New member

Hi everyone

I’m new here and not sure if I’ve posted in the right place.

I’m a carer for my 89 year old Mother who is mentally very sharp but physically she is extremely frail and has health issues. In some ways I feel I have always been supporting her but over the last few years she’s been in a gradual decline. Lots of falls, hospitals etc etc.

Her care agency changed just before Christmas and I found it enormously stressful as Social Services struggled to get cover but did eventually.

Mum is requiring so much support now that I’m struggling to cope. My mental and physical health has crashed but somehow I have to keep going. As well as working too. I think unless one is in this situation it is difficult for people to grasp the impact it has on one’s life. Today there’s been 12 phone calls around Mum’s care, last Thursday it was six. Every day there is something. I have to keep taking time off work - either unpaid or holiday to deal with stuff. This week I’ll have to take time off tomorrow and Wednesday.

I feel that I don’t have a life. All the things I want to do are put on hold. I’ve felt that I’ve had to isolate myself due to the virus because who would support her if I couldn’t? My Mum finds it difficult to ask the carers to do things so she waits until I visit. I haven’t had a proper rest in such a long time because it’s there 24/7.

I have tried to reach out to various agencies but I’m not heard. I feel embarrassed that I’m just descending into tears on the phone all the time. I’m having to maintain this exterior of coping when inside I’m not.


Sadly, mum is only going to get worse until she passes away.
It’s all very sad, my mum was frail for many years, until she needed to much care 24/7 that residential became the only option left. Never what someone wants, but it was what mum needed.
When did mum last have a Needs Assessment, and you, a Carers Assessment?
Does mum own or rent her home?
Have over £23,000 in savings?
The more help mum accepts in her home, the longer she can stay there.

The trouble with agencies that are meant to help us is that they’re under pressure and tend to leave people struggling until they reach breaking point. Partly because they’re so pressured they don’t notice ours.

So tell them. Don’t dress it up. Don’t be excessively polite. Put it in simple terms and back it up in writing.

“I need help. I can’t carry on like this.”

That’s it. Tell social services exactly that and ask them to review/carry out a Needs Assessment on your Mum AND a Carers Assessment on you. If they say you’re not due one tell them that the situation has changed because you can’t carry on like this without collapsing.

Put the ball in their court.

Part of that should be to get you a break from caring - a holiday. Even if it’s at home.