Can't carry on caring anymore

I could do with some suggestions.

I currently live with my mother who is in her 80’s she has 2 carers coming in 4 x a day to see to her since July. Prior to this I was caring for my mother but I was struggling more mentally than physically with this. I was glad when she had to go into hospital as it gave me a much needed break as I was neglecting my own physical and mental wellbeing. Constantly on edge, tired, forgetful I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I did start to feel better when she was in hospital but her constant phone calls if I didn’t answer the call became so much so that I hid the phone, I started to dread her calls. Her constant negativity and manipulation affected me more mentally than any care I did for her physically. All we ever talk about is her ailments, pain, ordering meds, social worker, carers it’s depressing. I’ve become overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done that I need to follow up on for my mother things in the house, people to ring, cleaning etc. I haven’t even begun to address things I need to do for me. I ‘m working full-time and by the weekend I’m shattered. I’m currently of sick from work but there’s no let up. It seems my mum is quite happy to wait until the carers come in, no matter what I suggest, about doing anything, rather than sitting all day.
Carers – I’ve had run ins with the carers, constantly leaving taps running, putting gloves and aprons in the recycling bins and I would prefer my mum get rid off them and try another (I am generally for people to make their own decisions). I’ve been trying to avoid them in the morning so I’m up very early so as not to see them as I know we will have a row. The final straw came when the carer I argued with told me that she wouldn’t listen to me I’m here for your mum. I told my mother I didn’t want her to come back but she said, that she was concerned how it would affect her. I get that older people are concerned about the knock -on affect for them but I was gobsmacked my mother showed little regard to how this unprofessional itch responded knowing how annoyed I was.

Social Worker – when my mum did get through to her sorry ass, she gave her telephone number of another care agency. Isn’t the social worker meant to arrange this if you want to change rather than expect my 80 year old mother to do so. As I don’t want to be involved with any of it. I’ve had enough and my mother couldn’t stay at home without me doing all the other stuff that I do. I don’t have anything left in the tank to give and I need to look after myself.

I wanted to know what happened for any other carer who was in a similar position and moved out how they did it so it was as smooth a transition as possible. As whilst I don’t want to live with my mother anymore things would need to be in place before I did leave. Also I wondered about getting an Advocate to speak on my mothers behalf as I’m tired of doing so. I don’t know if any of this makes sense.
Any suggestions much appreciated.

Hello Dee

You are understandably frazzled with the emotional demands from your mother with her conversational topic of her health and the issues with the carers.

Plan A - independence for your mother so you can move out

That will take more energy to achieve it and it will be in your interest to be involved in a change of care company and have the carers instructed to do other duties when they have 10 or 20 minutes of their time left like change the bed or empty the washing machine to hang on the airer and fill the washing machine, they did things like that for my mum but things like hoovering was for their domestic team who were paid more.

Plan B - What if Plan A doesn’t work?

These are for you to ask yourself and to find the solution.
What if your mothers independence doesn’t work out/doesn’t happen?
Do you stay and get domestic help?
Does your mum go into assisted accommodation or to a residential home?

Bin issue - put a note kindly requesting they use the waste bin - coloured xxx for their PPE
If they continue to use the recycling bin write a letter to the care company manager asking that they remind the carers that their PPE is not recyclable and must go in the xxx colour waste bins and failure for adherence will result in you informing the council refuse department that carers are putting hazardous waste into recycling bins in the area.

If you don’t inform the management they don’t know about it and can’t take issue with their staff.

For now, have some boundaries, allocate some ‘me time’ be that in your own room do not disturb time or out on your own time with your phone off at the gym or with friends.

I hope things go smoothly for your transition to independence.

Being completely self focussed is a common trait of the very elderly, especially when health is failing. They just can’t see how much others are running round them. Sat unable to move much, my mum just dreamed up more and more jobs for me!
You say mum has the maximum amount of care Social Services provide.
Is it now time she moved into residential care?
Are you over 60?
This will affect any financial assessment if mum owns the house, it’s value will be disregarded!
Ultimately you cannot be forced to provide any care.
I reached the point when I realised I just couldn’t do it any more as her needs increased with age and disability.
Counselling helped me realise that I should be proud of enabling mum to stay home for years, not guilty for not being able to do it any more.
Residential care meant I could be mum’s daughter again, not slave. The last months were special for us.

Hello Dee

I hope you have had time to read the replies and found some useful and helpful advice there.
Hope all is going as well as it can.