hi im new here ive moved my mother into my family home a year ago as she fell and badly broke her shoulder and couldnt do anything for herself, since then a whole variety of ill health has happened her copd went out of control in and out of hospital heart failure kidneys not good but worse of all progressive supra nucral palsy omg from jan to now the decline in mobility vision commmunication etc is unbeliveable, i knew for a while something wasnt right with he brain but this is so sad to see her brain dont connect to her eyes her thinking process and solving things her mobility he has had this years and we didnt know. i have had to stop work too care full time i do everything for her wash cook sort meds deal with hundreds of hospital calls drs physios occuptional therphist the works im drained on top i have ra bad hip ,l sleep on sofa to watch mum in night as she dont sleep my family are great but i have lost my home its like a hospital wih all the equiptment and visits from nhs ive lost my freedom and my randomness to spend time with grankids going out with them enjoying them and i am being made t feel bad guy by my sister if i mention nursing home, she helps a bit basically she washes mum i physically cant bend to wash bottom half with bad hip i do everything else that i feel im at breaking point and my sisters family have goes at me saying she is not ready for home so im really upset i said im done am i being unreasonable or selfish for wanting my life back and mums brain is going to get worse and i can only do so much


Jeanette, if you can’t carry on, for very good reasons, and your sister doesn’t like the idea of residential care, then the solution is simple. Mum moves in with sister!!!

From what you describe, with mum’s decline, she now needs a team of carers available 24/7, and that means she NEEDS residential care. Never what anyone wants, but it’s what mum needs.

Ask Social Services to do a Needs Assessment for mum and a Carers Assessment for you, as soon as possible.
You cannot be forced to care, it’s very wrong of your sister to “guilt trip” you into continuing to look after mum when you are poorly yourself.

thank you i didnt think i was being unreasonable i love mum but her needs are getting too great just needed reasurence im doing whats best for mum and i have too think of my family too thanks

Jeannette I second what Bowlingbun has said.

it’s alright for your sister, she isn’t doing the 24/7 and all that it is costing you in your life, family and the toll on your body and health.
Get your sister to sleep on the sofa a few nights so you can sleep in a bed for your hip.

A home has a team of people to care for your mum, you are just one person with a family on top.
Your mum has gone through a terrible time and a massive deterioration, she needs to be in nursing care home.

You are not being unreasonable, you are being realistic and honest by saying you can’t do it, that you cannot manage it now because it has become too much.

Your sister is being unreasonable and needs to face reality and accept the right thing to do is have her mum where she will get the full and proper professional care she needs to be looked after properly.
It is hard to face up to it and accept it and even harder to do it.

It doesn’t mean that you don’t love her, she is still your mum, you still love her and care about her but it’s time for the professionals to give your mum the care she needs now.

My mum has elected for her end of life care to be in hospital and not at home because she doesn’t want me making ill doing all the car and everything myself (outside of the carer and nurse visits). She wants them to do all the work and so we can have quality time together. I was upset at first but also relieved that I wouldn’t be having that on my shoulders.

Please get help now not later on. Good luck.

Jeanette, my brothers visited mum about once a year, but would then tell me what more I should be doing for mum! They didn’t want her health issues to affect them. Everyone else in your family are putting their needs first. If you don’t stick up for yourself then the situation will continue. You are now in charge of the situation. Talk to your doctor about the effect this is having on you and your health…
Find out more about local homes.
Which home mum moves to will largely depend on her financial situation.

Does mum have over £23,000 in savings? If so she will be classed as “self funding”.
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Has mum been giving you money towards housekeeping? For the care you provide, as you gave up work to care?
Did mum own or rent her former home?

pallitive care now involved gonna apply for nhs funding as mum as complex medical needs it can pay for care home for her but list is selective but its a start it takes a bit of time but at least some help thankyou people

From a funding point of view that is good news, but of course it also means mum is very poorly. Expect feeling of grieving at times, my mum was in a nursing home for a few months, she seemed to improve a bit, then there was another complication, like a roller coaster ride!