Hi, I currently live with my mum and have done since my dad died a few years ago. Covid wasn’t good for mum amd she went from being out all the time to being scared and fearful. Mum has also become more frail and poorly over the last few years. Most recently with a spinal fracture due to osteoporosis. Mum has always been demanding and this has also become worse recently. She was offered a care package and refused saying I could do it even though I work full time. I am just at my wits end at the moment amd feeling very overwhelmed with the amount of care I am doing and am now off work with stress. I am terrified of losing my job, work have been very good but there is a limit. I am trying to stay positive but mum is refusing to even talk about extra help. She has said some very unkindly things and tells me not to get upset as I am she is one that is unwell. I love her but I can’t go on like this.
Hi Honeycatgirl,
Welcome to the forum. A lot of carees say the same I don’t need paid carers - my son/daughter / spouse will look after me. They have little comprehension of how much care they actually need nor how much pressure this puts on the family member.
You definitely don’t want to lose your job.
Does your Mum claim attendance allowance? It’s not means tested. As a first step, some of this money could be used to hire a cleaner/ carer. You could tell your Mum they aren’t there for her but to help YOU out because you are exhausted caring and working and if you go under then who will look after her. Which is very true.
Hi @Melly1
Mum won’t accept any outside help, not even from her friends, she won’t even call them. She says I put all this pressure on myself and its not her fault and that I should be happy to help her as she did me when I was a child. She also claims she is fine to look after herself but when I tried to go to work today we had this whole middle of the night episode when she asked me not too. I of course gave in as I feel so guilty.
Agreed. Either mum accepts care or you move out!
You are her daughter, not slave, keep saying that to her.
How old are you, and mum?
Is she claiming any disability benefits?
Does she have a tumble dryer? Dishwasher? Adapted bathroom?
@bowlingbun I wish I could move out but I dont really see how I can do that. We have lived together since dad died 20yrs ago and when I tried to move out then she threated to kill herself. I am 49, an only child and mum 85. I do everything around the house and have done really since Covid, all the cooking, cleaning and washing. Mum can make herself tea and heat up soup when I am at work but that is it. Her sight is very bad too so that is an issue. I feel so guilty but the caring is now really 24/7 and I can’t see a way out. I am determined to go to work next Monday whatever may happen. I am getting a carers assesment tomorrow as well.
Sorry to say this Honeycatgirl but you have two choices - carry on as you are or insist on changes.
If your Mum is likely to gatecrash your carers assessment, I suggest you do it away from the house so you can speak honestly and openly.
In light relief - do you have cats? There are quite a few cat lovers on the forum, me included.
You might like to add pics here
@Melly1 I realise that and it is becoming more apparent every day. Yes I am going to out out for the assessment as I suspect it will cause more strife. Thank you for your replies I just meed to act on them!
I used to have a cat, called Honey hence my username. I do miss having one around. Your kitty picture is so lovely.
Does mum or rent her home? If she rents from a housing association or council, you will probably be asked to move out 4 weeks after mum dies or moves into residential care. This is so unfair, but you need to be aware of this. When she has a Needs Assessment, it should look at all the care she needs to live well and safely, including everything you have to do for her! Then the cost of ALL this care should be calculated. Then either mum can have a choice of how that care is provided. Either carers coming in OR have the money given to her so she or you can arrange it yourself.
We own the house together. It is my hope mum will accept carers and I am trying to talk to her about that. I tried to talk to her about Power of Attorney but that was a disaster.
I am going to try my best to get back to work and see if that forces the issue. Try getting the Social Worker involved.
@Honeycatgirl Welcome from me too. I can only echo the comments given by Melly and BB. Please DO NOT give up your job. Old people can become very demanding and selfish and YOU have a right to a life too. I definitely think you need to keep pushing for a cleaner. Are there things that you can do to make your life easier? Online grocery deliveries for example. You have to keep stressing to your mother, that you cannot carry on like this and if you have a breakdown, what will happen then?
I hope the Carers Assessment goes well. One option might be to go to your GP and get on file how stressed you are?
I used to breed and show cats but sadly as a Carer for my very difficult 84 nearly 85 year old husband, that stopped. My cats are my world though. I had to fight very hard to carve any life out for myself, and tbh it is mega difficult right now as I think he is becoming a danger to himself. Do you have any close friends? I am an only child too so I can relate to a lot of what you say when I felt pressured to care for my late father. Thankfully I resisted as was already caring for my husband but he told the Hospital and GP staff that his daughter WANTED to care for him.
Hi @Honeycatgirl and welcome from me too.
Obviously I don’t know your situation but what you’re telling us suggests that Mum is like many other older people: scared of losing their independence to strangers. Family is ok - they won’t take advantage. So instead they end up taking advantage of your goodwill until you’re trapped. Side note: the fact that so many parents assume that their adult children will take over the caring role shows how scared they are that if they ask you, you won’t do it. As for this thing about “you owe me because I did it for you”…this site self-monitors for bad language so I can’t say what I would really like to. It’s emotional blackmail of the worst kind (even this is likely to be flagged…). There’s a huge difference, but let’s just look at the legal side. A parent has a legal duty to meet the needs of their child. An adult child has no legal duty. Because that would be slavery, in law. And there’s a law against that.
