Is this to be expected

Hi, this is my first post. My wife has Alzhiemers Her memory is bad and she gets very confused and muddled. She is on Rivastigmine.

Hi taff welcome to the forum
Sadly it is something to be expected. Your wife doesn’t mean to hurt you, even though I know it certainly does very much! I taught myself to shake off the hurtful, sometimes venomous comments my husband made, and treasure the good times we could have together. He had vascular dementia and other issues.
Have you been in touch with the Alzheimer’s association, or if you have them in your area, the admiral nurses. They can be very helpful.
I’m very sorry that you are going through this. You can vent as much as you would like on the forum, no one judges. I used to! It helped me a great deal

I’m sorry your wife’s condition is deteriorating.

Has anyone told you that since your wife developed dementia, she has been completely exempt from Council Tax? This is easy to claim, and can be backdated!
She is also entitled to Disability Living Allowance, if over 65, if under 65, Personal Independence Payment.
I routinely give anyone mentioning dementia this information, as so many people are not told at all.

Thanks for your answers.

I’m dismayed that she isn’t already receiving Attendance Allowance. Apply asap.
The form can look very daunting, but unless it’s changed recently, there’s a yes/no question at the top of the page, if your reply is No you go directly to the next page.
There may be an Age UK branch near you, or a disability advice service, who can help you with the form.
I’m not sure that claiming AA is a requirement for this.
Our Carers UK will be able to help with that.

They’ve changed the .gov section, really badly, not helpful.
However if you google “Alzheimers severe mental impairment” you will find all you need to know.
You have to be ELIGIBLE for Attendance Allowance, not neccessarily claiming it.
I suggest you download the relevant section and give it to your council!

Thanks for the info Bowlingbun. It’s nice to know help is only a click away.

Hi Taff,
I’m currently at home a lot, trying to avoid the rest of the human race as much as possible, for health reasons.
I’m doing incredibly boring filing etc. so every time I have a coffee I see what’s going on in the rest of the world via my keyboard as the coffee cools!

I’ve also noticed.

Hi Taff,
Welcome to the forum.

It’s my understanding that as your wife has dementia, you sons should be ok to visit to give you a break as they are in effect caring for a vulnerable person (their Mum.)

Very sad when the dementia makes your wife talk nonsense. It is however her reality, so best to go along with it and then change the subject. Less stressful for both of you.


Others on the forum have mentioned two books that might help.
One is called “Contented Dementia”
The other is called “The Selfish Pig’s Guide to Caring” by Hugh Marriott. He lived near me and gave a great talk to our carers group, many years ago.

Hi Taff

I’m afraid that the changes you are noting in your wife’s behaviour are all to be expected.

I think you might benefit from reading “Contented Dementia” by Oliver James. It promotes the idea that it’s better for us to live in their world rather than try to change their mindset - for instance don’t keep telling them that they are wrong about something but try to make a neutral reply and change the subject.

My Mum had Alzheimer’s Dementia and would get fixated on certain things - she regularly wanted to know where her parents were, saying she had to get back to them as they would be worried about her (her Dad died in 1945 and her Mum in 1954). My usual reply was along the lines of saying that her Mum was shopping and her Dad was at work - and then ask if she’d like a cup of tea. She was also convinced that there were children living downstairs - she lived in a ground floor flat ! As the dementia progressed she no longer recognised me and would often tell me that I had to leave because her daughter was due home from work (I’d been retired for 5 years at that point and living with her for 3 years) or else she would tell me that her daughter was working in Beirut - where that one came from I’ve no idea, but to her it was very real.

My husband used to tell me he had been to Barcelona or similar. I would ask him if the weather had been good. Next day he would have been in Scotland! I didn’t dampen his thoughts, as at least he was happy with his confabulations. If he had confabulations, I would say something like oh love you had bad dreams, you must have taken your medication at a different time. Thankfully he would agree with me. Would distract as quickly as I could. Kind lies, I called them. I think you learn how to respond to your loved one in the best way you feel.

Thanks everyone for your advice. As you all know it takes a long time to get diagnosed after the first GP visit. It’s taken nearly two years for us, although we had noticed something was wrong even earlier. Looking back I can see that little things my wife had started to do ,were probably the start of it. I’ve made a note of the book. Thanks.

Since I last posted I’ve got AA sorted, and my wife is now exempt from council tax. Took a while, but got there in the end. I’m sick of hearing people whinging on the news, about being fed up with restrictions, they want to try being a carer!!

Agreed. As a pensioner, I don’t even get Carers Allowance!

Taff, well done for getting all that sorted.

Caring IS tough, and only those who are doing/have done it, appreciate how relentless it can be.

Using the Attendance Allowance to buy in some help, when it feels safe to do so, would be a good idea - help with cleaning/gardening/laundry whatever you find most trying.

Does your wife have support from care workers? if not, it might be worth considering a Needs Assessment for her Needs assessment | Carers UK and a Carer’s assessment for you too Carer's assessment | Carers UK .


Thanks for the answers. I can cope at the moment, but I will look into help when it gets worse. I wouldn’t be happy with people coming in at the moment. Covid has really made things far more difficult in that respect.

Yes, I think we all feel that at the moment, unless there is absolutely no alternative.
Have a look at the cases I’ve given you, when you have a chance, so that you know what is involved. Of course it’s an incredibly difficult thing to do emotionally, for a host of reasons.
Most of us muddle along until there is what my mum’s consultant called “a life changing moment”. A fall, getting sick, you getting sick, something that at the time seems minor, but looking back, nothing was ever quite the same again.
Mum had a fall and broke her leg. From then on needed care, but could hobble around the house with a Zimmer fairly safely. Then she developed sepsis, lost the ability to stand or walk safely. Then there was simply no alternative to residential care.
It’s different for everyone. Trust your instinct.

I’m in the same boat with Carers Allowance.