Hello everyone, wonderful to find this forum.
My husband has had heart problems, along with some other conditions, for a long time.
Just after the beginning of the lockdown for coronavirus he had a heart attack and was hospitalised for several days. Couldn’t go with him to hospital obviously nor visit, which was very hard.
He has now been diagnosed with heart failure due to the damage to his heart muscle. Have had brilliant support from a heart specialist nurse at a local hospital but due to the lockdown follow-up care has been limited. There have been some ups and downs with managing his medication and so on.
I have become used to doing the housework, garden, dealing with admin/tech issues and providing emotional support and encouragement over the years.
Winter is always a difficult time, being stuck in, trying to stay away from lurgies, so the lockdown was a real blow to him in its timing and he took it hard.
My husband is retired and I am not working, so we are both pretty much constantly in the house in the normally, and used to spending time around each other. Normally we try and get away for a bit in the summer. There is a significant age gap between us, he is in his seventies, I am in my late forties.
We have managed to generally make the best of the situation before, but this is different. I feel like we have entered a different phase. The role of carer seems inescapable and more necessary to me.
My husband is finding the increased loss of independence, strength and autonomy very difficult. I feel for him terribly with this.
However, much as I love him dearly, I am finding it hard to cope with his angry outbursts, mood swings, general irritability, negativity and criticism. I feel like I am first in line for the expression all frustrations, and that, in his suffering, it often seems to be all about him. I think he is depressed, even if he does not see it this way.
I worry, at times, that I am heading the same way. Everyday seems like more of the same.
I feel worn out, stressed, irritable,lonely, can’t concentrate, and just drained at the thought of future. I worry that I will not be able to stick it out.
I feel sometimes that my life is over, that my life has been reduced to worrying and making sure he is ok. It feels like the joy is just leaking away from my life.
I have had to give up a few of my outlets for stress, (visiting friends, yoga classes etc), over the last few months, but even going out for walks etc now doesn’t make me feel better as I worry about leaving him for extended periods of time, and sometimes I just dread going home to more unhappiness.
Many thanks for bearing with me with the off-loading, helps just to type this out.
Take care, everyone out there.