First things first: go back to work. Arrange with your boss to go back on reduced hours and build up over time. Don’t discuss it with Mum. Tell her you’re going back to work and let her get on with it. If she tells you she can’t cope, tell her that her only choice is to accept outside help. It will be hard to do this, but it will get easier over time and the stress should ease off. That said, the emotional blackmail is likely to continue for a while until she gets used to it.
Do you both have a mobile phone? She can always contact in an emergency and during a break you can give her a quick status check call to reassure her you’re still concerned for her. You’ll need to set strict rules on that.
Basically, you need to take control of your situation to make it work for you. It’s going to be difficult, but if you don’t, you’ll stay trapped.
My mum was very similar to yours in many ways. She last worked around 1947, dad was a civil servant who worked away from home a lot, and as mum’s back became increasingly painful she gave up going out on her own altogether, and increasingly lost touch with reality. After dad died, she was entirely my responsibility. Soon after I had major surgery, my husband died and I was disabled in a car accident, yet still mum “saved” jobs for me! My youngest son had severe learning difficulties, I was virtually unable to walk, trying to run our business single handed, but mum kept ringing me up for a chat when I was trying to work!! On the verge of a breakdown, I had counselling, it was life changing for me and I would strongly recommend it for you. The counsellor was horrified at my workload and mum’s expectations. Dumping the guilt was one of his first achievements! He taught me to feel proud of what I was doing for mum, not guilty about what I wasn’t. He realised I was so busy running round everyone else that there was zero time for me. He encouraged me to do things that made me feel good about myself. Realising I was utterly exhausted, he supported me to take short breaks. He also taught me how to deal with mum’s never ending list of jobs! Mum was very good at blaming everyone else for things, rewriting history, nothing was ever her own fault! Having someone impartial looking at my life was life changing. I would never be able to change mum, she was too set in her ways, but I could change the way I responded to her demands. Your mum is incredibly lucky to have a daughter, luckier still to have you living with her, but you are not her slave. The harsh reality for you is that you need to work to earn a living as mum is going to die before you are of pension age. When you have your Carers Assessment, ask for funding for ongoing counselling to help you manage mum.
Thank you @selinakylie these words and advice they mean so much to me. Mum knows I can’t realistically give up work, it would be devastating for us both. I need to be stronger and firmer with her which I have not been very good at.
I miss having a cat so much, even a dog to take out would be good. It is difficult trying to carve out that time but I know I have to. I haven’t seen my close friends in a year now although we do talk and one is especially very supportive. Being an only child in these situations is very difficult.
Hi @Charlesh47 thank you for the welcome and the words. I am determined to get back to work, this current situation can’t go on. I work fairly close to home and was phoning mum during the day too so we can still do that. I do need to force this issue by going back otherwise it won’t change. Mum is not going to change so I need to. It’s just tough, mum presses all my buttons and the guilt I feel is so heavy.
@bowlingbun That sounds so tough and so stressful and I can relate. The things mum says to me and to others about me makes it seem all is ok and she is taken care of no problem. We can ask for counselling through work so I am going to investigate that. I am on medication fromnthe doctor but know thats not the whole solution.
I know me and mum can’t go on like this. Our relationship is stuffering.
You have my sympathies as I am in a similar sort of situation as you but my Mum is wonderful. She is never demanding and never gets angry. I just give in because I feel so sorry for her. She’s become such a fragile and frail lady and it breaks my heart. She still tries to do her bit, bless her even though she knows she can’t.
I don’t know why but I feel guilty. It’s probably because of the years of domestic abuse she got from her husband.
Good luck with the carers assessment and I hope it goes well. I hope your work are empathetic and supportive. Best wishes,
Thank you. It is a tough situation and I like feel so bad for my mum too. Pain is no joke.
You mum sounds lovely and someone who has been through a lot.
Just have to take it a day at a time.
You will get there eventually. Mum’s now accepted she has an incontinence problem and she can’t do what she was able to do. She’s also accepted she will have to go to the hospital appointments etc.
I still struggle with the possibility of a carer - she closes her eyes which means “shut the f*** up, I’m not listening to you”.
There are some absolute gems on here. They’ve helped me out so much with ideas and thoughts. Half the time I don’t know if I am coming or going but they’ve helped me stay sane. Please listen to what they say and take their advice on board. It really will help.
I do hope so. Acceptance for mum is some way off. It is all stages.
I definitely think having some sort of outside care would take the pressure off. That is the hope anyway.
Everyone has ben so helpful and welcoming on here and I am going to explore the other boards. It is good to know you are not alone and have somewhere to escape to.
Hi Honeycatgirl, I really feel for you. I am seeing my GP tomorrow to finally open up about how stressed I am feeling. It has taken me around 5 months to be brave enough to make the appointment. I have a lovely rescue cat called Kitty. I have not worked out how to share a pic on ghe forum or I would post one of her to cheer us both up. 