Adult son with BPD

I am new here so hope I am posting correctly.
My son is 21 and has recently been diagnosed with Avoidance Personality Disorder. He literally avoids everything including life! He has many traits of BPD including the anger, verbal abuse, meltdowns, self loathing. But he is also kind and affectionate so is almost a split personality. He spends nearly all his time in bed and stays there all day while we work and pay for everything. He is at university but with minimal attendance and just scraped through to the final year. His condition has taken its toll on us to the point where I am now off sick with stress for the first time in my life at 52. I can see others are suffering the same thing and I guess I know there is no answer to this. My only question is has anyone received help from the mental health services? I have begged for help and they have not provided any treatment or ongoing support. He has been told to exercise and try to join a club. He is not capable of speaking to family members let alone anything else. He has become frustrated and angry and feels isolated so we are at a loss of who to turn to. Any advise on how to get help would be much appreciated as I feel so helpless.

Have you had any contact with Mind UK.

You do have choices but you just need to be able to gather the strength. At the moment you are tired. When tired we don’t focus we just want a listening ear and help.

You are in the right place!!!

Have you made any connections within your local area i.e. carers groups

Your son is an adult and it’s sounds he can be OK on his own terms.

Sometimes we need to go back to basics. Think of him when he was a small child how to you manage him. If he feels unable to co-operate within the family. You need to begin setting boundaries etc.

Try not to let him take control. I know as your read this you are thinking. I perhaps haven’t understood. Yes, I have. In a previous life I looked after many adults with difficulties.

There is …

Even though this can be for adult with a learning disabilities. There are many tactic you could adapt for your current situation.

Your son may have his difficulties so don’t we all to varying degrees. We do not however control to are own advantage. We develop skills to get our needs met.

You need to get him to make a list of his expectations and you need to do the same. Swap them over.

It’s a basic a starting point. Everyone need to know what is expected. And things/actions that will not to be tolerated.


Thank you so much, everything you say is spot on! My partner said he believed he was controlling the situation because it’s easier for him to avoid everything than face being a grown up which he was always afraid of.

Mind have been involved but they only gave him six counselling sessions and then have offered nothing else.

Our doctor said mental health is chronically underfunded and there is minimal help in our area.

I do need to set boundaries as we have been tiptoeing around him to avoid meltdowns which has resulted in me and my partner being badly effected.

It’s still hard to see someone you love and have given a lovely childhood turn into such an unhappy person and not be able to anything. It’s going to be a long haul and I don’t know how it will end up it’s scary.

There is a facebook group for APD. Most of it seems to relatie to younger children, but you might find something helpful there.

Some google searches make interesting reading.