Carers are becoming too controlling and abusive

Just got off the phone to safeguarding, they aren’t interested in the slightest and told me that it wasn’t their problem.

Wow. I stand by what I wrote earlier. You are in my prayers too. Get a cheap safe in addition. Look after yourself and your family as best as you can do so.

I just cannot do this anymore. I am burning out completely.

Mum also damaged her phone on Thursday, I managed to buy her a new similar one on Friday. (Don’t worry it’s hardly an expensive phone). She took it on a night out with her and has lost it or it was stolen, along with her bank card. I reported it to the police this morning.

I also raised a concern as the friend mum was with when it went missing was also part of the key debarcle from last month. I was insinuating anything, I don’t believe they took it. However Mum got insanely drunk and it would have been easy for someone to take advantage, I was concerned that this friend didn’t have her best interests at heart and she was been exploited in the pub due a lack of care. I also think mum just needs abit more help in that department, and is been taken advantage of.

I’ve tried to communicate with this woman to try and find the phone, but she is being so vague as to about their whereabouts last night. I got in touch with the owner of the club and he said he would check CCTV as there was a few issues with a certain group of people last night. I won’t go into what he said, but it was along the lines of there been a group of people who were not the sort you’d expect to find in a LGBT club. In fairness, the city is pretty known for its high crimes relating to people being attacked/spiked in pubs. It all came apparent after one very famous murder incident a couple of years ago. I’m sure people will know which one I am talking about.

She also said at some point that she managed to loose mum which I’m extremely angry about. I’ve spent the entire day trying to find the phone and i have been drip fed information by this stupid woman. All I asked was a retrace of steps, where they went, who with and so on. The owner of the club asked what they were wearing, once again drop fed info. I was helping mum and they were being useless. Just like the time they disappeared for four days with mums key, and couldn’t be contacted.

I am concerned about my mums drinking habits, but I am also concerned that these friends are just letting her do it and actually encouraging it which in turn is making her do it more. She is very impressionable. We don’t come from a family of drinkers at all. Dad never drunk, I haven’t in about a year. My sister drinks, but even then she’s fed up of it and wants to stop going and instead focus on spending the money on making memories. Mum always said she hated being drunk, so she hadn’t in many years.

I was speaking to my sister about it; maybe we are typical Gen Z’s, but if someone was drunk, we wouldn’t ply them with more drink, unless it was water. We would do what we could to get them home safe, we would order a taxi, get someone to pick them up and wouldn’t leave them until they were safe. (I was a student at the university, at the time of the famous incident) I know I’m a massive square, but it’s about being aware of surroundings. I’ve only ever been drunk once in my life, and that was only because I was at a house party surrounded by people whom I knew I could trust. I wouldn’t dream of it in a pub.

Mum has had a serious telling off by me. I told her I have worked hard over the weekend for her and she’s thrown it back in my face. I have got her another much cheaper one, a downgrade from the one she had but I have not yet given it too her and I’m in no rush to set it up as I have a doctors appointment tomorrow it’s work after. Today was a long day and after contacting the club I needed a shower and food.

When she learns some responsibility she can have a better one again. I know I’m blaming her mates but I think everyone is responsible here. They are adults behaving like teenagers. As I said earlier not all people who disappear in pubs have bad things happen to them, but everyone who has had stuff happen to them in a pub- the friends have left them.

I told the police I do not believe for a second she is an alcoholic, she just likes the pub because she has too much energy and likes talking to people. I was in the car with her on Saturday and she would not stop talking for a hour, how that woman breathes I don’t know. I just wanted to tell her to shut up.

When she started going to the pub about a year ago she would only drink a couple of lager and blacks. I just believe people have led her astray, it’s always people in the pub.

I’m just not sure telling the police was the right thing to do, I always feel ashamed of telling people about mums odd relationship with the pub. Like she’s addicted to the pub, however I wouldn’t say she is addicted to alcohol. As I say she likes the pub because she gets attention from friends, and she’s allowed to be a kid in a soft play centre there. Unfortunately the pubs she does go to are seedy as anything.

I think coolcar98, it is time for you and your sister to have a meeting with someone as it is getting out of control and you are going to make your self ill. Safeguard should have taken a interest in the case than say it not worth it as you have got a problem on going. I hate to say this but if your mum is getting out of on a night out then she should be some where people can make sure she is safe than let her end up in trouble. Speak again to the police about things as they can get the right help and support.

I get you. I was quite abrupt with safeguarding earlier, after they told me they couldn’t do anything, I just said “what are you good for then.” I have never felt like they have done anything worthwhile, every-time they just say pass it on to the police. Why do they exist as an organisation?

Mums vulnerabilities mean she is considered a higher risk hence why she is on the list waiting for a place in supported accommodation. It has been identified that the social activities and disabled population would have a positive impact on her social needs and would reduce harm in the public. The range of activities and social stimuli from other members of the place would be of great benefit. Mum says she can’t wait to meet new people. Mum says she would also like to take on some volunteering opportunities there. Whilst that sounds great, there is currently no estimate of time it will take for mum to be offered a place. She has been on the list for around six months now. They keep saying that she cannot be bumped up the list as it’s based on a number of factors. The only thing we know is they will contact us when a space comes available. I have tried numerous times to talk to them about this, however places only come available when someone moves on, or someone dies.

