Worst mistake of my life

Feeling totally burnt out caring for my 83 year old mother who has anxiety/ depression and very little mobility. I gave up work 3 years ago to look after her full time and can honestly say it was the worst decision of my life. All she ever does is live in the past and never sees any positives. It has ruined me financially and mentally. I have no life outside of caring for her. We have tried respite and she always finds problems with the homes so it never works and she just cries on the phone to come home. I’m one of 4 siblings but only one of my sisters really helps out on a Saturday so I can get a few hours out. I worry for my future as if mam did go into care permanently I would then be homeless and jobless and not in the right mental state of mind to start again. Feel like I’m living on a knife edge constantly which isn’t a great feeling. Sorry just needed to rant as I know there are others in same situation. Caring for relatives really does suck.

Please can you explain why you think you will be homeless?

If my mam goes into care I have no income at all and won’t be able to afford to stay in the house as won’t be able to afford bills and care costs…

You may be making a few mistaken assumptions there.
Does mum own the house, or rent it?
Are you aware of the rules relating to the consideration of capital assets if mum goes into a care home?
Start by Googling “Charging for Care”.

Thanks Bowlingbun. Just feel really worried at the moment. Mam owns her house

There are special rules if a family member is living in the house.
A while ago, another forum member had a house but struggled to run it. She took a lodger, and it worked well.

Hi Gary

Your best bet is to contact the Helpline. It’s available Monday to Friday 9-6pm, but you can also email. I’d suggest you email them over the weekend with your concerns. Give as much detail as you can about your income and the situation re the house, etc. The address is advice@carersuk.org

Thanks Charles I will contact them

I just signed up for an account to say - Gary…I know EXACTLY how you feel. Almost to a T. I wish I had some advice on how to manage but I just try to keep my brain switched off and my engine running haha! Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in how you’re feeling and you’re not the only one in the same situation. :slight_smile:

If your mum goes into a care home then the house might not need to be sold - it depends on the certain circumstances but they do have a duty to take each case on it’s own merit. If the other person living in the house is a dependant such as someone under 18 or over 60 or is ‘incapacitated’ such as in receipt of any of the disability benefits etc, then it doesn’t have to be sold and therefore doesn’t count towards mum’s capital when they are judging how much she’ll have to pay towards her fees.

However, that’s potentially a way off. Full time care is always a last resort and they ‘should’ do everything to keep people at home, but that does mean that you have to be clear, determined and forceful about what you need. Do you want to make a clean break and not be responsible for her or do you want to go back out to work or do you just want a full day off or some daily help? What are her care needs, I.e. if you weren’t there what would she need to have help with? You need to think about how much you would like to change and decide what is the minimum of help you can cope with and then get a needs assessment for you both. At the end of the day, if you break down she’ll have nobody and so it’s yours and their best interests to help you before that happens, Good luck!

Thanks Lena and Henry’s Cat I appreciate you taking the time to respond and your advice. I will post an update soon

I have nothing to add but just want to wish you luck and hope all works out for you.

I am just coming in to say I hear it’s really tough on you. My mother is 82, also with severe anxiety and depression. I feel you need some support for you.

Contact your local authority and ask to speak to someone from the housing / homelessness team. They should be able to give you some advice. Failing that, contact Shelter - it’s a charity that are experts in housing. If you have priority need for rehousing, you might get something quite quickly - dependent on where you live, I think in London it might be about 20 years!

If the worst comes to the worst and Mum’s house is sold, they will give you some priority for rehousing or they may put you into a hostel for the short term so you have a roof over your head whilst you sort something more permanent out.

Let us know how you get on.