I can no longer care for my mum

Hi everyone,
I am hoping for some advice. I have been caring for my mum for the past 6 years. She has now lived with me in my family home for 4 years. I was manipulated into her moving in with me through guilt trips from her and I gave in. The problem I have is that I just can’t do it anymore. I have 4 children and I barely have time for them. My 2 eldest have problems, one is autistic and the other is going through alot as he is transgender. I also have a 5 year old and a regular moody 13 year old. I feel as though I am trapped, my life is on hold and I can’t cope anymore. My financial situation is dire and i just want to be able to get a job and work again as i had a career before o took on the carer role.
My mum is 64 years old, I believe she has had an eating disorder for years and as a result of that she weighs just 44kg, vomits all day every day, her muscles have deteriorated and she basically gets put of bed to go to the toilet and that’s it. She has constant bed sores because she won’t move around even though she is more than capable of doing so and she has me doing every little thing for her. She is in denial about having an eating disorder and doesn’t attend her hospital appointments because she is always miraculously too I’ll to go when the day arrives. I just can not do this anymore. I need to find another means of care for her and I don’t know where to start. Can anyone advise me on what to do.

Hi Colleen,

You are caring for too many people, as I’m sure you know already! I don’t want to bombard you with too many questions, but a bit more information would be useful.

What happened to mum’s home when she moved in with you?
Was she ill? Was it rented, or her own property?

She sounds very ill. When did she last see a doctor? Is it time for a home visit?

I have a brain damaged son, now 40, so know how challenging and tiring a teenager with special needs can be.
Is your son getting enough support? In mainstream or special school? What are your long term plans for his care?

Your mum and your son should both have a Needs Assessment, updated at least annually, from Social Services. You should also have a regularly updated Carers Asssessment. Can I ask when they were last done?

Hey - welcome to the forum.

I know it all seems overwhelming now, but you can make things better and we are here to help. You have an awful lot on your plate. There is no shame in not wanting/being able to do it any more. Be proud of all you have done this far, not guilty about what you can’t do going forward.

Number 1, your children come first. Don’t feel bad about this, it is just the way it should be. They deserve a happy Mum, not one run into the ground. Particularly as you have 2 that might need a bit more help and attention.

Number 2, yes absolutely you deserve to have a job. You need to be able to plan for your own future and give the children all the things you want them to have.

Number 3) Mum is probably not going to like the changes going forward, she may be difficult. Brace yourself for this. When I had similar issues, someone gave me the “carers Teflon coat” which lets all the moaning and abuse slide off. I’ll pass this on to you. Let it bounce off you. You know things need to change and actually once the change and upheaval are over your relationship with Mum might even be better. I hated my Mum at times when my caring roll was full on. Now things are more balanced we have nice times again! Hold that thought!

The start for getting help is a needs assessment from your local authority adult social care team. Details should be on their website. Be very clear with them that you can no longer give any care to Mum.

As Bowlingbun asks, does your Mum have a home she could move back into?

It isn’t easy, but it can get better.

So i cared for my mum i used to come on here and chat to u guys but reason why i have not been on is on friday 29th november at 9 20 mornjng in marie curie hospice my mum passed away i miss her so so much my heart is broken in two yes any way the marie curie staff were very very helpful and a lovley place to just sit and chill and be with u loved ones i am sorry if i have put my message in wrong place i dont know what else to say to u guys but thank you to all who helped and gave me advice wen my mum was alive thank u xxx trisha

Oh Trisha, so sorry for your loss. Hopefully one of the admins on here could make yours a separate thread, so that it doesn’t get lost as I am sure many will want to pass on their condolences?

Please be kind to yourself whilst you are grieving. One small step at a time in arranging the funeral etc.

Sending big virtual hugs and best wishes. xxxx