It’s conflicting because when she was first put on the list, the worker said there was around 15 people on that list. 15 people doesn’t mean she’s 15th in line as it’s based on need such as if an apartment came available which is targeted to those in a wheelchair, it would be offered to someone who would benefit the most. However mum just needs a standard apartment. I will be contacting the team in morning just to check everything is fine, I call every couple of months just to check she’s still on the list.

I do not believe she is an alcoholic in the slightest, however I do believe that she’s just very niave. She also lacks any internal alarm bells and cannot read into peoples attentions whatsoever. She keeps telling us that people in the pub keep saying to “stick by them and they’ll protect her.” I keep telling mum real friends would not have to reinforce that, I would always protect my friends, and be there for them, actions speak louder than words. I keep telling mum it’s a form of gaslighting, they seem overly nice so the second they hurt you, you are conflicted because they “protect” you.

I just hate my mother and I am just so sick of all this. On Thursday mum broke her phone by dropping it in the toilet, I managed to find another one on Friday, the exact same model for £80.

On Friday I took the day off work to help her tidy her home and was screamed at by her alcy mate, he was threatening me, yet mum just said to ignore him. He demanded I come back on Saturday, and I did, he screamed at me again whilst drinking.

On Saturday night mum took her new phone to the club, and it was stolen along with her bank card, purse, and other items. The items were stolen whilst the woman who lost my mums keys was with her, coincidence I think not. The woman also has bailiffs at her door demanding money. (The woman’s brother is the alcy friend.)

At Sunday lunchtime mum called me in tears to say that all these items had been taken whilst she was drunk in the pub and all her mates left her. Yet her mates all claim innocence. She was with her mates when she said this to me, so I called the police and they were concerned and wanted to do welfare checks – this prompted me to ring safeguarding alongside the other things. In turn they said it wasn’t their issue.

All through Sunday, I tried to source the phone finding numbers of clubs, the owner of one club also tried to help and checked CCTV and everything, yet mums’ mate did not want to comply with the timings they were there. At one point, I stood outside the club for an hour in the pouring rain waiting for the owner to turn up to check the safe. We have reasonable grounds to believe it was stolen now.

On Sunday night, the alcy mate told my mum he had found the person who had the phone, and they were going to bring it ‘TO HIS HOUSE IN 20 MINUTES’, even though I had called it over 50 times throughout the day, he got through like that? I told mum it was a lie but she wouldn’t have it. I told her if the phone turns up in his possession- he stole it. I texted the phone, called it and received no response. The phone has not turned up.

On Sunday, I went into the town center and bought another cheaper one, something for the time being whilst I found another then we would sell that one off. I took it to mum, and she kicked off big time because it wasn’t an expensive one like the one, I had. She kept asking when I would be getting rid of mine. I told her there is no chance she will have a £200 phone when she has lost two in a week. I told her if she put up with it until the weekend, I would source another one on Facebook Marketplace for £50. I found one last night but didn’t tell her because I knew it would only end up in a frenzy of never-ending questions and even though I would say “I will turn up at this time and this day” she would still ask me every two seconds. I decided I would get another one, set it up and give it to her. I was due to pick it up tonight.

I decided I was going to rush because she needs to be taught a lesson, that she can’t lose something and then expect a replacement like that. She needs to take responsibility for her items. She also needs to have a deep long look at her ‘mates.’

Mums main concern was she didn’t like the phone because she can’t get dating apps on it despite telling me and my sister ‘she will never enter another relationship again. I know it’s a fishing technique to get people to feel sorry for her.’ It has always been a lie, she been in multiple domestic abuse situations since dad’s death, I believe she loves it. Yet, she is always on Facebook telling people she would never put a man before her kids. Well, she has.

I literally told her to wait until the weekend, but she wouldn’t have it she wants to talk to men on social media now. She keeps saying she must find out for herself about these people, she ‘wants to catch them out’ Its like she acts like a vigilante, yet she’s an idiot. She won’t be told; she gets hurt and then it’s my fault. I’m sorry but half these men have Paul Hollywood on their profile pictures and yet she’s claiming they love her. I think she knows deep down but she just likes the attention.

I have just received a message from her because she has gone out and bought a £200 phone because she wanted an expensive one so she can get all her dating apps on it. I called her an idiot, she then asked if I would sort it out tonight. I told her no. I told her I had worked for her the past five days, I have sourced three phones in the space of a week, help clean her house, yet she didn’t have the audacity to say Thank you. She even let me take abuse off one of her ‘mates.’

I haven’t eaten anything but crisps for five days because I have been way to busy helping her. I only sorted a phone out for her last night. Because I said no, she wants to kill herself. Yet social services or safeguarding don’t seem to think there is a problem.

Walk away literally. This is not the behaviour of a safe person.

Coolcar98, it is time to walk away from mum. I know it hard and you might be made to feel on a gulit trip but we are here for you. I think it is time for you and your sister sit down and speak to the police and see if they can do something but let them speak to safeguarding team as the right officers know who to speak to. It might be worth speaking to the landlord as well, to change the locks as it sounds like not just your mum has been a target of idiots but also yourself by her losing her phone but also getting you to spend more money which shows that you can be a easy target. I know some of this sounds fictional but these days people are finding ways not just con people but also steal from people who are easy pickings,. From watching many crime programs these days can make you read a situation where others can’t always see. Play the safety card concern with the police, but ask the neighbours and the landlord to help while things are slowly getting sorted.

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