Can't cope being a carer no more

Hello all I’ve been a carer for my mom for many years but as she has got older she’s 84 now and her health has got worse it has become extremely difficult to care for her she’s currently in hospital with various problems n she only come out a week ago I think she started having carers in twice a day one in morning one in early evening but it was still a struggle n she is off her legs I think I’m coming to the decision that I can’t do it anymore im struggling with mental health problems now n have for a long time any advice would be appreciated x

Jayne, feel really proud of all the years you cared for mum, and kept her out of residential care. However, mum is approaching the end of her life, and paying the price for living a long life.
It’s time to think about what she NEEDS - a team of staff to care for her 24/7, because she is very unlikely to get better, but more likely to gradually decline. I was in a similar position a few years ago, and so are many others here. It’s not what you WANT that matters now, but NEEDS. It something to feel SAD about, but certainly not guilty one bit.
Your role no changes to Care Manager, rather than Hands On Carer.

Do you live with mum?
Does she own or rent her home?
Have more than £23,000 in savings?

The smell of CHC / NHS Continuing healthcare in the air ?

Main thread … types itself now :

Hi bowlingbun I do live with my mom n we live in maisonette that we rent n not 100% sure bout savings x

Housing … renting.

Social or b.t.l. ?

If the former , any problems if I was to mention the word SUCCESSION ?


Chris from the gulag I don’t know what would happen if my mom went in a care home I mean with the maisonette cos I’m not on the tenancy I tried to get it jointed but was refused x


Succession … I’ll let SHELER explain :
Shelter Legal England - Succession - Shelter England

In essence , when your mother moves into residential care … or dies … the tenancy ends , you will not inherit it.

My advice ?

Have a real good persusal of the information contained in the above link.

Contact SHELTER direct as they the experts in this field.


Thank u both for your replies x

Your welcome.

There is no shame if you can’t cope any more. It is hard and you have done a wonderful thing looking after her for so long. Feel proud of yourself.

Just re-reading your original post. As Mum is in hospital, this is a really good time to look again at your situation.

This sounds horrible, but you may have to say you won’t have her home until appropriate care is in place. The term is “unsafe discharge” if they send her home from hospital without proper care in place. You need to talk to her ward and tell them that you can’t care for her any more and more carers will have to come in or it maybe that it is time for her to go into residential care if her needs are too high? There should be a discharge team at the hospital who will include a social worker. Or speak to the hospital PALS service who should be able to help you navigate the system at the hospital she is in.

We ended up in this situation with my Dad. It felt really horrible at the time to deny him coming home. But Mum couldn’t care for him at home anymore (she was eventually diagnosed with dementia herself). It really was for the best in the end. We found him an amazing nursing home and Mum is still at home with help coming in

Definitely take the time she is in hospital to take a look at your own situation regarding housing and also benefits. Are you claiming carers allowance?

Best of luck to you. It is really hard.