I am sole carer at a distance to my 89 year old mother who lives alone 200 miles from me (her choice) She refuses to accept her Alzheimer’s diagnosis, or any formal help or moving anywhere. Now I’ve been diagnosed with a serious illness, which means I will be unable to both drive up and down regularly or at times help her with shopping, banking etc. which is likely to go on for a considerable time. My sibling lives abroad. There are no other relatives. As I go towards my own diagnosis and treatment plans, I’m worried sick about what will happen to her. Has anyone any suggestions? Social services have so far been useless on other things - I haven’t talked to them yet. Being 89 she has limited friends left who can help. Charities near her appear thin on the ground. And anyway, she refuses all help. Except from me.
Sorry to hear that you are poorly. Mum is ultimately the responsibility of the LA in her area.
Maybe write to them, and her GP?
@Abdabs Sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate as I am the carer of my 85 year old husband. My mother is also 85 and lives over 2 hours drive away and I do not drive. I am an only child too.
I have to agree with BB. You need to write to her GP and send special/recorded delivery. State that she is a ‘vulnerable adult’ and that they have a ‘Duty of Care’. If you are very stressed it may be even worth considering a Solicitors letter to her Surgery. Has she been assessed re Mental Capacity? If she is deemed to have it then care cannot be forced on her but hopefully the GP Surgery can do something even if only regular DN visits. Another option may be to phone the Carers helpline and/or contact her local Support for Carers if they have a branch in her area. The Admiral nurses are very good and experienced in dealing with people with dementia but it is not always easy to get through to them but you can receive a callback.
I am sorry that you are going through this when you are feeling vulnerable due to your own illness.
Thank you. I have been in touch with the admiral nurses. They are great.
She has been assessed and is considered to have full capacity, and despite an Alzheimer’s diagnosis, was discharged from the community dementia care team as they deemed her capable to look after herself.
I think I will take the advice of both replyers and send formal letters to both her GP and Social Services, and will probably ask for a formal care plan. The situation clearly changes if I can’t give her the support I have been.
Thanks again
But if she has an Altzheimers diagnosis and given her age surely this is potentially a dangerous discharge? BB is much more ‘au fait’ than I am but tbh I would seriously do a letter to the GP Surgery saying this and mention being borderline taking legal advice?
The GP and everyone are aware and she has been safeguarded very recently by all of them. She is a very well 89 year old - and only has early stage dementia. So I can see why she was discharged tbh. (Though from my perspective it continues to put a lot of pressure on me). Certainly I am in no state to start legal anything. I need to concentrate on myself for the first time in ages. But I will restate the new situation to them all and hope they keep more of an eye on her (they don’t at all at the moment) The situation is complicated by her refusing permission for me to speak to her GP. (Though I do communicate with them when necessary. They just can’t divulge information to me) She’s a tough old bird with a very determined streak. And always has been.
Thanks very much for the advice. Appreciated.
It is a toughie. Does she have an alarm pendant? Would she accept any help as in a cleaner? Online shopping?
Tbh. Tick for all three. Not that she chooses to use the alarm but there is nothing more I can do with regards to that. Thanks!
You have my sympathy. My mother has an alarm pendant but often when I phone she has not got it on. When she fell, she would not use it as did not want to go into hospital. Her neighbour is very good but she is now 76. No easy answers until as it seems as if nothing can or will be done until a crisis occurs.
If she won’t accept help, set up remote support like power of attorney, banking access, food delivery, private carers. If she becomes a risk, social services may have to intervene.
Do what you can now so you’re not handling both crises at onc