A fussy Granddad

I’m new here and need some advice after a disastrous phone call to social services. I’ll apologise in advance as this is going to be long.

My Granddad is 93 years old, he’s lived alone in his own home for just over 7 years since my Gran passed away. My Gran was considered as his carer from early on as he was considered severely disabled because (I think) of having a frontal lobe lobotomy sometime before he met and married my Gran. I’m not sure of an official diagnosis as my grandparents were always fiercely protective of matters they consider private.
But I do know from conversations with my dad when he was alive, that my Granddad was in and out of mental institutions all of his childhood and at one point my Gran was advised to put him in a home/institute for good, only she declined as she was housebound from a bad back injury so relied on him to do shopping, pay the bills etc.

He is very fit and healthy for his age and is able to still go out and do his own shopping, maybe a little slower than he once did but nevertheless he can still do it, he is capable of making meals and self care and in a lot of ways is very independent.

Where things are not right and causing issues for people’s around him:

Before my Gran died she was suffering with dementia and through a befriending service she met a lovely lady (and her husband) that were so taken with her they started to help out in more and more ways, first trips out, then with personal care, making Sunday roasts, odd jobs in the house, cleaning. After my Gran died the couple carried on doing some of the things for my Granddad, but as he got older he became more and more demanding of them. They are both pensioners too and have health problems of their own to deal with so tried to gradually take a step back to eventually giving up, or at least trying to he always tried to and usually succeeds in getting them to do something for him.

Now their circumstances are really bad and they want nothing to do with him. Only he won’t accept they can’t do things and is harassing the lady. And it is harassment, he rings them constantly she counted 23 times over a weekend and he doesn’t just ring and get no answer he will let it ring constantly for 15 minutes or more in the hope of getting an answer (can be anywhere between 730am and past 10pm) they have blocked his number but because of the panic/assist button they have and it being linked to the phone that rings and no way of stopping it. I suggested changing their number but that isn’t an option as there are so many specialists and other services they’d need to update details with. He also goes to their house and will bang on their front door until they answer that.

My sister took over from the couple 2 years ago (that long ago and he still doesn’t leave them be) she’d make meals and do cleaning. My Granddad likes routine and liked his cleaning done Mon, Weds, Fri at 11am and his washing was taken away to be washed dried and delivered back by my sister. Meals as he didn’t want to cook for himself all the time had to be delivered by 345pm Tue, Thur, Sat (the couple mentioned above carried on making a Sunday dinner for him also delivery by 345) then your appointment for visiting him was 1230 on a Sunday.

He basically wants total control over everything and is unwilling to budge on anything. Meals made by my sister were never good enough, he’d follow her round when cleaning say she wasn’t doing things right, accuse her of stealing/moving things.

My lovely sister can’t deal with him anymore, she has a business to run that she recently set up, her husband who isn’t in the best of health has been taking over more and more of his demands which is making his health worse and in turn affecting her mental health.

Social services told me because he has capacity they can’t do anything without his permission/agreement and even then as he is able to do things they won’t intervene. He is literally ruining the lives of the couple that dedicated their free time to help out when my gran was alive.

He won’t agree for strangers to help him, it has to be my sister/brother in law (I live 2 hours away) or the lady that wants nothing to do with him.

If social services won’t do anything where/who do we turn to?

Hello and welcome!

Suggest a care home and see how she reacts.

In what way do Social Services say grand dad has capacity. What evidence do they base there findings on.

If he has capacity suggests he is responsible for his actions. Has there every been a mental health or needs assessment carried out.

Have you be able to speak with his G.P.

We’ve suggested this when he says he’s lonely. We are only allowed to visit on Sunday at 1230.
He doesn’t want to sell his house to pay for it. He’s even started to in his words get rid of his money as he has too much and it’s going to effect his entitlements.

They are saying because he can do lots of things for himself,manage his money,shopping,self care this is all based on the one phone call I made.
They haven’t been out to see him once since my gran died. I haven’t rang his Gp yet, can I even though I don’t have his permission?

How is he getting rid of his money!!!???
Before it’s too late, alert his bank manager!!!

Hi Kirsty,
I am so sorry for all of you especially the kind couple who are now being made miserable by Granddad.
His GP will not discuss him with you over the phone or even face to face but there’s nothing stopping you writing a letter to express your concerns. Explain everything as you have done on here, emphasising that he has had no visit from Social Services, that he is affecting the health of a number of people and is behaving in an irrational manner. (Refusing help, pestering the couple, ‘giving away’ money, and anything else that occurs to you). Use words like very elderly vulnerable adult. Send a similar letter to his local Social Services. Would your sister write one likewise, stating that due to the deteriorating health of her husband and the mental strain she is experiencing she will no longer be providing any care? Please remember that there is no legal reason why any family member or friend should provide such care. Send the letters by recorded delivery and keep a copy.
I can understand the couple’s reluctance to change their number but perhaps they will have to, Have they contacted the alarm providers? I am imagining a scenario where they have pressed their alarm in an emergency and help cannot get through because Granddad is on the phone? Could they get another number just for that particular phone? What about an answer machine so they can listen to who is on the phone and not answer it if it’s Granddad?
As for the door hammering, maybe their only option is to call the local police? Complain of harassment?
Granddad is behaving in an irrational manner. Just because he can go to the shop doesn’t mean he is fully capable, especially with the mental history you suspect. He may be becoming a danger to himself and others.
However, legally he is not your responsibility, your sister’s or the friendly couple’s. SS have pounced on the positive bits of your phone call and decided that they can’t do anything. Didn’t listen did they? I think putting it in writing and putting it firmly in ‘their court’ would be a good move. Wonder if the couple would go to their own GP? Could it possibly be the same practice?
All the best.

When granddad visit’s the fiends and bangs on the door etc. They should call the police as has been suggested as a incident number can be obtained. The police can also contact Social Services. Even though he is 93 his behaviour is no excuse. And has already be stated the friends will have change their phone numbers. You can’t also be responsible for them. They must ask their own family for help.

I agree. He is now seriously annoying others and that may be the key to sorting things out. This is not normal behaviour. Sadly he is probably incapable of changing at this great age. It may ultimately end up with him being admitted to a secure home.