Dementia-stricken Wife - I'm terrified

Please, if you can, offer any assistance. I’ve been married for nearly 26 years, but lately my wife’s behavior has been scaring me.I believed I was capable and strong enough to handle anything, but I’m not. I’ve learned this the hard way.
Sadly, I’ve been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, which means that I have an all-or-nothing personality, which means that everything is either yes or no, and so on.
As a result, it calls for unwavering commitment in every way. My “rock” is no longer there, and at times I am actually terrified. I don’t feel like I have someone to turn to for support.
I could sink into a pit of depression right now, but it would serve no purpose.
I’m getting ready for another Carers assessment, but if anyone has any good ideas, thoughts, or advice, I’d appreciate it. However, I doubt anyone will be able to offer much assistance. As a token of azar echat respect,

Hi Walt,

Caring for someone with dementia is difficult for NT, but I imagine it must be even worse for someone on the spectrum who relies on that person for their own support.

My suggestion is that you ask for counselling sessions with someone who understands Asperger’s so that they can help you talk through what is happening and develop strategies to cope.


Hi Walt, welcome to the forum.

Can I ask how old you and your wife are?

Write a list of everything that’s worrying you about her behaviour or care, then put it in order of importance to you.
Share the three things at the top of the list, and we may be able to share our own experiences with you.

Are you claiming disability benefits for her? Did you know that she is EXEMPT from Council Tax now?

I care for my grandmother who has dementia and it’s been 7 years. First thing I noticed was her becoming testy. She started to not be the sweet grandma anymore. She also started calling me a liar because she couldn’t remember things. I was getting puzzled as to why she couldn’t remember things. Then it started to dawn on me. Got her diagnosed and started on medication.

Now, seven years later, she can’t remember anything from a minute ago. Yet, she can tell you anything from 50 years ago like it just happened. Crazy how this disease works.

Alzheimer’s is the most depressing disease on the planet.

My grandmother passed away from it. My mother keeps joking about that if she ever gets it, I should smother her in her sleep. I always brushed it off but I’m more and more thinking she’s serious and I have no idea how to handle it.

I hope we find a cure. No one deserves to go through it.

I can understand this Walt.
3 years ago I knew something in my wife had changed. She was falling over at home , she wasn’t making decisions any more and she had changed from a beautiful, independent free thinking person, to someone who was becoming more frightened, more forgetful and more depressed.
After a particularly bad episode we talked and I decided to give up my job and spend more time with her. I’m glad I did, because the reality of her situation hit me full on within a couple of weeks.
We had an assessment carried out by our local denentia support unit and they confirmed she had alzheimers. That was in November 2020.
Since then there has been a decline in her memory and she has developed mobility issues which limit her walking, and anxieties about leaving the house and visiting hospitals, all made worse during lockdown.
Her depression has also got worse.
During the past 2 years, with l9ckdowns, covid restrictions, and positive covid tests amongst support staff, we have had very little support from external agencies.
The strong, independent, free thinking decision making woman I lived with for 40 years has gone, and been replaced with an anxious, depressed, totally dependent woman who needs help with her personal hygiene, with getting dressed, and who no longer wants to do anything or go anywhere.
Some days her complete dependency irritates and frustrates me. I know it will only get worse.
The future is bleak, and my terror is that something happens to me, who 5hen would look after my wife?
Some days I cry when I think of where we now are and what our future will be…
I understand your terrors, I understand what its like to lose your partner, but still have to look after the person they have become. I remind myself everyday that my wife is still my sweetheart, she may not remember that, but I do.