? Community centres can do afternoon activities or hold coffee mornings. Many community/church groups can offer meals at midday which could be worth looking into.
Convincing him to go to these events may be a challenge. Especially if he is a man who is ‘set in his ways’ or isn’t the social sort of person.
There is the issue of his disability, which can often be a reason for not wanting to go out. However, he may benefit from meeting people in a setting where they have their own struggles.
Having carers come to your home - even if once a day - would be of help to you. Ideally you could benefit having someone come in the morning and evening.
There is the issue of how your husband will feel about this. Many people will refuse to pay for care, so avoid it.
Another important point to note. Professional carers will be less tolerant of his complaining and will work to a set ‘time slot’. He’ll need to adapt to their way of working and he’ll soon realise how good a carer you are.
Leaving your husband alone with the carers may prompt him to appreciate the work you do for him.
The question is, however. How long can you both manage in your current situation? Your health is very important as well because you are the primary carer.
Your husband deserves the the care he needs and there is no argument about that. You want to give him all the care he needs and you are really fighting hard to do so. Your husband may not show much appreciation and his moaning and groaning must be soul-destroying.
Your husband will need to accept - if not now but in future - that he is going to need professional outside help in order to meet his needs.
He needs to understand that you are not getting younger yourself and need time to relax and take care of your own needs. This could further benefit you both by having a little more quality time together.

Hi Paul.
Welcome to the forum.
I strongly advise you change your name to a “pen name,” to protect your privacy and your carees privacy.

Melly1 moderator