I’m new here. My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last August. She alternates between being loving and blaming me in a verbally aggressive way as well as treating me as the ‘butler’. I have seen the recommended approach, namely confirming the issue, recognising the emotion, reassuring and distracting (including hugging). However these often do not work, so I’m wondering if there are other tips. Thanks.
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hey @Michael_J ,welcome to the forum. it is hard when love ones are nice one min and horrid the next. I get that from my mum who is bipoalar. There no easy answer, the only thing I can suggest is speaking to the Alzheimers society or have a word with Doctor and see if they can get you some extra help and support. I hate to say it but with your wife condition , it will not get any better but as I said get some support and they might be able to help you.
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Hi Michael, welcome to the forum.
There are others on the forum with much more personal experience of dementia that me. So to help their replies, I’ll just ask a few basic questions. Some will seem irrelevant, but they are very important.
How old are you both?
Are you working, or retired?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Is you wife now receiving all the disability benefits which she is entitled to?
Once she is in receipt of either PIP, if under pension age, or Attendance Allowance, if over pension age, she becomes EXEMPT from Council Tax due to “severe mental impairment”. A horrible term, but easy to claim via your local council. They will write to her GP for confirmation. Has your wife had a Needs Assessment from Social Services, and you, a Carers Assessment (which looks at support you might need in your caring role).
Hi. I’m sorry that you are having such a difficult time. You have come to the right place for advice and support, and when you feel the need to vent!
Mu Mum is 99 and has some and worsening cognitive decline. She lives alone. Last year, I attended a course “caring for dementia carers” run by Promas, a charity based in Cornwall. Prior to this course, my relationship with Mum had become awful. She was having tantrums and saying that I did nothing for her and she wanted me to leave. This course made a huge difference. We still have tiffs, but I’ve learnt how to manage them better and to look after myself so that I’m less tired and stressed. I also attended an online NHS sleep awareness course, which also helped.
My advice would be to attend similar course, if available in your area. Promas do some courses where they arrange for care for those that require it. In addition, get some time for yourself, get help, let those close to you know what’s going on. My initial thought was “I don’t have time for this” but it was well worth putting in the effort.
One of the people on the caring course was a carer for his wife with Alzheimer’s. He said that things were at their worst when he was preparing dinner. They asked who used to do the cooking. The answer was his wife, but that she was unable to cook now. They suggested that when he was cooking, he gave her a task to “help” like stirring the meal as it cooked. The next day he came back and was on the verge of tears. He’d given his wife a stirring task during meal prep and everything was calm. This story really helped me. I always try and give Mum something she can do if I’m doing something she can’t do. It has helped.
Finally, good luck.
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Thank you so much for your advice. Yes, it is hard, but I have to make the best of it.
Thank you for your advice. I am aware of all the benefits you mentioned except for the council tax reduction, which I am in the process of applying for. Much appreciated for pointing this out.
Thank you so much for the advice. Everything you say makes sense to me. I’m particularly taken by what you mention about giving a task. I shall try it.
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To claim, contact the council tax department of your council, it’s a simple process, for once. Explain that you would like to claim exemption due to “Severe Mental Impairment” (SMI). They will send you a simple form asking for permission to speak to the doctor. They then send a form to the doctor. It’s an easy thing to claim. As it’s an exemption not a benefit, they should backdate your claim to the date the disability benefit was granted. Martin Lewis says he knows of someone who had a refund of over £8,000! In return, all I ask is that when you meet someone else caring for someone with an SMI, you pass on the information.
PS Can we turn predictive text off on the forum???
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T h a n k s, w i l l d o.
@bowlingbun I think the predictive text is on your device rather than on the forum.
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How can I turn it off??
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@bowlingbun it will likely be in your device settings. If it were me, I’d Google it.
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@Melly1 my iPad does that but it’s faint in the background and the words come up below above they keyboard and if it’s the right word you can click on it so it brings the whole word up without typing or just ignore it and carry on typing. It’s good so you know if you spelt something right.
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As a touch typist I don’t always look at what I’ve typed until the end, but predictive text sometimes makes “mincemeat” of my sentences.