My Grandad is 91 (92 next month) and still lives independently. I’m his only source of ‘care’, in that I do all the domestic tasks, finances, appointments etc.
I’ve been doing this now for about 8 years and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that old people are STUBBORN AS HELL! 
As his mobility got worse I bought him a walking stick. He reluctantly uses it and instead prefers to hang off the furniture (ever seen an old bloke use a flat screen TV to hoist himself off the sofa?? It’s pretty scary!). I then had the audacity to buy him a roller-walker for when I took him out and about - it had a seat so he could take a minute… he looked at me like I’d kicked his dog, so that vanished into the attic.
During a previous hospital stay they gave him a walking frame… he uses that to hang his trousers on.
He has problems with his prostate and has bouts of incontinence so I bought him a urinal bottle to keep nearby in case of emergencies… he pees in a rancid little yellow bucket at the side of his bed, and then usually spills the contents on his way to empty it down the loo. 
He’s currently in hospital after a fall last week and the physio’s have had their mandatory chat about how he copes at home, he told them he was fine so they rang me and I told them the truth. Now he’s raging because they dared to suggest he might benefit from a carer to pop in and help him get up and dressed.
I get that he hates not being able to do the things he could before and he’s desperate to stay independent for as long as possible, but please tell me it’s not just me who feels like shaking them by the shoulders and shouting ‘stop making life so difficult!!’
I always think of this as a hangover from wartime attitudes, phrases like soldiering on, I’ll manage, I don’t want to trouble anyone were familiar from all four of our parents, now all passed away.
They will only change anything when forced to change. When assessed without me being present, my mum told social workers that she could do all sorts of things that she USED to do, but hadn’t done for years. I could write a book on this subject!!
However, you cannot be forced to do anything you don’t want to. How come you are looking after him anyhow? Where are your parents?
Do you live with grandad?
My parents are long separated, and my Dad (Grandad’s only son) lives 200 miles away in Wales, and we’re up in Yorkshire. I’m the only living relative up here so it falls to me to look after Grandad. Well, technically I offered to ‘help out’ years ago when my Grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, she passed away 4 years ago and I’ve become a carer by accident really.
I live about 15mins away from Grandad so that’s not too bad, but I do work full time too… so yeah, it has its moments!
I’m glad you don’t live with him, that just complicates everything.
However, now is the time to get grandad the help he needs before he is discharged from hospital.
Has anyone told you that he is entitled to “Reablement Care”, 6 weeks FREE care, arranged between the hospital and Social Services?
I have had elderly relatives discharged just before Christmas, or on a Friday afternoon, with promises of care arrangement and equipment that never materialises. All they are interested in at the hospital is getting as many people as possible out of their wards so they don’t have too much work to do!!!
Don’t let this happen to you. A week today it’s Christmas Day, don’t end up at grandad’s place, you need to have some time off.
It’s time your dad came up from Wales and laid the law down to his dad, and stuck up for his daughter too. He must tell dad that if he wants to live at home he MUST accept care staff now. That is what Attendance Allowance is for. (Is he definitely getting this? He should qualify.
He is paying the price for living a much older life than many. My own husband died when he was 58. Grandad has lived far, far longer!
One of the traits of the very elderly is the way they just can’t see any more how much others are doing for them.
Please, please, stick up for yourself. A friend of mine cared for his mum until she was 104.
How would you feel being a carer for so many years more?
The time is fast approaching that grandad will need either residential care, or will die. This is an inevitable part of life. Get dad to come and sort his dad out, for your sake.
Apologies for the delay in responding. Grandad is still in the hospital and tested positive for Covid on Saturday… it’s looking like he’s picked it up in the hospital.
Chances are he’ll still be in there over Christmas now. I’ve been and got myself tested just to make sure he didn’t get it from me but I’ve not seen him for over 2 weeks now so it’s unlikely.
He doesn’t have attendance allowance as we were told previously he doesn’t qualify but I guess it might be worth trying again now he’s older.
Dad coming up and laying down the law is a bit of a long shot… he’s so laid back about everything and buries his head in the sand when it comes to Grandad!
Tell dad to “Man Up” and stop leaving you to do his dirty work!